Journal Post 9/1/2020

Today I gave notice at my job. A job that I have only had for 3 months. A job I took out of fear if I am honest. In May I was "Permanently Terminated." I know it was because of COVID...but for some reason that does not make me feel any better. Not the point. Let me go back a tiny bit more. In January, I quit my job to start a new job. It offered better pay, my own office, better title, and I would get to learn many new skills. I left a good company (that paid too little) because I thought this was a good opportunity and a great way to start a new decade. New job, new me, a fresh start.

Then the world kinda went to shit. So in May I find myself unemployed. My dream opportunity dashed because of something I definitely didn't see coming. I find that my trust in myself was already a little shaky. I was sure I had made the correct decision, but there I was...jobless and without a clear path. Then a new job just falls in my lap. It isn't great, but it will pay the bills and I will maybe find a way to make it work. Three months later and here I sit. Having given notice at this gift job. Why you might ask would I do this?

Well turns out I am wanted. That is all the companies I left or were let go from want me back. That is weird right? I should definitely be happy about these turn of events. People calling me asking to meet, wanting to see if a deal can be reached. So I agree to these meetings and discussions. Why wouldn't I right? I have nothing to lose is hearing them out. It is not promising though. I may be wanted, but I am still not worth that extra step. The consideration that Denver is an expensive place to live and I have worked hard these last five years to stay here.

Yesterday however I get a really good offer. One that seems fair in a place I know I liked working before. Not a company that betrayed my trust, just one that needed some goading to see my value. Just leaves the last piece. Telling my gift job goodbye. Saying, I am sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. It isn't you it's me and I do hope we can still be friends. I really hate letting people down. That is what I felt like I did. They took my notice well. Well wishes and the kind idea that of course we understand ,you have to do what is best for you.

That is when I get hit with the thought. Do I know what is best for me? Can I trust me? I thought I made the right choice in January. Only to find it is 8 months later and I am full of doubt and fear, because maybe I am wanted and valued, but do I deserve this chance?

Lets take a step back. A lot of this is out of context right? I am not hating on myself. It is just very difficult to hear it sometimes. The voice that says, "Of course you deserve good things."

Too many good things though and I find myself weary. Ahh. There it is. You knew you would get to her. The real thing that scares you. Jobs come and go and they are stressful and time consuming and have the power to dictate your lifestyle and take up soooo much time. But lets be honest here. It is her that scares you. It is her that you don't feel like you deserve.

I want to be happy. To make others happy. To not be alone. I like her...a lot. She makes me happy. She says I make her happy too. I believe her. You can see it. The joy, her smiles, her energy. You can't ignore it just because you're scared. To be wanted and valued and cared about. Shit! Why is that scary?

I don't want to make the wrong choice. Go down the wrong path. Can it really be wrong to follow your heart? Ugg...come on logic brain, don't be such a dick. It should be so damn simple. Like a girl, pursue the girl, be happy with the girl. I can do that. I know I can.

I am writing this because I need to get all the thoughts out of my brain. I need to sleep. I at least need some rest. I just want to enjoy the moment and be happy. Happy for the job I am about to start, happy for the chance to stay in the city I am growing to love, happy to be around a girl I like. I can do this. 

Wish me luck.