Medication Observations Month 1
So I started taking anxiety/depression medication a little over a month ago. I am sure that is not long enough to really observe a lot of changes. I might not even be able to come up with anything noteworthy to talk about, but I will share a few mild observations.
I have found going to bed a much easier endeavor. I do feel drowsy shortly after taking them and I have resolved to not fight the drowsy. I am quite over being afraid of bad dreams. I would rather sleep and risk the dreams, then not sleep and for sure feel bad the next day.
I feel muted in a way. I still have my feelings, but all of them feel less somehow. I thought this might just be a physiological reaction to giving up my resistance to medication, maybe giving up that fight just put me at ease. A placebo effect in my mind. I am not one hundred percent convinced though and I have few examples from the last couple of weeks to suggest the mute is real.
Ex 1: I started my period a short time after starting the medication. With PCOS I have few periods and when I do they tend to be physically very painful and the week leading up to them is almost always an insanely difficult time emotionally. However that week was fine. The physical pain was indeed very unfortunate, but I never peaked or crashed emotionally. Considering Valentine's Day fell right in the middle of all of that and I never once felt sad or lonely is surprising. I was a little sad the days leading up to it because I am a human being but the day itself was easy, in fact it was just another Thursday.
Ex 2: It was easy to say no to something I didn't want to do. It was also easy to defend my logic and I felt no guilt about it later. I didn't want to go out, I said no and everything was okay. I realize this should simply be the way things are, but historically I tend to be racked with guilt or fear of disappointing. I am only reflecting on it now because it was out of my norm and wanted to note it.
Ex 3: I had someone important to me come to visit for a long weekend. It was stressful and at times overwhelming. To be fair, I went from 0 to 10 with this person very quickly. So it is not at all surprising that parts of it were overwhelming. I was never at any point extremely unhappy or sad (unsure and mildly stressed for sure), on the flip side, I was struggling to be in the moment. I could not for the life of me get my brain and body on the same page. Then of course I was trying to establish boundaries while still expressing what I wanted. It was a lot. As I write about it though, I don't feel overly emotional.
I cannot tell if this medication is helping or not. I have slept more, but I am still pretty tired. I am not 100% sure my being tired has much to do with the amount of sleep I get so much as the constant fight I feel like I am having with myself. A fight that I will admit feels less as long as I am just doing my normal day to day thing, but is still very difficult when it comes to dealing with other people, tough choices, or unexpected changes.
I am sure I will have more thoughts on this as I intend to continue with medicine as a means to supplement my healing and growing. I am hopeful that with the support of my friends, family, and doctors I will be able to keep moving forward. Done sharing for now. Back later I'm sure.
All the best,
Sharebear
I have found going to bed a much easier endeavor. I do feel drowsy shortly after taking them and I have resolved to not fight the drowsy. I am quite over being afraid of bad dreams. I would rather sleep and risk the dreams, then not sleep and for sure feel bad the next day.
I feel muted in a way. I still have my feelings, but all of them feel less somehow. I thought this might just be a physiological reaction to giving up my resistance to medication, maybe giving up that fight just put me at ease. A placebo effect in my mind. I am not one hundred percent convinced though and I have few examples from the last couple of weeks to suggest the mute is real.
Ex 1: I started my period a short time after starting the medication. With PCOS I have few periods and when I do they tend to be physically very painful and the week leading up to them is almost always an insanely difficult time emotionally. However that week was fine. The physical pain was indeed very unfortunate, but I never peaked or crashed emotionally. Considering Valentine's Day fell right in the middle of all of that and I never once felt sad or lonely is surprising. I was a little sad the days leading up to it because I am a human being but the day itself was easy, in fact it was just another Thursday.
Ex 2: It was easy to say no to something I didn't want to do. It was also easy to defend my logic and I felt no guilt about it later. I didn't want to go out, I said no and everything was okay. I realize this should simply be the way things are, but historically I tend to be racked with guilt or fear of disappointing. I am only reflecting on it now because it was out of my norm and wanted to note it.
Ex 3: I had someone important to me come to visit for a long weekend. It was stressful and at times overwhelming. To be fair, I went from 0 to 10 with this person very quickly. So it is not at all surprising that parts of it were overwhelming. I was never at any point extremely unhappy or sad (unsure and mildly stressed for sure), on the flip side, I was struggling to be in the moment. I could not for the life of me get my brain and body on the same page. Then of course I was trying to establish boundaries while still expressing what I wanted. It was a lot. As I write about it though, I don't feel overly emotional.
I cannot tell if this medication is helping or not. I have slept more, but I am still pretty tired. I am not 100% sure my being tired has much to do with the amount of sleep I get so much as the constant fight I feel like I am having with myself. A fight that I will admit feels less as long as I am just doing my normal day to day thing, but is still very difficult when it comes to dealing with other people, tough choices, or unexpected changes.
I am sure I will have more thoughts on this as I intend to continue with medicine as a means to supplement my healing and growing. I am hopeful that with the support of my friends, family, and doctors I will be able to keep moving forward. Done sharing for now. Back later I'm sure.
All the best,
Sharebear
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