Conversation Rehearsal
I have been struggling with what to write on this blog. I totally missed last week. To be fair I was writing, just not on here. Maybe I should turn my monthly movie post to a weekly post, but I like the impact better if it is a month. I don't think my life is interesting enough to have weekly updates. There are topics I can talk about of course. Tattoos maybe, why I stopped drinking, gender, religion, sex....all of these are interesting and I have thoughts about them. I am still a little scared though. To share my thoughts in a public way. I then remind myself that there is not that many, if any people reading this. This is for me. To help me write better. To make me feel better. So I can get these pesky thoughts out of my overactive brain.
Anyway, do you ever practise conversations in your head? I do. Almost everything I say I think about it quite a bit before I say it. Having stuttered and repeated myself a lot as a kid made me insanely aware of my words. If I don't stop and practice...they simply will not come out. Funny enough it happens when I am typing too. As I am sure the more grammar prone of you might suspect, I struggle with using the correct word and spelling is not my forte at all. Of course spellcheck helps and Chrome even tries to assist me in my grammar fails. I like writing things out by hand sometimes though. It is slower and gives me more time to think about what I am writing or what I want to say. I think the most annoying letter is a lower case b. I have to stop when there is a letter b. I draw the line and there is a 50% I will write the letter d instead. Those two letters kill my speed. Luckily you can't really say the letter b wrong, unless it just won't come out. B-b-b-better luck next time.
When I am excited words don't get caught in my mouth as much. I can talk forever about comic books or a movie I just saw and the worst thing that will happen is I will say the same thing twice. That is okay though. Excited people are allowed to repeat themselves.
When I am scared or upset though...I can't really talk at all. I can scream the words in my head, but that does not supersede my actual motor functions. It is insanely frustrating to want to say something and simply be unable to. So I practice. I think about all the situations I could be in that would make me scared and I think about what I would say to feel better or at the very least express that I'm scared. There are some obvious downsides to this...I spend way too much time thinking about things that scare me.
Someone told me the other day that I am brave. That being brave isn't about not being scared. It is about doing what you have to desipe being scared. That is, even though I am scared most of the time, I still live my life. I am still a mostly functioning adult. Therefore I am brave. I want to argue against this, because I sure do not feel that way, but if I take a step back and imagine it is anyone else but me...then I am forced to admit she has a point.
Right...I am going to practice a conversation right now, one I have had many times...one I am sure I will have many more times:
"I am worried."
"What about?"
"Everything..."
"Going to need you to help me out and be a little more specific."
"Fair...I am worried that in being more open with people. They will discover that I am not cool or calm or collected. And once they know the truth they will decided that the benefits of knowing me do not outweigh the costs."
"Nope..."
"Nope?"
"You're wrong. It will be fine."
"Oh? You're sure?"
"Yep. Definitely going to be fine."
"Oh...Okay."
"Be open or don't be. Do what is best or works for you. There is no rush."
"I have already wasted a lot of time."
"That's okay. Maybe it wasn't wasted. Just not the right time."
"You could be right."
"I am, in fact, usually right. It will be okay...probably. If it isn't...then just keep trying. What else can you do?"
"Give up?"
"You could...but you won't."
"How do you know that?"
"I don't...but like I said, I am usually right."
"Okay. You are right. Thanks."
"Anytime."
I know this doesn't seem like a hard conversation, but it is, it was, it will continue to be...all of those things. I know it seems like I am just talking to myself. I guess I am, but it never feels that simple...
Anyway, I wanted to type up something, this is what was on my mind. Now I get to share it all with you. Hope this Monday and this week treats you all well and that when you're having a conversation with yourself it goes this well, if not better.
All my best,
Sharebear
Anyway, do you ever practise conversations in your head? I do. Almost everything I say I think about it quite a bit before I say it. Having stuttered and repeated myself a lot as a kid made me insanely aware of my words. If I don't stop and practice...they simply will not come out. Funny enough it happens when I am typing too. As I am sure the more grammar prone of you might suspect, I struggle with using the correct word and spelling is not my forte at all. Of course spellcheck helps and Chrome even tries to assist me in my grammar fails. I like writing things out by hand sometimes though. It is slower and gives me more time to think about what I am writing or what I want to say. I think the most annoying letter is a lower case b. I have to stop when there is a letter b. I draw the line and there is a 50% I will write the letter d instead. Those two letters kill my speed. Luckily you can't really say the letter b wrong, unless it just won't come out. B-b-b-better luck next time.
When I am excited words don't get caught in my mouth as much. I can talk forever about comic books or a movie I just saw and the worst thing that will happen is I will say the same thing twice. That is okay though. Excited people are allowed to repeat themselves.
When I am scared or upset though...I can't really talk at all. I can scream the words in my head, but that does not supersede my actual motor functions. It is insanely frustrating to want to say something and simply be unable to. So I practice. I think about all the situations I could be in that would make me scared and I think about what I would say to feel better or at the very least express that I'm scared. There are some obvious downsides to this...I spend way too much time thinking about things that scare me.
Someone told me the other day that I am brave. That being brave isn't about not being scared. It is about doing what you have to desipe being scared. That is, even though I am scared most of the time, I still live my life. I am still a mostly functioning adult. Therefore I am brave. I want to argue against this, because I sure do not feel that way, but if I take a step back and imagine it is anyone else but me...then I am forced to admit she has a point.
Right...I am going to practice a conversation right now, one I have had many times...one I am sure I will have many more times:
"I am worried."
"What about?"
"Everything..."
"Going to need you to help me out and be a little more specific."
"Fair...I am worried that in being more open with people. They will discover that I am not cool or calm or collected. And once they know the truth they will decided that the benefits of knowing me do not outweigh the costs."
"Nope..."
"Nope?"
"You're wrong. It will be fine."
"Oh? You're sure?"
"Yep. Definitely going to be fine."
"Oh...Okay."
"Be open or don't be. Do what is best or works for you. There is no rush."
"I have already wasted a lot of time."
"That's okay. Maybe it wasn't wasted. Just not the right time."
"You could be right."
"I am, in fact, usually right. It will be okay...probably. If it isn't...then just keep trying. What else can you do?"
"Give up?"
"You could...but you won't."
"How do you know that?"
"I don't...but like I said, I am usually right."
"Okay. You are right. Thanks."
"Anytime."
I know this doesn't seem like a hard conversation, but it is, it was, it will continue to be...all of those things. I know it seems like I am just talking to myself. I guess I am, but it never feels that simple...
Anyway, I wanted to type up something, this is what was on my mind. Now I get to share it all with you. Hope this Monday and this week treats you all well and that when you're having a conversation with yourself it goes this well, if not better.
All my best,
Sharebear
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