Circus Story, Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Alex's brown eyes watched her as she moved past. Surely she could see the red on her cheeks and the way she wrapped her arms around her chest for protection from her gaze. She had spent the entire day trying to numb the flutter in her stomach that was just possibly a figment of her imagination anyways. The physical feeling was real of course but the reasoning behind the flutter was the thing that was unknown, and yet it shook her. The images in her mind that were screaming at her to pay attention to something but not clarifying exactly what that something was. On a precipice with so much to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. It made it difficult to even try from so many years of losing and never gaining. Like a habit that couldn't be outgrown, even with time. And nothing in Alex's actions the night before did anything other than show that she was a decent person.

She wandered through the outskirts of the tent. It was made up of a line of small vendors nestled against the curtain that acted as a wall, separating them from the stands of people while still under the deep red of the Big Top. The air was cooler in this outer perimeter as the night wind cut easier through the canvas and brushed against her bare legs. The coral of her dress stood out brightly against the bold colors around her, and the rich wooden tables that were showcasing beaded jewelry and light up toys for children. It was like a tiny flea market but much smaller and less crowded because everyone was inside watching the show.

She had to make herself ignore the voice over the speaker as she worked her way through a maze of fabric. Textures of canvas and satin in the richest of colors. It was beautiful. The tiny lights above moved in the breeze and cast dancing flickers of light off of the emerald greens and the royal blue. She could hear the slight jingling of the glass diamonds as they moved and the scent of warm sugar made her mouth water. It was tempting and she found herself enthralled in all of the different sensations around her. It felt liberating to run her fingers across the red velvet curtain but she had to reign her thoughts in quickly, pulling her hand away as the imagine of Alex's jacket crept into her mind without permission. Instead she slipped past a stream of blue into a new space, freezing instantly in her tracks. The soft grass beneath her feet was scattered with bits of hay and a new sound drowned out the roar of the crowd. A soft bray was coming from a stall in the corner. She inched forward, looking cautiously around her because she knew she wasn't supposed to be back here. She knew from the lack of people and from the crates and bales of hay that lay stacked carelessly in the corner.

"You're not supposed to be back here." A deep voice growled.

She whipped around to see a large burly man smoking in a corner chair. He eyed her impatiently, expecting her to leave right away...but she didn't. Instead she walked closer to him.

"You have horses?" She asked. He grinned in a slimy way that made her want to take a step back. Curiosity wouldn't allow her to.

"I don't know if you could call them horses. More like ponies." He laughed, stomping his cigarette into the ground and standing to his feet. He was taller than her, and had probably a hundred pounds on her, with a scruffy face and lumberjack look. His accent screamed east coast. "You can see them if you want but they're just for the clowns to play around on. Not full-sized horses. They're more than we have room for though."

"Thanks." She breathed, moving towards the stall. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to end up back here but then I heard them so..."

"Better you wonder back here than in with the tigers." He laughed, lighting another cigarette and plopping back down in his chair.

She leaned over the stall and saw three Shetland ponies. Their coats were shiny and their hair braided. They had nothing on Ember but they were beautiful. Sadness punched her in the stomach but also an idea that had no hope. Still she couldn't keep it away.

"Jack, we need you with the tigers." A voice called firmly behind her. She turned quickly and pressed her back against the stall, once again being discovered where she didn't belong and by Alex this time nonetheless. She eyed the man carefully as he staggered through the curtain and even from across the twenty feet between them she could tell Alex was holding her breath. She didn't release it until he was gone and there was an untrusting look in her eyes. Possibly even fear?.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to be back here." She said automatically. Alex smiled and walked closer.

"It's fine, I'm not too worried about the ponies hurting you." She stopped beside her, stirring the air and bringing a sweet scent to her nose. A softness that made her mouth water much like the sugar had. She pressed her back harder into the gate from the closeness. Alex didn't seem affected by it at all and she didn't seem to have difficulty breathing either. She wanted to say so many things but her words were lost in the scent.

"Is the show over? I should find Anna, she's probably looking for me." She mumbled.

"No, it’s intermission and I think I saw her arguing with some married couple so I doubt she's looking for you." Alex smiled and leaned over to look into the stall. "So you like them?"

She looked over her shoulder, still keeping her back pressed against the gate. Alex rested her arms over the gate and watched them. Her auburn curls fell around the red velvet on her shoulders but she no longer wore the hat. It took her a moment to realize she had been asked a question and even then it wasn't until Alex looked at her that she found her words again.

"Yeah." She turned around to lean over the gate beside her. "Listen, I'm sorry." She said quickly. It was all she could manage and it wasn't nearly enough but it was necessary. Alex crinkled her eyebrows.

"You already apologized." Alex said.

She shook her head lightly. "No I mean, for last night and for Anna this morning." She clarified.

Alex sighed and straightened herself up to face her. "You don't owe me anything. Like I said, you already apologized." Her breath shallowed slightly as she looked into those brown eyes. They were so soft and deep. Alex smiled lightly and turned away towards the curtain. She looked back at the small horses and the idea flickered in her mind again.

"Alex." She all but whispered. God, that name felt shamelessly good on her tongue. "Can I talk to you about something?" There was a worry in her voice and a subtle panic. She hadn't expected it to show through but Alex looked concerned as she turned to face her.

"Can you stay after the show?" Alex asked, her eyes firm and pleading.

"Yeah, of course." She nodded.

Alex turned quickly and disappeared through the curtain, leaving her behind as a fit of staggered breaths escaped her lungs. She took a last look at the stall and headed out to find Anna. If this plan was going to work, she would need her too.

"Really?" Anna snapped at the woman in front of her. "You're lying to yourself sweetheart!"

The lights were still on for the last few minutes of intermission when she found Anna still sitting her chair still fighting away. She moved towards her quickly, squeezing between people in the second row. Alex stood with her clipboard nearby. She could tell that she was watching from the corner of her eye with a very amused smile on her face. She was hearing everything because Anna wasn't exactly whispering.

"Anna, let's go!" Emily snapped, reaching to grab her arm. Anna pulled her arm away but stood up to follow on her own. Her eyes still glaring at the woman.

"No, your husband is laughing his ass off because he's married to an idiot and he just realized that you're bat shit crazy!" She grabbed her arm again and pulled Anna away but she continued to shout over her shoulder at the lady. "Can we just hurry up and get Hot Circus Girl back out here so the poor guy has someone to dream about because you're a fucking nightmare!"

She pulled her to the curtain and locked eyes apologetically with Alex, her cheeks flushing when she saw the huge grin on her face as she chuckled and shook her head in disbelief. Anna turned her attention to Alex as they passed by.

"Hi, nice jacket! You're needed in the front row!" Anna smiled at her, stumbling as Emily pulled her arm even harder.

She could hear Alex's voice over the speakers as they broke through the tent opening, welcoming the cool air. She released Anna's arm and turned to face her. She wasn't angry with her. It was typical of Anna to get hot-headed and honestly she was the best form of entertainment to be around but she was a little embarrassed about the reason for the argument in the first place.

"Please enlighten me!" She demanded. Anna rolled her eyes impatiently.

"She got mad when I accused her husband of looking at..."

"Yeah I know. I was there for that part." She sighed.

"Well then this pantomime came over and started mocking her with fake tears. It was actually really funny..." She laughed. "And then Alex came back out in that sexy get-up and his jaw dropped so I pointed it out to her."

"Oh God, Anna." She couldn't help but smile. "And that went so well."

"It went well for me." Anna laughed. "Do you know she actually had the nerve to mention a lawyer? Please, Skyler would eat her for breakfast with her Wheaties and still be hungry."

"Unbelievable." She sighed and shook her head.

"It is unbelievable! I'm missing the tigers and at least you have a shot at getting a private show." Anna huffed.

She turned away from Anna, mostly to look around at their surroundings but even that action was to hide the flush of her cheeks because she was sure it could be seen even in the darkness. This had to stop now. Focus was necessary and the way she was losing control today was really beginning to annoy her. And now Anna had joined Alex on Team: "mess with Emily."

They found a food vendor so they could get a drink before walking back to the car. Like Anna need anymore energy. She cringed watching Anna gulp the Mountain Dew in her hand. It was unfortunate that the circus was a family affair because she could personally use something stronger than her water.

They lay together on the hood of the car, watching as the spotlights inside the tent bled through the fabric and shot off into the sky like shooting stars. Eventually they faded and crowds began pouring from the entrance. They waited patiently as cars pulled away and the lights of the smaller tents shut off.

"Will you wait here?" She asked Anna as she scooted down to the ground. She was drumming her fingers on the metal and mumbling the words to some song about a circus.

"Where would I go?" Anna asked, continuing a rapid beat beneath with her hand.

She sighed hesitantly but decided it wasn't worth the argument. Anna was just as guilty of disappearing as she was.

She went to walk away but Anna snapped up off of the hood uneasily. "I should probably lock myself in the car huh?" She looked around nervously. It was dark and quiet.

"Yea, I'd feel better if you did." She nodded.

Without another word Anna was in the driver's seat clicking the lock behind her. She quickened her pace towards the tent, shivering as the cold air brushed against her skin. Suddenly this dress wasn't the best idea.

The air inside the tent was much warmer. Goosebumps appeared across her flesh from the quick change in temperature as she shivered again. The lighting was dim from only the twinkling strands that swayed high above her head. The bleachers now stood empty and an older man was sweeping the middle ring, which was puzzling because it was grass. But at least he seemed happy with his job. Everything was silent except for the faint laughter from outside. There were a few groups of people still walking to their cars and lingering at the picnic tables. She walked quietly past the covered tables of jewelry and toys, retracing the steps she had taken earlier past the red velvet that she wanted so badly to touch.

She took a deep breath before slipping through the stream of blue that hid the small horse stall. Movement behind her made her turn, eyes falling on Alex sitting on the arm of the chair in the corner. She still had the same concerned look in her eyes and that was due to the panic in her voice when she had asked to talk to her. She focused on steadying her breathing and relaxing her body because she didn't want Alex to be worried.

"Hey." She breathed, examining her quickly. She had taken her hat and jacket off, only wearing tight black pants with her boots and a white button up that was half untucked and hugged her closely. Her hair still flowing freely over her chest and only slightly covering the fact that the top two buttons were undone. "I...I'm sorry about Anna." She breathed.

Alex straightened herself up and walked closer. Too close.

"You apologize a lot." Alex smiled softly. "But you don't have to. That's the best thing about all of this. We get to bring the crazy out and then leave town the next day." Alex watched her carefully when she didn't smile. "Are you okay?"

"That's the second time you've asked me if I was okay." she smiled weakly.

"Well, you at least have more color in your cheeks this time and you don't look drunk. Just sad." Alex’s eyes softened. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head lightly, swallowing back the dryness in her throat. It shouldn't be this hard to speak around her. It seemed easy enough for Alex to talk so what the hell was her problem? Focus.

"Yeah, you asked earlier if I liked horses. I work at the stables and there's one I've been caring for for the last three years..." Alex stood quietly with an intensity in her eyes as she just listened. "His owners haven't paid for boarding in the last month and their sending him to auction on Monday." Her voice was becoming more panicked with each passing second but Alex was still hanging on her every word. "I can't...I mean...do you.." She choked, her eyes closing to calm herself.

She had spent the last two days trying not to think about this and all of the sudden she was saying it out loud to a complete stranger. Her fingers began trembling and before she could rein herself in...Alex grabbed her hand and stilled the shaking. Her skin burning into her and forcing Emily’s eyes to hers. They held her in place and she couldn't bring herself to try to look away.

"Hey...come with me?" Alex asked. Her deep eyes were firm and understanding. She nodded and Alex released her hand just as quickly as she had grabbed it. She clutched her empty hand to her chest as she followed Alex through the tent. The heat still lingering on her skin. They walked through a back flap of the tent into a space obscured by crates and boxes. It looked like a break area for the performers. Alex reached into the cooler and handed her a bottle of water. She took it gratefully but didn't bother trying to open it because she didn't want to give away the trembling that continued in her hands.

Alex looked around quickly to get her bearings in the dark then moved forward, letting her fall easily into step beside her. They weaved around a few small dark tents towards the back of the lot before they reached a giant steel train car resting on the tracks. It was impossible to see exactly how long it was in the darkness but she could see at least five cars both ways before the night swallowed them completely. Alex pulled hard on a side hatch door and stepped onto a foot-bar, leaning inside the lit train car. Sounds of talking and music flowed last her ears.

"Pete!" She called.

A tall man appeared in front of her. The same one she had seen whispering in her ear before the show.

"Yeah?" He smiled, tossing a football back over his shoulder. She heard the sound of something inside breaking from the impact it made but he didn't flinch. His eyes glided over her for a moment and then rested on Alex.

"Can you have Jack and the guys empty 12?" She asked.

"Yeah but he's gonna be pissed. Do you know how full that is? I don't think we even have anywhere to move all of that shit to." He wrinkled his eyebrows but Alex just shrugged and turned to step back down.

"Then get rid of the shit. Beside his hands have been restless so it'll be good for him." She snapped, jumping down to the ground and closed the door behind her before he could argue further. Alex was looking at her now as she stepped closer. "Can you take me to him?"

Her throat tightened and her stomach fluttered hopefully, but she managed a weak nod. Ever since she had seen the little Shetland ponies she I hoped there would be a way to spare him from auction but it was such a faint hope.

Anna was bopping along to the radio when they reached the car, jumping when Emily opened the passenger side door.

"Holy shit Em, are you trying to kill me?"

Alex automatically held the door in her hand as Emily climbed in and then closed it for her. Anna smirked at the gesture and raised an eyebrow but she averted her eyes. Praying the darkness would hide the red of her cheeks and that the radio would muffle the pounding in her chest. Alex slipped into the seat behind her bringing with her the scent of orange and white musk. In the small space she had to focus on breathing through her mouth.

"Anna, can you drive us to the stables?" She asked.

"Well, you're in my car already so I don't think I have a choice." She quipped, turning to look at Alex in disappointment. "Awe, where's the jacket?" she frowned at Alex. It was frustrating listening to Anna attempt to create tension. But then it was more sad than anything once she realized that Alex was so much faster.

"I gave it to the man in the front row after the lap dance you suggested." Alex shot back. Anna turned back around slowly, her mind whirling in a million directions. Emily was feeling her pain.

"Damn and I was sad about missing out on the tigers." Anna sighed, taking a drink of her soda.

"It's okay, we had to cut them out to fit in my nude flash dance." Alex said nonchalantly.

Anna choked on her drink and then turned her wide eyes to Emily.

"You said the stables, right?" Anna clarified.

She nodded weakly as Anna put the car in drive and pulled out of the lot. She had to lean heavily into her head rest for support and kept her eyes fixed on the lines in the road as they drove through town. Scolding herself incessantly for the mental images that had been placed in her head. She didn't breathe until her vision blurred and even then it was shallow. She knew Alex was joking and that it was shock value for Anna but the damage had been done. On the list of things you would love to see but never would...check one and check two.

When they stopped in front of the stable Alex was out and opening her door before she had even managed to get her seatbelt off. Thank you Anna for not having child locks on the back doors. She climbed out self-consciously, happy that Alex was looking at their surroundings instead of at her. If she had been, she would have noticed the shaking in her hands. It made her uneasy that Alex was already so tuned in to her feelings and reactions. Any moment that she wasn't paying her direct attention, was a blessing.

Being on familiar ground made her relax more. She felt at home here and much more like herself. Like she had an upper hand and it was now Alex's turn to be unsure. Of course she took it in stride and didn't falter for a second. Alex was confident and determined and seeing that only made her focus more. This was her turf and had been everyday for the last three years. The shaking disappeared quickly as the scent of dirt and straw reached her nose. Once again feeling stronger and less like the train wreck she was when she was anywhere else.

"Anna can you wait here?" She asked

"Sure thing, I have nowhere to be per usual." She sunk into the seat and cranked the stereo.

After pulling her keys from her purse she tossed it back on the passenger seat and closed the door, leading Alex through the darkness to the stable that rested on the backside of the lot. She stayed quiet beside her for a moment as they focused on careful steps, trying not to trip on the uneven ground. Alex broke the silence first.

"I was kidding, you know...about the jacket." Alex says softly.

She nodded quickly. "Yea, I figured." She smiled. "But not about the flash dance right?" 

Alex chucks and winks. "Yeah, the tigers were a little put out by the schedule change."

---

She watched Emily carefully as they walked through the darkness, keeping one arm slightly outstretched behind Emily's back, carefully out of sight but ready in case she stumbled. She admired the first real smile she had seen on Emily's face since she had been back in Clearfield. Happy that she had the honor of making her smile but sad that it may also be the only one she would witness. She tried to memorize it and store it in her mind along with way the moonlight gave her raven hair a blue tint and made the pink dress glow against her caramel skin.

She moved her eyes away and put her hands in her pockets as they reached a stable door. Emily slipped a key into the large wooden door quickly and slipped inside, flipping a small light on the wall. It wasn't bright, just enough to cast a dim glow on the floor and deep shadows through the large wooden beams of the ceiling.

Emily stopped in front of a gate a few stalls down, her breathing staggered as she placed her shaking fingers on the latch. She placed her hand quickly over Emily's, and locked onto her eyes. She was struggling with this greatly and whatever it was that had broken her so much...had been temporarily mended by this animal. She was cracking before her and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

Emily pulled her hand away slowly and stepped aside, letting her slip around her into the stall while she stayed behind. It was dark but her eyes adjusted quickly to the silhouette standing before her. She reached instantly, running her hand down his nose and under his jaw. He was beautiful and strong. She pushed up under his neck, lifting his head slightly. The fact that he didn't pull away told her a lot about his temperament. She moved her hands down across his shoulder blades and ribs.

"He's amazing." She breathed. "Dutch warm-blood?"

Emily appeared at her side, keeping her hands locked tightly to her sides. "Yeah, you know horses?"

"I know a lot of animals and not just the 4-legged ones." Emily smiled lightly. "I can't believe someone would abandon him. He's the epitome of 'show horse.'" She shook her head in disbelief and ran her fingers under his belly then down his front leg. He lifted his hoof automatically and she brushed her hand over the metal shoe, then she released him and stepped back.

"I've been taking care of him everyday since he got here and I've only seen his owners twice." Emily said, backing away when he nudged his head towards her shoulder. She nodded as she watched the sadness in Emily's eyes.

"You've done an amazing job." She agreed.

Even in the dim light she could see the shine of his coat and the manner in which he stood patiently by. Like he was waiting for a command to move. His eyes were locked on Emily and the bond she felt was intense.

"What's his name?" She asked. Emily looked down at the ground.

"If you can take him, I trust you to give him a good one."

The word that stuck out sharply in her mind as Emily spoke...was 'trust'. She shook her head stubbornly.

"No, I asked for his name from you. The name you gave him...not me." She waited as Emily looked back to her. She felt her heart break at the look in her eyes. If she thought she had seen pain there outside of the bar she was completely wrong. Nothing compared to this. This horse was like a makeshift bandage holding her together and all of the sudden she felt like the person ripping it painfully from her body and she didn't want to be that. She wanted to be anything but that. "Emily...auction won't be so bad. He would probably just end up having a lazy life on a farm somewhere."

Emily's eyes turned to panic, snapping the sadness away and replacing it with a strong determination.

"No, you have to take him, please. He’s too good to be wasted on a farm. I ride him almost everyday and he's amazing." She insisted. "I trust you to take care of him and maybe you can find a place for him in the show."

There was that word again, trust. She sighed and looked back at the horse.

"What's his name?" She asked again.

"Ember." Emily breathed. Her heart skipped lightly because it made perfect sense.

"That suits him. It's just like you." She nodded approvingly. Turning to Emily and explaining when she was met with the questioning look on her face. "Embers glow hot. Sometimes just as hot as the fire that created them. They radiate such a large amount of heat even long after the actual flame has died. They just need to be rekindled and allowed to breathe and the fire will spread again."

Emily smiled and looked back at the horse. "Well, I was just going on the fact that he has red highlights in his hair but..."

She laughed and patted his neck. Emily still hadn't touched him yet and she could understand why.

"Okay well...how are we gonna get him back to the fairgrounds?" She asked.

"Follow me." Emily said, leaving the stall. She closed the gate behind her and led her to a small office in the back corner. Flipping on a light and opening a small file cabinet. Her hands flipping through the stacks and pulling out a blank form. She slammed it down on the desk and began writing.

Curiously she walked closer and sat on the edge of the desk as Emily filled it out. Words like 'surrender' and 'remaining balance' stood out boldly on the paper. Her breath caught when Emily jotted down that remaining balance, all five thousand dollars of it, then signed the bottom. She looked up from the contract and pushed the pen towards her. Trust. She repeated that in her mind as she took the pen and signed the other line.

"They owe five thousand dollars on his boarding?" She asked in disbelief.

Emily shook her head. "No, just a thousand. The other four is because you just bought him."

The air was forced from her lungs as she coughed on what Emily had just said. 'Trust', she repeated.

Emily ignored her, opening a metal locker in the corner that had her name on it in bright blue. Various pictures were taped inside. Pictures of Emily in the water swimming and pictures of the friends she had from high school. She sifted through a folder and retrieved a checkbook, ripping one off and tossing the rest back into the locker as she pushed it shut. She scribbled the amount across the the check and signed it, then ripped the receipt copy from the bottom of the form and handed it to her.

She looked down at the contract as Emily shoved papers back into folders. Her name was there across the top. Alex Morrison listed under owner and a stamp that read 'paid in full.' Emily appeared at her side, breathing heavily so she looked up from the contract to meet her eyes. She was determined and the strongest she had seen her in the past two days. It was an intoxicating change.

"The benefits of having management powers." Emily smiled lightly. It was clear she was invigorated by the situation.

"Okay, but the problem is still getting him back to the fair grounds. Do you guys have a trailer?" She asked. Emily just shook her head firmly. "They give you the power to sell a horse but not to drive a truck with a trailer?" She arched her eyebrow.

"No, I have the keys to the trailer but I'm going to ride him." She clarified. Her eyes flickered excitedly.

Emily pushed past her and walked back out to the stalls. She handed her the keys quickly and pushed open the gate. Stepping inside the stall and twisting her fingers lightly into his mane. Keeping her expressions relaxed but her jaw clenched. She stepped out of the way as Emily clicked her tongue and guided him forward.

"Do you have a saddle?" She asked. Emily just shook her head again and kept moving. 'Use your words.'

Once outside she closed and locked the large wooden door as Emily led him towards the car.

"Oh shit!” Anna yelled and jumped as Emily tapped on the car window. She rolled it down. Her eyes wide as she leaned away from the horse who began trying to stick his head in the window towards her drink.

"Alex is gonna ride with you. I need you to follow me down the back road with your brights on. It's not lit and I need to see where I'm going."

"Are you horse-napping?" Anna snapped. Keeping her voice low as her eyes darted around in the darkness.

"No, Alex bought him." Emily replied flatly.

"What, in some middle of the night black market? Are we horse traffickers now?"

"Anna just do it!" Emily demanded.

She couldn't help but smile at the banter between the two of them. It was amusing. Emily looked directly at her now, so she moved and climbed into the passenger seat beside Anna.

"We meet again, circus girl." Anna says with a small salute.

"Alex." She corrected.

"That's good, really! They'll need our real names when we end up in jail together for horse laundering." Anna's voice jumps an active.

She rolls her eyes. "Oh dear God."

Anna flips on her brights and waits. Both of them watching Emily lead the horse forward in front of the car and into the beam of light.

"Holy Hell." She mumbles. Her mouth gaping at the sight she was seeing.

Emily had led Ember in front of the car. Far enough that the hum of the engine wouldn't startle him. She  could see her click her tongue and nudge her knee lightly into his front leg. It bent automatically as he knelt down towards the ground. She could see the sadness on Emily's face as the truth of the moment ripped through her body, but after only a moments pause Emily throws her leg lightly over Ember's back. Once back on his feet, she stared as Emily quickly positioned the coral lace of her dress around her thighs, tucking it carefully under her body. Shivering at the cool breeze.

"That dress is really...pretty." She mumbled to Anna. Swallowing the dryness in her throat.

"Yeah, but she's gonna freeze her ass off." Anna laughed. "Serves her right for stealing a damn horse."