Circus Story Chapter 8
Chapter 8:
Alex holds her hand tightly long after the bridge has disappeared in the sky, engulfed by the mountains that loomed in all directions. It was beautiful and perfect. It made Clearfield seem so far away and the sadness in her stomach conflicted with the smile on her lips. The world was big and she had missed so much of it. So much time wasted on a town that held nothing for her. So many dreams she had lost and so many possibilities she had given up on.
Alex moved suddenly, using her arm to guide her away from the edge and away from the view. She looked at her in confusion but Alex was looking at the ground below now and tightening her other hand around the handle, shifting her slightly behind her back against the steel wall as the train locked onto a set of brakes. It took her by surprise and made her heart jump, but only for a moment. Alex had been expecting it and was holding her safely away from the opening. She looked at Ember expecting panic from him. He was alert but unfazed by the shift of the car. It seemed they were both adjusting quickly to this new life that they both wanted. The ground slowed enough to see more detail in the trees and the gravel around the tracks. Alex grabs her hand, forcing her to take hold of the handle instead, as she slips away.
"I need you to do something for me." Alex says, peeling her eyes away from the ground to insure that she was holding on to the handle. Placing a hand on the small of her back, like feeling her there made it real. Alex was touching her and doing so was a way of knowing that she was holding on, and that she was safe.
She nodded in agreement and tightened her grip. Alex's eyes flickered to meet hers, a playful smile as the train locked on a second set of brakes.
"Stay here." Alex whispers.
She crinkles her brow, opening her mouth to question, as Alex's hand slips away from her back and she watches as Alex jumps from the train. Her heart stops as she watches Alex move through the air. Time slows enough to make out the flecks of red in her hair as it blows out behind her. Alex plants her feet soundly on the ground without fail and kicks up a cloud of dirt around her boots. Perfect and practiced. Just a slight bend of her knees before she straightens herself and pulls her radio from her back pocket, bringing it to her lips as she walks along the tracks, following the car as it slows. Alex squats down to peer underneath the train while she talks into the radio. The wind blows her curls across her cheeks and brushes up the hem of her shirt, exposing a patch of skin on her hip. The leather of her belt resting low on her waist.
She swallows hard and moves away from the doorway, taking focused steps to Ember's side. Her mind reeling from something so simple. A patch of skin she wanted to touch. A fearlessness she wanted to have in every way that she could. Everything about Alex is inspiring and it made her want to be deserving. She wanted to live again and she didn't want to feel so out of place. She wanted to be here more than anything. She strokes Ember's neck as the train stops completely. After a few minutes Alex appears in the doorway and climbs back up easily. Her face calm and collected.
"They're gonna come set up a ramp first so we can get him out of here." Alex smiles, walking to her side.
She could feel the fire in her cheeks as she kept her eyes away from Alex's shirt that was still pushed slightly off of her waist. It's ridiculous what an inch of skin can do to your thoughts. She shakes her head lightly to clear it and smiles. "Yeah, that'll be good." She agrees, patting his neck.
"I'm sorry about that." She gestures to the door. "That wasn't my attempt at bailing on you I promise." Alex smiles. "I had to check clearance and the only person that made me want to jump out of a moving vehicle was Anna so..."
Her smile widens because she could relate to that. "I know the feeling." she nods, "What did she say to you?" Curiosity getting the better of her.
Alex shrugs her shoulders and steps closer; the night outside of the bar flashing back into her mind. The brush of heat on her arm as she held the flyer in her hands. The way her breath caught in her chest from Alex leaning in. The challenge in her voice that made her breathless. It was the same now and she struggled to keep her eyes unfocused so that she couldn't see the clear lines of Alex's body moving closer.
"She called me out on my denial." Alex whispers.
She clenches her jaw as their eyes meet and her throat tightens, so much closer than they had been that night. Ember stamps his foot and shifts away, breaking her focus from Alex as she realizes her fingers were twisting tightly into his mane. Alex turns away as the car shakes from a ramp being slammed into place. Her attention quickly shifts to the task at hand.
Ember shifts again and turns as she pulls him towards the door, leading him down carefully as Alex stands back, watching. The May air is warm and the sky overcast with just small breaks in the clouds to allow streams of light to fall over the hills. If she didn't know they weren't in Clearfield anymore then it would be disorienting, because it was so similar. Tall trees are dense around an open lot and she could see a small town peeking through, a few hundred yards away. Clusters of pink stand out against the green from cherry blossom trees in bloom. While she'd never actually been to Charleston she had enough common knowledge to assume that this wasn't it. The closeness of the mountains indicated that they were probably just outside of the city somewhere. A large number of trucks are parked in a gravel lot and people climb down from the cabs and begin to walk over to the train to help with unloading, sliding the heavy steel doors open and slamming ramps into place.
Alex walks up to her side, "Do you wanna get something to eat? I can have them set up an extra stall for him, or we can stay if you want. There's food in the kitchen and I'm gonna send someone to stock up."
She meets Alex's eyes and sees a hopefulness there and a silent longing. "Yeah, let's go." she nods. "I think he'll just be happy to be left alone for a while."
Alex smiles and grabs her radio from her back pocket, bringing it to her mouth. She looks back at Ember and lets Alex's voice work over her body on its own. Hoping the effect won't be as strong when she isn't actually watching her lips move. This plan fails the moment she speaks.
"Pete, I love you." Alex purrs.
She smiles and looks curiously back at Alex, meeting the smile in her eyes as she releases the talk button.
"No." Pete replies instantly, his voice firm.
Alex sighs and moves to talk again, keeping her voice sweet. "Hey, remember that one time when you said you owed me because I was hungry and..."
"Fine." He snaps.
Alex grins and tucks the radio back into her pocket.
"What was that about?" She asks, running her hand down Ember's nose.
Alex shrugs nonchalantly. "Pete had a rough night and decided to use Mary's chest as a pillow."
"You walked in?" She asks, a smile tugging at her lips.
"If you call going to the kitchen for nourishment walking in." Alex’s cheeks redden as she shakes her head. "And I promise I am using the word 'pillow' losely. You know the sound that boats make in the water?" Alex brings a finger up and buzzes her lips. She can't keep herself from laughing, although it stops abruptly when Pete steps up behind Alex. Alex drops her finger from her lips and turns, meeting him with a proud smile. His expression on the other hand is less than amused.
"Nice Alex, really...how cute?" He says flatly.
Alex slaps him on the back, her face serious as she speaks. "I'll let you know when I decide to use motor boats as an act, but until then...you can horse-sit for a few hours." She smiles.
"Thank you." He smiles sarcastically. "I'm so glad that this amuses you and I love blackmail. It suits you."
Alex rolls her eyes, turning away from him and grabbing her hand. "I pay you well Pete."
She looks back at Ember as Alex leads her away. Smiling when she sees Pete ranting silently to himself. Poor Ember for having to listen.
Alex sets an easy pace across the field, her hand holding hers lightly. Like she was allowing her the chance to pull away but hoping that she wouldn't, just barely touching. She tightens her fingers slightly, just enough to catch Alex's attention, but she doesn't respond. Alex seems worried to move her fingers too much and they stay lightly in hers. As they step onto the sidewalk she pulls her hand away from Alex, hugging her arms around her chest instead. Alex moves her hands into her front pockets, burying only her middle two fingers lightly beneath the denim. The action seems more relaxed than before and she is learning quickly to decipher her hand positioning. Front pockets seem to happen when Alex is more reserved, back pockets when she is more comfortable and she varies between one hand or both.
"So, you said you've been here before?" She glances at her as they turn onto a busy main road. The sidewalks are cobblestone and tiny shops line both sides of the street. Small boutiques and crowded diners. A mining town at heart or at least that's what it looked like.
"Yeah a few times last year." Alex nods. "We travel from February through October. The stops are different sometimes but it's usually the same areas or at least within a short distance. Then we back track the route."
"What happens after October?" She steps aside as a group of shoppers break through them on the sidewalk, keeping her eyes on Alex.
"The train gets pulled from the tracks and stored in our stockyard and the animals are boarded on the grounds." Alex answers, once the group is clear.
"What about you? I mean, do you all just go your separate ways?" she falls back in step beside Alex, trying to watch her while also watching where she was walking.
"Some go home to visit family, but most stay close to where they're comfortable."
She nods lightly as Alex stops short, looking up at a sign on an old red brick building with large colored glass windows and a hand painted sign that reads 'Stonewall Deli.'
"Okay, this is a must." Alex smiles. "Please tell me you like chocolate."
She smiles as she is ironically met with the warm brown of Alex's eyes. "Are there actually people in the world that don't like chocolate?"
Alex's smile widens. "Sadly yes, but thankfully nobody that I work with because that's actually a question on the application."
Alex grabs the door, holding it open for her, ringing a tiny bell above their heads. The inside is dimly lit and cozy. There are small round tables against the right wall and few couches in the back corner strewn with quilted throw pillows. A long counter lines the left side with brightly lit glass cases and the exposed brick walls display floor to ceiling local artwork and a large iron clock that was pointing to just after 2. The rich espresso floor is covered with several large Persian rugs in deep reds and purples. If Alex likes this place it was easy to see why. It is beautiful and eclectic and the boldness of the colors remind her of walking through the curtains under the Big Top. She notes the same tiny white lights hanging across the wood beam ceiling as she follows Alex over to the counter. She looks up at the selection of items on the handwritten chalkboard above the counter, it is vast. They settle on picking through the items in the display, showcasing bagels and sandwiches and a long line of home-made desserts.
"You remember how I told you there's nothing special about Charleston?" Alex asks. "Well, that's the only special thing." Alex points to a gooey stack of brownies in the case. They appear to be stuffed with chunks of marshmallow and caramel is dripping from the center. “There was no chance of leaving this town without trying those.” Alex smiles and the small woman behind the counter walks over. "Can I get two please?" Alex asks. She puts one hand in her back pocket as the woman grabs a small purple box with gold writing on the top, carefully placing the brownies inside on a thin layer of tissue paper. They add two vanilla lattes and Alex grabs some fresh fruit from a basket on the counter.
"Let me get mine." She pulls cash from her back pocket but Alex immediately shakes her head and reaches into her own pocket.
"No, this was my idea, so I'm buying." Alex hands the woman a twenty and waits for the change before handing her one of the coffees from the counter, grabbing the purple box and leading her over to the couches in the corner.
"Well, then you have to let me say thank you this time." She says, sitting down and setting her cup on a small table that lay between them. Alex sinking into the couch across from her.
"Okay." Alex smiles. "But only because these brownies are amazing and they're gonna change your life."
Her cheeks warm slightly. Somehow it wasn't the brownies responsible for changing her life, but when Alex sets the box down on the table and flips open the lid it becomes clear that they would aid in the process. Either them directly or the way Alex picks off a piece and pops it into her mouth. She follows Alex’s lead and pulls a chunk off, chocolate melting on her tongue and caramel spreading like warm butter.
She can see Alex watching her and waiting for her reaction. "Wow, okay we need more than just two of those." She licks the remnants of sticky marshmallow from her fingertip.
"Oh, I know." Alex says surely. "I usually clean them out before we leave town and hide boxes in my room." Alex holds out an apple and an orange across the table, letting her choose first. She smiles, picking the apple.
"Do you really have to hide brownies in your room?" She asks, watching Alex dig her nails into the peel of the orange.
"Among other things." Her eyes flicker up briefly before she explains further. "People get drunk and start raiding the kitchen. It gets crazy and everything that's good...goes fast." Alex shakes her head lightly.
"Well, at least Pete found what he needed in the kitchen." She notes dryly.
Alex laughs, nodding. "Yes he did. But not everybody needs that. The rest of us hide chocolate."
She takes a bite of her apple, watching as Alex reaches for another piece of the brownie and slips it into her mouth as she leans back into the couch again. Her smile fading away as her eyes flicker to the designs on the throw pillow that Alex is leaning on. Diamond shapes of fabric sewn together, pinks and blues with tiny flowers. One patch of lavender with tiny white flowers and ivy resting below Alex's arm that resembled her old quilt. The scent of orange reaches her nose as Alex pulls the fruit apart, making her mouth water and forcing her to look back to the fruit in her own hand. Finding herself wishing she had chosen the orange now instead, even though the apple was fine and the brownie was calling her for another bite.
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Seeing Emily lick the chocolate from her finger brought her mind right back to the butter and salt of the popcorn she had made for her. Food was proving difficult to handle, even though it was innocent, even the apple was bad. Maybe unappealing items like oatmeal or sloppy joes...or maybe no food at all. Maybe just water.
She sighed and stood quickly, walking back over to the counter and feeling Emily's eyes on her back as the small woman appeared again.
"Can I get a box to go?" She asked, pointing to the brownies again.
"Two more?" The woman asks, folding another small purple box together and reaching for a sheet of gold tissue paper.
She shakes her head. "Um no, just whatever you have left."
The woman smiles, replacing the small box with a much larger one, stacking the rest of the brownies carefully inside. She eyes the bowl of fruit as she waits, picking another red apple and adding it to the order. Twenty brownies and thirty-nine dollars later the woman slides the box into a purple paper bag with the same gold writing and hands it to her.
"Thanks." She smiles, dropping the apple inside the bag and walking back over to Emily.
"Did you seriously just buy them all?" Emily's mouth drops slightly but she shrugs, grabbing her coffee from the table.
"Yeah but I think I should start calling ahead. I got fifty last time and I don't think they were ready for me." She smiles. Emily laughs lightly, standing from the couch, grabbing the small empty box and tossing it in the trash can before picking up her own cup, looking to her for their next move. "Okay well, there's a market down the street so we can get anything that you need."
She pulls open the door, hearing the bell chime, as she holds it open for Emily. The feeling that came with being granted this gesture was beyond amazing. It was always in her nature to be the type to take care of everyone before herself. Maybe it just came with managing so many people and from being responsible for being in charge of everything that affected them all. Then again maybe not. It felt right and her reward was the pink on Emily's cheeks so nothing else mattered.
"I don't need anything, I promise." Emily shakes her head firmly.
"Actually you said you needed a bar of soap and I don't have one." She smiles turning right down the sidewalk in the direction they had come from.
The market sits on the corner at the end of the street. It was the first building they had passed but at the moment food had been the priority. She smiles when Emily falters by the door, half reaching for the handle but pulling back to allow her to do it instead. It was a good thing that Emily walked in ahead of her anyways so she could have the few extra seconds to control the heat on her own cheeks.
Once inside she edges around Emily and walks towards a wall of body products. She was running low on items too because other things had kept her occupied at the last stop and she didn't have time to run to the store. She spotted her usual bottles of shampoo and conditioner, grabbing them and holding them in her arm. Emily was busy immediately browsing over the different bottles, picking up a few to smell the contents before putting them right back.
She let her own eyes glide over the selection, smiling as she reached for a bar of soap on the bottom self. It was speckled with different shades of cream and wrapped in a thin light blue ribbon. "Will this work?" She asked, proudly holding it out to her.
Emily rolls her eyes and takes the bar, bringing it to her nose. "Wow, yeah." She smiles, grabbing a bottle of shampoo and conditioner for herself from the shelf and turning towards the register with the soap still in her hand.
She looked wistfully at the bars of soap on the shelf as Emily walks away, wishing she had smelled it before giving it to her, wanting to grab another one so she could smell it now. But no quite bringing herself to do it now, because it felt wrong. Like a violation of privacy or an intimate detail that she had no right to have. Instead she follows Emily to the counter, sinking slightly when Emily turns around already holding her small bag.
"I was going to get that." She states, setting her bottles on the counter and reaching into her pocket for money.
Emily smiles proudly this time. "I'm sorry but the employees here know their prices by heart, so I got yours too."
Her hand freezes in her pocket as the man behind the counter hands Emily a receipt and turns away.
"Please tell me you didn't." She shakes her head in disbelief, but Emily just rolls her eyes again.
"It's not a big deal besides, I think I owe you for those brownies, among other things."
She grabs the bag weakly and turned towards the door, smiling as she holds it open for Emily. "Well thank you, but don't think I'm not counting that apology against you."
"Thank you? Do I need to start counting for you too?" Emily really smiles now.
"Touche." She nods.
The smiles on Emily's face were growing closer together and becoming more frequent, but there were still moments when they were a struggle. Maybe it is a habit for her to look sad or maybe it is something else. Like the smile that faded when they sat on the couches with the pillows. Just a flicker of some foreign emotion that passed like flashcards of memories being flipped through too quickly. Even now as they walked Emily's eyes were cast to the ground watching each step that she is carefully taking and wrapping one arm protectively across her chest. She held her coffee cup by the lid with her other had along with the handle of the small bag. Emily was somewhere else entirely and she couldn't help but want to hold the hand that was shielding her heart.
In just an hour the grounds had begun to rapidly transform. Small tents where sprouting and posts were going into the ground for the big top.
Emily glanced around quickly as they approached. "Wow, this is amazing." She was like a child the way her face lit up again. "Is there a show tonight?"
She shook her head lightly. "No, the first show is tomorrow at..."
"Three?" Emily cut in. Her eyes were curious, eagerly wanting to know details of the life that she was now part of.
"Noon." She breathed looking at Emily, taken aback by the smile that tugged at her lips when she answered. "The second one is at three."
"I still have the flyer in my purse, so that was a gamble." Emily smiles, sipping at her coffee and looking back at the colors of fabric being lifted into the air. There was a knowing look in her eyes as she dropped her hand from her chest and exhaled softly. Emily moved first, walking in the direction of where they had left Ember and it took a few moments for her to push her legs to follow. Her eyes found it difficult to leave the empty hand that now hung at Emily's side as she walked a few steps behind. She smiled when she thought of Emily still having her picture in her purse.
"Seriously Alex, I have stuff to do and I'm late already." Pete pulls himself from the ground where he had apparently made himself comfortable, brushing grass from his jeans. Ember stood lazily by, becoming alert as soon as Emily closed in on him.
"Really, I'm sure Mary will understand. I'm surprised she's not already late for something herself." She cocked her head slightly and was proud that Emily managed to turn away before she could give away the smile on her lips too.
"You're so charming today." Pete smiles as he walks past, nudging his shoulder into her arm. She drops the bags to ground and slugs him harder, shaking her head as he laughs and walks away.
"Are they a full-time thing?"
She turns to see the smile on Emily's face and shakes her head firmly.
"Pete and Mary? No, I don't think so. Just the one time and really I think it was just the motor boat." She laughs lightly as she bends to pick the apple out of the purple bag. Emily's eyes stay on her as she walks to Ember and holds it out to him, using her other hand to stroke his nose as she continues. "Mary's talented, don't get me wrong but I'm not sure she has it in her to stay exclusive and I don't think she wants to."
Emily looks up from the apple to meet her eyes, her voice hitching slightly in her throat. "She seems to care about you though."
"I care about her too. She's like the slutty big sister that everyone wants to have." She smiles and pats Ember's neck as he finishes the rest of the apple.
"She said you found her?" Emily asks, turning and leaning her back against Ember's side.
She pushes one hand lightly into her front pocket and continues stroking his neck. "Five years ago in Albany." She nods "I was out picking up a few things and I passed this little bar on the corner. Something made me stop. Some guy had her pinned on the ground in the alley."
"Was she okay?" Emily's eyes soften with a questioning sadness and her body tenses, wrapping her arms around her chest again.
"Yeah." She nods weakly. "Yeah, she was okay. She's strong." Emily relaxes slightly and while it made her feel better...the empathy in her reaction was heart wrenching. She could feel so deeply for someone she didn't know and none of it was asked of her. It was no wonder Ember reacted to her sadness when she tied gold and coral in his hair. Emily had fed that empathy into him. She shook her head lightly, clearing the fog as she continued. "Turns out she sang regularly at that bar and at the moment I was so angry at the thought of him coming back that I offered her a job. Now she drives us crazy everyday but I think she's probably half of the profit so it works out."
Emily smiles again. "Do you have a thing for saving girls from bars?"
"No, I used to have a thing for bars in general." She shakes her head, dropping her hand back to her side. "I only take responsibility for saving Mary. The other girl was strong enough to save herself."
Emily tightens her arms around her chest and as her eyes flicker down to her empty hand, her breathing slows. When they were walking into town Emily had tightened her grip and she wanted to return it, but Emily was like a flower in her fingers that she didn't want to break. Then the softness disappeared and all she wanted now...was that touch again.
"Alex?" The radio sounded in her back pocket and she pulled it out quickly, stepping back from Ember. The speaker beeped between calls and she didn't want the frequency to scare him.
"Yeah?" She asked.
Pete's voice sounds again. "They have a stall set up."
She pushes the radio into her pocket and turns to Emily, who swallows hard. Emily nods and brushes Embers neck automatically, asking him to follow. She bends down to pick up the bags from the ground and led the way, Emily falling into step at her side. The deep red of the big top had now been hoisted into the air and staked into the ground. She holds the curtain open at the back of the tent and lets Emily lead Ember through first.
"Wow, this is familiar." Emily smiles looking around the space enclosed in blue streams of fabric. Other than an extra stall in the corner everything was the same. A chair resting in the far corner and bales of hay sitting in another.
"It's usually the same. Being behind a maze of curtains is hard enough to navigate without changing it up on everyone." She walks over to the empty stall and holds it open for Emily to lead him in. A bucket of fresh water and feed waiting and the soft grass is scattered with straw.
"That makes sense." Emily nods. "Does it get old though? The same thing in every town?"
"It's more of a comfort actually." she shrugs. "Like coming home to what you love and what you know. You could pick it up and put it anywhere you want but it's always familiar. Towns offer enough surprises by themselves so its nice to have one sure thing."
"See that wasn't the case for me." Emily shakes her head and steps out of the stall, closing the gate behind her and walking over to sit on the bale of hay. She follows her over and sits down beside her, dropping their bags to the ground before Emily continues."I lived in the same house, in the same town, for most of my life. It used to be familiar but eventually I couldn't even recognize it."
"What was comfortable for you as a child isn't always the same when you grow up. You learn and you change and it may have been the right home for you at one point, but that doesn't mean its the right one now." She watches as Emily leans back on her elbows, struck by how different it was from the last time they sat here together, in a different place entirely. Clearfield was far away and so was that Emily. She was broken and ready to cave in on herself at any moment and now she was a far cry from where she'd been.
"What about you though?" Emily shifts towards her, picking at the hay. "You love all of this and you were willing to give it up."
"I didn't always love all of this. Yes, I wanted to leave Clearfield but I still fought it. I rebelled and snuck out at stops. I think I probably gave my parents a heart attack on a daily basis but, I'm thankfully a fast learner. I got used to all of this and I fell in love with it and I know I'm better for leaving." Emily's hand freezes in the straw and their eyes meet. She was looking at her with the same questioning sadness as before, only this time with more hesitance. Her eyes flickered away quickly and she picked at the strands again. "I love it all because its home, but that doesn't mean that its complete. Besides, your alternative was probably better than me staying because now Anna can't park you in front of moving trains."
Emily laughs lightly and straightens herself up. "True, because now I'm living on a moving train."
"To be fair its stopped right now." She teases with a smile. "You could run if you want to."
"Alex?" Pete appeared through the curtains, peeking his head in like he was worried that he was interrupting. "We're all heading in, I think everything is pretty much done out here. Rounds?"
She stood and brushed off her jeans, walking over to Pete to take the clip board from his hands before turning back to Emily. "You can come if you want. It'll just be a few minutes."
Emily's eyes move from Pete back to her and she shakes her head lightly. "I'll stay with Ember until you're done." She stands and walks back over to his stall.
"Okay, I'll be right back." She moves around Pete and through the curtain, the task at hand erasing every thought from her mind.
In the main arena the rings were already snapped into place and the stands were up. The checklist in her hand was lengthy if you didn't know where to look for everything but after seven years, it was easy work now. Thinking wasn't necessary because the routine was so well-known just from the three years of doing it on her own. Check marks beside safety procedures, illuminated exits and wide clear walkways. Checks beside security measures around animal inhabited areas. That one needed to be checked twice because Emily had slipped through so easily.
She smiled as she peeked through a curtain where two men were posted, guarding a large cage painted intricately in red and gold. She stepped inside the curtain and walked directly to the lock, pulling on it to insure it was secure.
"Hey Stella." She called, checking a mark off on the clipboard.
The white Bengal tiger stretched lazily on the soft bedding inside, rolling partially onto her back and wiping a paw over her face.
"Why are you tired?" She frowned. "You haven't done anything today."
There were three tigers that she worked with. Stella was the most popular because she was a better actress. The other two were boarded at a rescue and where 'on-call' in case Stella needed the break. She hadn't needed to make that call so far. Stella seemed more than content being lazy and at night she loved the spotlight.
She walks the outside perimeter and checks the clearance for walkways again. Then heads to the 'backstage' area. Props are stacked carefully against the sides allowing easy movement without tripping in the dark and the sound equipment cables are tacked down.
There were so many convention centers trying to convince her to house the show inside of their indoor arenas but the just wasn't right. It wasn't how circus was intended to be. Cold stone walls instead of a deep red tent or hard concrete floors instead of the soft grass. This was warm and exotic and she'd never give in to changing it.
Voices carried from overhead as a worker balances on a tall ladder, stringing the small lights above while another stands by watching. She stops to watch too, remembering how she felt when they had been coiled up in Clearfield. The sadness she felt watching the red tent fall to the ground and the twinkling lights being packed away. She missed Emily then and the hopelessness that she felt was overwhelming. So different from how she felt now and 24 hours hadn't even passed yet. It already felt like forever ago and Emily was only a few curtains away, yet she could still feel the pain in her stomach when she ripped the check and the ache in her chest when Ember nudged her. She could feel anxiety from the train pushing forward and fear from thinking something was lost to her forever. Remembering all of those things made her appreciate how she was feeling now.
Her eyes moved back to the clipboard as she walked by the ladder, "You should be holding the ladder unless you want me getting sued when he falls, because if he does I'll have your ass." She says flatly, walking in the direction that was calling to her. Movement behind her told her that they had followed the command quickly.
She steps over the barrier of one of the rings and stops short as Pete walks in front of her, making her take a step back to avoid being knocked over.
"Easy tiger." She smiles, slapping the clipboard back in his hand. "You're on bra detail for tomorrow so find Mary."
Pete takes the checklist, smiling proudly as he walks away. Which is odd considering he usually has at least some form of response. Often a weak attempt but at least he tries.
"Oh come on, give me something to work with!" She shouts, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I think you'll be happy with what you're about to work with." Pete shouts without turning around, continuing his fast pace outside.
"Cryptic does not look good on you!" She shakes her head questioningly and moves through the arena and back towards the blue curtain. Stopping as soon as she enters, realizing that what she is searching for is no longer there.
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Alex pushed through the blue curtain clutching the clipboard and leaving her alone with Pete who lingered awkwardly behind. She watches Ember bow his head lazily, still aware that she was being watched. It is more comforting than anything and relaxes her mind enough to think clearly. Everyone Alex surrounded herself with seem like faint images of herself. It probably came from being around them for so long, but even with the similarities and the friendly banter, Alex was so much brighter. In a way, it seemed like they were made better by being near her and she felt that too. A magnetic pull to be near her and no desire at all to stay away.
The way Alex and Pete could play rough and yet her eyes said she loved him. She could joke about Mary, but there was no doubt she loved her too. She cares deeply for everyone around her and asks for nothing in return. Ember leans his head over the gate and nudges her arm. Her mind goes to the apple that Alex had thought to bring back for him and with that she finds her hand stroking across the feather.
"I think it's a good idea." Pete says, stepping up beside her.
"What's that?" She asks, looking at him questioningly.
"What you were just thinking." He smiles. "Alex will think so too."
She looks back to Ember, weighing the thoughts that were running through her mind. The thoughts that had been on her mind since the moment she signed the contract over to Alex. She just hadn't known at the time that she would get the chance to see those thoughts through. "Does Alex get that from you or do you get that from her?"
Pete smiles and looks down. "What exactly?"
"What you're thinking right now." She retorts and straightens herself off the gate to face him.
His smile widens as he chuckles lightly. "The wise psychic abilities come from her. That kind of care is something I learned along the way, but I think she's one of the rare few that's always had it."
"How long have you been around each other?" She asks.
"I was actually her age now when I first met her. She was about this tall." He holds his hand to right below his waist and smiles. "I had just started working for her grandfather in Lincoln and she was visiting with her parents. She marched in with those big wide eyes and jumped right into the middle ring. Five years old and ready to run this whole thing on her own. She was the same then. Intuitive and curious, she would panic if she didn't know every secret behind every act. I'd see her every summer bossing performers around or sitting quietly and just watching. Studying the way everything came together. Alex was made for all of this."
"I can see that." She smiles, nodding as he speaks.
"Well, she's not bossy unless it's called for and I don't think you have anything to worry about there. Then again she's got a little more strength behind her attitude today for some reason." Pete's eyes flicker lightly to hers before he turns and walks towards the curtain, stopping half way. "I'm with you...on that thought of yours." He smiles and disappears through the stream of blue.
Anxiety creeps into her body and she stares at the closed blue curtain for longer than she should have before she looks at Ember. Questions nagging at her mind that she wants answered, but she felt she had no right asking.
Alex had said that she couldn't leave Clearfield if she owed her, even with wanting to respect that, she had left the check on the seat of the truck. She told herself it was because she owed it to Ember, but that wasn't the whole truth. Her mind had done several new things that night and that check was the first step. It was her way of telling Alex that she wanted her before she had even admitted it to herself. A way of wanting her to stay. Falling on the stairs was her mind's way of numbing the pain she had inflicted on herself that way it could turn around and stab feeling back into her body at full force once she grew comfortable with the idea of feeling nothing. The slide show of images in her mind and the fire in her throat from the scent. She owed everything to Alex, for giving her the reason to save herself. Alex was right. There shouldn't be any apologies or thank you's. They weren't nearly enough.
Ember stamps his foot impatiently and she reaches, stroking his nose lightly. Her fingers freeze when she notices the visible twitch under his skin that is radiating through his body. A longing to be free and a strong desire to stay where he felt at home. It just so happened that both of those needs could be met in the same place.
Here...with her.
______________________________________________________________________
The stall was empty. She didn't have to walk closer to check because even though the gate was closed tight, she knew better. Their bags from town still sat by the bale of hay. Curiosity had her pushing through the back curtain and outside, expecting to see Emily. She walked around the edge of the tent, ducking between smaller vendor tents. Ten minutes later she had covered the entire grounds and it was amazing that it took her that long to realize what was going on.
"Pete?" She called into the radio, waiting for his voice to break through the static. "Pete, do we need to discuss proper radio etiquette?" Still static.
She pushed the radio back into her pocket and looked around quickly, her eyes spotting Riley sitting by the tent pouring lighter fluid over juggling clubs.
"Have you seen Emily?" She asks, stopping beside him. He was holding his metal Zippo in his teeth but he nodded and dropped it to the grass.
"Yeah, she headed that way about twenty minutes ago." He points to the side of the tracks opposite from them and the town, steep mountains covered in dense forests. Instantly she felt happy that at least she knew the area well. Emily on the other hand...didn't. She turned away immediately and began a quick pace towards the tracks.
"Morrison!" Riley shouted after her.
"What?" She turned around and continued a backward stride.
"Take one of the ponies." He laughs, picking his lighter back off the ground. She cocks her head slightly and smiles.
"You're adorable Riley, but you know that's not exactly my idea of horsepower." She winks.
"16 is unlocked." He smiles mischievously.
"It better be." She yells turning around to continue a faster walk to the back of the train.
Twenty minutes is a big head start on horseback but she was confident that she could catch up, or at least meet Emily on her way back. The worry came from the thought of her being alone in an area that she wasn't familiar with. She channeled that worry into adrenaline as she gripped the steel handle of car 16 and rolled the door open, her eyes falling lightly on the shiny black truck resting just inside. It was a shame that the ramp was in place already because it would be so much more fun driving off the edge without it.
She edged quickly around the side of the truck, forgetting it completely and setting her sights on a tarp in the back corner. Her hand latched onto the canvas and tugged it off, tossing it aside and taking in the cherry red paint. Her idea of horsepower...had nothing to do with a horse. She gripped the handle bars and kicked the wood block out from underneath before swinging her leg over the black leather of the seat. She balanced the bike between her legs as she switched the tiny button under her right hand to the on position then she leaned forward and slammed her right boot down hard into the kick-start.
A smile spread across her lips as the dirt bike sent vibrations through her body and the smell of gasoline reached her nose. She revved the throttle, sending the loud growl of the engine through her ears, spreading goosebumps across her skin. This was easily her favorite pastime and the best way for her to unwind, but right now... she needed to find Emily. She holds in the clutch and taps her foot into first gear then slowly releases her grip.
As it would turn out the ramp being there made no difference because she cleared it completely, kicking up a cloud of dust and gravel as the tires hit the ground and plowed over the tracks.
Alex holds her hand tightly long after the bridge has disappeared in the sky, engulfed by the mountains that loomed in all directions. It was beautiful and perfect. It made Clearfield seem so far away and the sadness in her stomach conflicted with the smile on her lips. The world was big and she had missed so much of it. So much time wasted on a town that held nothing for her. So many dreams she had lost and so many possibilities she had given up on.
Alex moved suddenly, using her arm to guide her away from the edge and away from the view. She looked at her in confusion but Alex was looking at the ground below now and tightening her other hand around the handle, shifting her slightly behind her back against the steel wall as the train locked onto a set of brakes. It took her by surprise and made her heart jump, but only for a moment. Alex had been expecting it and was holding her safely away from the opening. She looked at Ember expecting panic from him. He was alert but unfazed by the shift of the car. It seemed they were both adjusting quickly to this new life that they both wanted. The ground slowed enough to see more detail in the trees and the gravel around the tracks. Alex grabs her hand, forcing her to take hold of the handle instead, as she slips away.
"I need you to do something for me." Alex says, peeling her eyes away from the ground to insure that she was holding on to the handle. Placing a hand on the small of her back, like feeling her there made it real. Alex was touching her and doing so was a way of knowing that she was holding on, and that she was safe.
She nodded in agreement and tightened her grip. Alex's eyes flickered to meet hers, a playful smile as the train locked on a second set of brakes.
"Stay here." Alex whispers.
She crinkles her brow, opening her mouth to question, as Alex's hand slips away from her back and she watches as Alex jumps from the train. Her heart stops as she watches Alex move through the air. Time slows enough to make out the flecks of red in her hair as it blows out behind her. Alex plants her feet soundly on the ground without fail and kicks up a cloud of dirt around her boots. Perfect and practiced. Just a slight bend of her knees before she straightens herself and pulls her radio from her back pocket, bringing it to her lips as she walks along the tracks, following the car as it slows. Alex squats down to peer underneath the train while she talks into the radio. The wind blows her curls across her cheeks and brushes up the hem of her shirt, exposing a patch of skin on her hip. The leather of her belt resting low on her waist.
She swallows hard and moves away from the doorway, taking focused steps to Ember's side. Her mind reeling from something so simple. A patch of skin she wanted to touch. A fearlessness she wanted to have in every way that she could. Everything about Alex is inspiring and it made her want to be deserving. She wanted to live again and she didn't want to feel so out of place. She wanted to be here more than anything. She strokes Ember's neck as the train stops completely. After a few minutes Alex appears in the doorway and climbs back up easily. Her face calm and collected.
"They're gonna come set up a ramp first so we can get him out of here." Alex smiles, walking to her side.
She could feel the fire in her cheeks as she kept her eyes away from Alex's shirt that was still pushed slightly off of her waist. It's ridiculous what an inch of skin can do to your thoughts. She shakes her head lightly to clear it and smiles. "Yeah, that'll be good." She agrees, patting his neck.
"I'm sorry about that." She gestures to the door. "That wasn't my attempt at bailing on you I promise." Alex smiles. "I had to check clearance and the only person that made me want to jump out of a moving vehicle was Anna so..."
Her smile widens because she could relate to that. "I know the feeling." she nods, "What did she say to you?" Curiosity getting the better of her.
Alex shrugs her shoulders and steps closer; the night outside of the bar flashing back into her mind. The brush of heat on her arm as she held the flyer in her hands. The way her breath caught in her chest from Alex leaning in. The challenge in her voice that made her breathless. It was the same now and she struggled to keep her eyes unfocused so that she couldn't see the clear lines of Alex's body moving closer.
"She called me out on my denial." Alex whispers.
She clenches her jaw as their eyes meet and her throat tightens, so much closer than they had been that night. Ember stamps his foot and shifts away, breaking her focus from Alex as she realizes her fingers were twisting tightly into his mane. Alex turns away as the car shakes from a ramp being slammed into place. Her attention quickly shifts to the task at hand.
Ember shifts again and turns as she pulls him towards the door, leading him down carefully as Alex stands back, watching. The May air is warm and the sky overcast with just small breaks in the clouds to allow streams of light to fall over the hills. If she didn't know they weren't in Clearfield anymore then it would be disorienting, because it was so similar. Tall trees are dense around an open lot and she could see a small town peeking through, a few hundred yards away. Clusters of pink stand out against the green from cherry blossom trees in bloom. While she'd never actually been to Charleston she had enough common knowledge to assume that this wasn't it. The closeness of the mountains indicated that they were probably just outside of the city somewhere. A large number of trucks are parked in a gravel lot and people climb down from the cabs and begin to walk over to the train to help with unloading, sliding the heavy steel doors open and slamming ramps into place.
Alex walks up to her side, "Do you wanna get something to eat? I can have them set up an extra stall for him, or we can stay if you want. There's food in the kitchen and I'm gonna send someone to stock up."
She meets Alex's eyes and sees a hopefulness there and a silent longing. "Yeah, let's go." she nods. "I think he'll just be happy to be left alone for a while."
Alex smiles and grabs her radio from her back pocket, bringing it to her mouth. She looks back at Ember and lets Alex's voice work over her body on its own. Hoping the effect won't be as strong when she isn't actually watching her lips move. This plan fails the moment she speaks.
"Pete, I love you." Alex purrs.
She smiles and looks curiously back at Alex, meeting the smile in her eyes as she releases the talk button.
"No." Pete replies instantly, his voice firm.
Alex sighs and moves to talk again, keeping her voice sweet. "Hey, remember that one time when you said you owed me because I was hungry and..."
"Fine." He snaps.
Alex grins and tucks the radio back into her pocket.
"What was that about?" She asks, running her hand down Ember's nose.
Alex shrugs nonchalantly. "Pete had a rough night and decided to use Mary's chest as a pillow."
"You walked in?" She asks, a smile tugging at her lips.
"If you call going to the kitchen for nourishment walking in." Alex’s cheeks redden as she shakes her head. "And I promise I am using the word 'pillow' losely. You know the sound that boats make in the water?" Alex brings a finger up and buzzes her lips. She can't keep herself from laughing, although it stops abruptly when Pete steps up behind Alex. Alex drops her finger from her lips and turns, meeting him with a proud smile. His expression on the other hand is less than amused.
"Nice Alex, really...how cute?" He says flatly.
Alex slaps him on the back, her face serious as she speaks. "I'll let you know when I decide to use motor boats as an act, but until then...you can horse-sit for a few hours." She smiles.
"Thank you." He smiles sarcastically. "I'm so glad that this amuses you and I love blackmail. It suits you."
Alex rolls her eyes, turning away from him and grabbing her hand. "I pay you well Pete."
She looks back at Ember as Alex leads her away. Smiling when she sees Pete ranting silently to himself. Poor Ember for having to listen.
Alex sets an easy pace across the field, her hand holding hers lightly. Like she was allowing her the chance to pull away but hoping that she wouldn't, just barely touching. She tightens her fingers slightly, just enough to catch Alex's attention, but she doesn't respond. Alex seems worried to move her fingers too much and they stay lightly in hers. As they step onto the sidewalk she pulls her hand away from Alex, hugging her arms around her chest instead. Alex moves her hands into her front pockets, burying only her middle two fingers lightly beneath the denim. The action seems more relaxed than before and she is learning quickly to decipher her hand positioning. Front pockets seem to happen when Alex is more reserved, back pockets when she is more comfortable and she varies between one hand or both.
"So, you said you've been here before?" She glances at her as they turn onto a busy main road. The sidewalks are cobblestone and tiny shops line both sides of the street. Small boutiques and crowded diners. A mining town at heart or at least that's what it looked like.
"Yeah a few times last year." Alex nods. "We travel from February through October. The stops are different sometimes but it's usually the same areas or at least within a short distance. Then we back track the route."
"What happens after October?" She steps aside as a group of shoppers break through them on the sidewalk, keeping her eyes on Alex.
"The train gets pulled from the tracks and stored in our stockyard and the animals are boarded on the grounds." Alex answers, once the group is clear.
"What about you? I mean, do you all just go your separate ways?" she falls back in step beside Alex, trying to watch her while also watching where she was walking.
"Some go home to visit family, but most stay close to where they're comfortable."
She nods lightly as Alex stops short, looking up at a sign on an old red brick building with large colored glass windows and a hand painted sign that reads 'Stonewall Deli.'
"Okay, this is a must." Alex smiles. "Please tell me you like chocolate."
She smiles as she is ironically met with the warm brown of Alex's eyes. "Are there actually people in the world that don't like chocolate?"
Alex's smile widens. "Sadly yes, but thankfully nobody that I work with because that's actually a question on the application."
Alex grabs the door, holding it open for her, ringing a tiny bell above their heads. The inside is dimly lit and cozy. There are small round tables against the right wall and few couches in the back corner strewn with quilted throw pillows. A long counter lines the left side with brightly lit glass cases and the exposed brick walls display floor to ceiling local artwork and a large iron clock that was pointing to just after 2. The rich espresso floor is covered with several large Persian rugs in deep reds and purples. If Alex likes this place it was easy to see why. It is beautiful and eclectic and the boldness of the colors remind her of walking through the curtains under the Big Top. She notes the same tiny white lights hanging across the wood beam ceiling as she follows Alex over to the counter. She looks up at the selection of items on the handwritten chalkboard above the counter, it is vast. They settle on picking through the items in the display, showcasing bagels and sandwiches and a long line of home-made desserts.
"You remember how I told you there's nothing special about Charleston?" Alex asks. "Well, that's the only special thing." Alex points to a gooey stack of brownies in the case. They appear to be stuffed with chunks of marshmallow and caramel is dripping from the center. “There was no chance of leaving this town without trying those.” Alex smiles and the small woman behind the counter walks over. "Can I get two please?" Alex asks. She puts one hand in her back pocket as the woman grabs a small purple box with gold writing on the top, carefully placing the brownies inside on a thin layer of tissue paper. They add two vanilla lattes and Alex grabs some fresh fruit from a basket on the counter.
"Let me get mine." She pulls cash from her back pocket but Alex immediately shakes her head and reaches into her own pocket.
"No, this was my idea, so I'm buying." Alex hands the woman a twenty and waits for the change before handing her one of the coffees from the counter, grabbing the purple box and leading her over to the couches in the corner.
"Well, then you have to let me say thank you this time." She says, sitting down and setting her cup on a small table that lay between them. Alex sinking into the couch across from her.
"Okay." Alex smiles. "But only because these brownies are amazing and they're gonna change your life."
Her cheeks warm slightly. Somehow it wasn't the brownies responsible for changing her life, but when Alex sets the box down on the table and flips open the lid it becomes clear that they would aid in the process. Either them directly or the way Alex picks off a piece and pops it into her mouth. She follows Alex’s lead and pulls a chunk off, chocolate melting on her tongue and caramel spreading like warm butter.
She can see Alex watching her and waiting for her reaction. "Wow, okay we need more than just two of those." She licks the remnants of sticky marshmallow from her fingertip.
"Oh, I know." Alex says surely. "I usually clean them out before we leave town and hide boxes in my room." Alex holds out an apple and an orange across the table, letting her choose first. She smiles, picking the apple.
"Do you really have to hide brownies in your room?" She asks, watching Alex dig her nails into the peel of the orange.
"Among other things." Her eyes flicker up briefly before she explains further. "People get drunk and start raiding the kitchen. It gets crazy and everything that's good...goes fast." Alex shakes her head lightly.
"Well, at least Pete found what he needed in the kitchen." She notes dryly.
Alex laughs, nodding. "Yes he did. But not everybody needs that. The rest of us hide chocolate."
She takes a bite of her apple, watching as Alex reaches for another piece of the brownie and slips it into her mouth as she leans back into the couch again. Her smile fading away as her eyes flicker to the designs on the throw pillow that Alex is leaning on. Diamond shapes of fabric sewn together, pinks and blues with tiny flowers. One patch of lavender with tiny white flowers and ivy resting below Alex's arm that resembled her old quilt. The scent of orange reaches her nose as Alex pulls the fruit apart, making her mouth water and forcing her to look back to the fruit in her own hand. Finding herself wishing she had chosen the orange now instead, even though the apple was fine and the brownie was calling her for another bite.
______________________________________________________________________
Seeing Emily lick the chocolate from her finger brought her mind right back to the butter and salt of the popcorn she had made for her. Food was proving difficult to handle, even though it was innocent, even the apple was bad. Maybe unappealing items like oatmeal or sloppy joes...or maybe no food at all. Maybe just water.
She sighed and stood quickly, walking back over to the counter and feeling Emily's eyes on her back as the small woman appeared again.
"Can I get a box to go?" She asked, pointing to the brownies again.
"Two more?" The woman asks, folding another small purple box together and reaching for a sheet of gold tissue paper.
She shakes her head. "Um no, just whatever you have left."
The woman smiles, replacing the small box with a much larger one, stacking the rest of the brownies carefully inside. She eyes the bowl of fruit as she waits, picking another red apple and adding it to the order. Twenty brownies and thirty-nine dollars later the woman slides the box into a purple paper bag with the same gold writing and hands it to her.
"Thanks." She smiles, dropping the apple inside the bag and walking back over to Emily.
"Did you seriously just buy them all?" Emily's mouth drops slightly but she shrugs, grabbing her coffee from the table.
"Yeah but I think I should start calling ahead. I got fifty last time and I don't think they were ready for me." She smiles. Emily laughs lightly, standing from the couch, grabbing the small empty box and tossing it in the trash can before picking up her own cup, looking to her for their next move. "Okay well, there's a market down the street so we can get anything that you need."
She pulls open the door, hearing the bell chime, as she holds it open for Emily. The feeling that came with being granted this gesture was beyond amazing. It was always in her nature to be the type to take care of everyone before herself. Maybe it just came with managing so many people and from being responsible for being in charge of everything that affected them all. Then again maybe not. It felt right and her reward was the pink on Emily's cheeks so nothing else mattered.
"I don't need anything, I promise." Emily shakes her head firmly.
"Actually you said you needed a bar of soap and I don't have one." She smiles turning right down the sidewalk in the direction they had come from.
The market sits on the corner at the end of the street. It was the first building they had passed but at the moment food had been the priority. She smiles when Emily falters by the door, half reaching for the handle but pulling back to allow her to do it instead. It was a good thing that Emily walked in ahead of her anyways so she could have the few extra seconds to control the heat on her own cheeks.
Once inside she edges around Emily and walks towards a wall of body products. She was running low on items too because other things had kept her occupied at the last stop and she didn't have time to run to the store. She spotted her usual bottles of shampoo and conditioner, grabbing them and holding them in her arm. Emily was busy immediately browsing over the different bottles, picking up a few to smell the contents before putting them right back.
She let her own eyes glide over the selection, smiling as she reached for a bar of soap on the bottom self. It was speckled with different shades of cream and wrapped in a thin light blue ribbon. "Will this work?" She asked, proudly holding it out to her.
Emily rolls her eyes and takes the bar, bringing it to her nose. "Wow, yeah." She smiles, grabbing a bottle of shampoo and conditioner for herself from the shelf and turning towards the register with the soap still in her hand.
She looked wistfully at the bars of soap on the shelf as Emily walks away, wishing she had smelled it before giving it to her, wanting to grab another one so she could smell it now. But no quite bringing herself to do it now, because it felt wrong. Like a violation of privacy or an intimate detail that she had no right to have. Instead she follows Emily to the counter, sinking slightly when Emily turns around already holding her small bag.
"I was going to get that." She states, setting her bottles on the counter and reaching into her pocket for money.
Emily smiles proudly this time. "I'm sorry but the employees here know their prices by heart, so I got yours too."
Her hand freezes in her pocket as the man behind the counter hands Emily a receipt and turns away.
"Please tell me you didn't." She shakes her head in disbelief, but Emily just rolls her eyes again.
"It's not a big deal besides, I think I owe you for those brownies, among other things."
She grabs the bag weakly and turned towards the door, smiling as she holds it open for Emily. "Well thank you, but don't think I'm not counting that apology against you."
"Thank you? Do I need to start counting for you too?" Emily really smiles now.
"Touche." She nods.
The smiles on Emily's face were growing closer together and becoming more frequent, but there were still moments when they were a struggle. Maybe it is a habit for her to look sad or maybe it is something else. Like the smile that faded when they sat on the couches with the pillows. Just a flicker of some foreign emotion that passed like flashcards of memories being flipped through too quickly. Even now as they walked Emily's eyes were cast to the ground watching each step that she is carefully taking and wrapping one arm protectively across her chest. She held her coffee cup by the lid with her other had along with the handle of the small bag. Emily was somewhere else entirely and she couldn't help but want to hold the hand that was shielding her heart.
In just an hour the grounds had begun to rapidly transform. Small tents where sprouting and posts were going into the ground for the big top.
Emily glanced around quickly as they approached. "Wow, this is amazing." She was like a child the way her face lit up again. "Is there a show tonight?"
She shook her head lightly. "No, the first show is tomorrow at..."
"Three?" Emily cut in. Her eyes were curious, eagerly wanting to know details of the life that she was now part of.
"Noon." She breathed looking at Emily, taken aback by the smile that tugged at her lips when she answered. "The second one is at three."
"I still have the flyer in my purse, so that was a gamble." Emily smiles, sipping at her coffee and looking back at the colors of fabric being lifted into the air. There was a knowing look in her eyes as she dropped her hand from her chest and exhaled softly. Emily moved first, walking in the direction of where they had left Ember and it took a few moments for her to push her legs to follow. Her eyes found it difficult to leave the empty hand that now hung at Emily's side as she walked a few steps behind. She smiled when she thought of Emily still having her picture in her purse.
"Seriously Alex, I have stuff to do and I'm late already." Pete pulls himself from the ground where he had apparently made himself comfortable, brushing grass from his jeans. Ember stood lazily by, becoming alert as soon as Emily closed in on him.
"Really, I'm sure Mary will understand. I'm surprised she's not already late for something herself." She cocked her head slightly and was proud that Emily managed to turn away before she could give away the smile on her lips too.
"You're so charming today." Pete smiles as he walks past, nudging his shoulder into her arm. She drops the bags to ground and slugs him harder, shaking her head as he laughs and walks away.
"Are they a full-time thing?"
She turns to see the smile on Emily's face and shakes her head firmly.
"Pete and Mary? No, I don't think so. Just the one time and really I think it was just the motor boat." She laughs lightly as she bends to pick the apple out of the purple bag. Emily's eyes stay on her as she walks to Ember and holds it out to him, using her other hand to stroke his nose as she continues. "Mary's talented, don't get me wrong but I'm not sure she has it in her to stay exclusive and I don't think she wants to."
Emily looks up from the apple to meet her eyes, her voice hitching slightly in her throat. "She seems to care about you though."
"I care about her too. She's like the slutty big sister that everyone wants to have." She smiles and pats Ember's neck as he finishes the rest of the apple.
"She said you found her?" Emily asks, turning and leaning her back against Ember's side.
She pushes one hand lightly into her front pocket and continues stroking his neck. "Five years ago in Albany." She nods "I was out picking up a few things and I passed this little bar on the corner. Something made me stop. Some guy had her pinned on the ground in the alley."
"Was she okay?" Emily's eyes soften with a questioning sadness and her body tenses, wrapping her arms around her chest again.
"Yeah." She nods weakly. "Yeah, she was okay. She's strong." Emily relaxes slightly and while it made her feel better...the empathy in her reaction was heart wrenching. She could feel so deeply for someone she didn't know and none of it was asked of her. It was no wonder Ember reacted to her sadness when she tied gold and coral in his hair. Emily had fed that empathy into him. She shook her head lightly, clearing the fog as she continued. "Turns out she sang regularly at that bar and at the moment I was so angry at the thought of him coming back that I offered her a job. Now she drives us crazy everyday but I think she's probably half of the profit so it works out."
Emily smiles again. "Do you have a thing for saving girls from bars?"
"No, I used to have a thing for bars in general." She shakes her head, dropping her hand back to her side. "I only take responsibility for saving Mary. The other girl was strong enough to save herself."
Emily tightens her arms around her chest and as her eyes flicker down to her empty hand, her breathing slows. When they were walking into town Emily had tightened her grip and she wanted to return it, but Emily was like a flower in her fingers that she didn't want to break. Then the softness disappeared and all she wanted now...was that touch again.
"Alex?" The radio sounded in her back pocket and she pulled it out quickly, stepping back from Ember. The speaker beeped between calls and she didn't want the frequency to scare him.
"Yeah?" She asked.
Pete's voice sounds again. "They have a stall set up."
She pushes the radio into her pocket and turns to Emily, who swallows hard. Emily nods and brushes Embers neck automatically, asking him to follow. She bends down to pick up the bags from the ground and led the way, Emily falling into step at her side. The deep red of the big top had now been hoisted into the air and staked into the ground. She holds the curtain open at the back of the tent and lets Emily lead Ember through first.
"Wow, this is familiar." Emily smiles looking around the space enclosed in blue streams of fabric. Other than an extra stall in the corner everything was the same. A chair resting in the far corner and bales of hay sitting in another.
"It's usually the same. Being behind a maze of curtains is hard enough to navigate without changing it up on everyone." She walks over to the empty stall and holds it open for Emily to lead him in. A bucket of fresh water and feed waiting and the soft grass is scattered with straw.
"That makes sense." Emily nods. "Does it get old though? The same thing in every town?"
"It's more of a comfort actually." she shrugs. "Like coming home to what you love and what you know. You could pick it up and put it anywhere you want but it's always familiar. Towns offer enough surprises by themselves so its nice to have one sure thing."
"See that wasn't the case for me." Emily shakes her head and steps out of the stall, closing the gate behind her and walking over to sit on the bale of hay. She follows her over and sits down beside her, dropping their bags to the ground before Emily continues."I lived in the same house, in the same town, for most of my life. It used to be familiar but eventually I couldn't even recognize it."
"What was comfortable for you as a child isn't always the same when you grow up. You learn and you change and it may have been the right home for you at one point, but that doesn't mean its the right one now." She watches as Emily leans back on her elbows, struck by how different it was from the last time they sat here together, in a different place entirely. Clearfield was far away and so was that Emily. She was broken and ready to cave in on herself at any moment and now she was a far cry from where she'd been.
"What about you though?" Emily shifts towards her, picking at the hay. "You love all of this and you were willing to give it up."
"I didn't always love all of this. Yes, I wanted to leave Clearfield but I still fought it. I rebelled and snuck out at stops. I think I probably gave my parents a heart attack on a daily basis but, I'm thankfully a fast learner. I got used to all of this and I fell in love with it and I know I'm better for leaving." Emily's hand freezes in the straw and their eyes meet. She was looking at her with the same questioning sadness as before, only this time with more hesitance. Her eyes flickered away quickly and she picked at the strands again. "I love it all because its home, but that doesn't mean that its complete. Besides, your alternative was probably better than me staying because now Anna can't park you in front of moving trains."
Emily laughs lightly and straightens herself up. "True, because now I'm living on a moving train."
"To be fair its stopped right now." She teases with a smile. "You could run if you want to."
"Alex?" Pete appeared through the curtains, peeking his head in like he was worried that he was interrupting. "We're all heading in, I think everything is pretty much done out here. Rounds?"
She stood and brushed off her jeans, walking over to Pete to take the clip board from his hands before turning back to Emily. "You can come if you want. It'll just be a few minutes."
Emily's eyes move from Pete back to her and she shakes her head lightly. "I'll stay with Ember until you're done." She stands and walks back over to his stall.
"Okay, I'll be right back." She moves around Pete and through the curtain, the task at hand erasing every thought from her mind.
In the main arena the rings were already snapped into place and the stands were up. The checklist in her hand was lengthy if you didn't know where to look for everything but after seven years, it was easy work now. Thinking wasn't necessary because the routine was so well-known just from the three years of doing it on her own. Check marks beside safety procedures, illuminated exits and wide clear walkways. Checks beside security measures around animal inhabited areas. That one needed to be checked twice because Emily had slipped through so easily.
She smiled as she peeked through a curtain where two men were posted, guarding a large cage painted intricately in red and gold. She stepped inside the curtain and walked directly to the lock, pulling on it to insure it was secure.
"Hey Stella." She called, checking a mark off on the clipboard.
The white Bengal tiger stretched lazily on the soft bedding inside, rolling partially onto her back and wiping a paw over her face.
"Why are you tired?" She frowned. "You haven't done anything today."
There were three tigers that she worked with. Stella was the most popular because she was a better actress. The other two were boarded at a rescue and where 'on-call' in case Stella needed the break. She hadn't needed to make that call so far. Stella seemed more than content being lazy and at night she loved the spotlight.
She walks the outside perimeter and checks the clearance for walkways again. Then heads to the 'backstage' area. Props are stacked carefully against the sides allowing easy movement without tripping in the dark and the sound equipment cables are tacked down.
There were so many convention centers trying to convince her to house the show inside of their indoor arenas but the just wasn't right. It wasn't how circus was intended to be. Cold stone walls instead of a deep red tent or hard concrete floors instead of the soft grass. This was warm and exotic and she'd never give in to changing it.
Voices carried from overhead as a worker balances on a tall ladder, stringing the small lights above while another stands by watching. She stops to watch too, remembering how she felt when they had been coiled up in Clearfield. The sadness she felt watching the red tent fall to the ground and the twinkling lights being packed away. She missed Emily then and the hopelessness that she felt was overwhelming. So different from how she felt now and 24 hours hadn't even passed yet. It already felt like forever ago and Emily was only a few curtains away, yet she could still feel the pain in her stomach when she ripped the check and the ache in her chest when Ember nudged her. She could feel anxiety from the train pushing forward and fear from thinking something was lost to her forever. Remembering all of those things made her appreciate how she was feeling now.
Her eyes moved back to the clipboard as she walked by the ladder, "You should be holding the ladder unless you want me getting sued when he falls, because if he does I'll have your ass." She says flatly, walking in the direction that was calling to her. Movement behind her told her that they had followed the command quickly.
She steps over the barrier of one of the rings and stops short as Pete walks in front of her, making her take a step back to avoid being knocked over.
"Easy tiger." She smiles, slapping the clipboard back in his hand. "You're on bra detail for tomorrow so find Mary."
Pete takes the checklist, smiling proudly as he walks away. Which is odd considering he usually has at least some form of response. Often a weak attempt but at least he tries.
"Oh come on, give me something to work with!" She shouts, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I think you'll be happy with what you're about to work with." Pete shouts without turning around, continuing his fast pace outside.
"Cryptic does not look good on you!" She shakes her head questioningly and moves through the arena and back towards the blue curtain. Stopping as soon as she enters, realizing that what she is searching for is no longer there.
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Alex pushed through the blue curtain clutching the clipboard and leaving her alone with Pete who lingered awkwardly behind. She watches Ember bow his head lazily, still aware that she was being watched. It is more comforting than anything and relaxes her mind enough to think clearly. Everyone Alex surrounded herself with seem like faint images of herself. It probably came from being around them for so long, but even with the similarities and the friendly banter, Alex was so much brighter. In a way, it seemed like they were made better by being near her and she felt that too. A magnetic pull to be near her and no desire at all to stay away.
The way Alex and Pete could play rough and yet her eyes said she loved him. She could joke about Mary, but there was no doubt she loved her too. She cares deeply for everyone around her and asks for nothing in return. Ember leans his head over the gate and nudges her arm. Her mind goes to the apple that Alex had thought to bring back for him and with that she finds her hand stroking across the feather.
"I think it's a good idea." Pete says, stepping up beside her.
"What's that?" She asks, looking at him questioningly.
"What you were just thinking." He smiles. "Alex will think so too."
She looks back to Ember, weighing the thoughts that were running through her mind. The thoughts that had been on her mind since the moment she signed the contract over to Alex. She just hadn't known at the time that she would get the chance to see those thoughts through. "Does Alex get that from you or do you get that from her?"
Pete smiles and looks down. "What exactly?"
"What you're thinking right now." She retorts and straightens herself off the gate to face him.
His smile widens as he chuckles lightly. "The wise psychic abilities come from her. That kind of care is something I learned along the way, but I think she's one of the rare few that's always had it."
"How long have you been around each other?" She asks.
"I was actually her age now when I first met her. She was about this tall." He holds his hand to right below his waist and smiles. "I had just started working for her grandfather in Lincoln and she was visiting with her parents. She marched in with those big wide eyes and jumped right into the middle ring. Five years old and ready to run this whole thing on her own. She was the same then. Intuitive and curious, she would panic if she didn't know every secret behind every act. I'd see her every summer bossing performers around or sitting quietly and just watching. Studying the way everything came together. Alex was made for all of this."
"I can see that." She smiles, nodding as he speaks.
"Well, she's not bossy unless it's called for and I don't think you have anything to worry about there. Then again she's got a little more strength behind her attitude today for some reason." Pete's eyes flicker lightly to hers before he turns and walks towards the curtain, stopping half way. "I'm with you...on that thought of yours." He smiles and disappears through the stream of blue.
Anxiety creeps into her body and she stares at the closed blue curtain for longer than she should have before she looks at Ember. Questions nagging at her mind that she wants answered, but she felt she had no right asking.
Alex had said that she couldn't leave Clearfield if she owed her, even with wanting to respect that, she had left the check on the seat of the truck. She told herself it was because she owed it to Ember, but that wasn't the whole truth. Her mind had done several new things that night and that check was the first step. It was her way of telling Alex that she wanted her before she had even admitted it to herself. A way of wanting her to stay. Falling on the stairs was her mind's way of numbing the pain she had inflicted on herself that way it could turn around and stab feeling back into her body at full force once she grew comfortable with the idea of feeling nothing. The slide show of images in her mind and the fire in her throat from the scent. She owed everything to Alex, for giving her the reason to save herself. Alex was right. There shouldn't be any apologies or thank you's. They weren't nearly enough.
Ember stamps his foot impatiently and she reaches, stroking his nose lightly. Her fingers freeze when she notices the visible twitch under his skin that is radiating through his body. A longing to be free and a strong desire to stay where he felt at home. It just so happened that both of those needs could be met in the same place.
Here...with her.
______________________________________________________________________
The stall was empty. She didn't have to walk closer to check because even though the gate was closed tight, she knew better. Their bags from town still sat by the bale of hay. Curiosity had her pushing through the back curtain and outside, expecting to see Emily. She walked around the edge of the tent, ducking between smaller vendor tents. Ten minutes later she had covered the entire grounds and it was amazing that it took her that long to realize what was going on.
"Pete?" She called into the radio, waiting for his voice to break through the static. "Pete, do we need to discuss proper radio etiquette?" Still static.
She pushed the radio back into her pocket and looked around quickly, her eyes spotting Riley sitting by the tent pouring lighter fluid over juggling clubs.
"Have you seen Emily?" She asks, stopping beside him. He was holding his metal Zippo in his teeth but he nodded and dropped it to the grass.
"Yeah, she headed that way about twenty minutes ago." He points to the side of the tracks opposite from them and the town, steep mountains covered in dense forests. Instantly she felt happy that at least she knew the area well. Emily on the other hand...didn't. She turned away immediately and began a quick pace towards the tracks.
"Morrison!" Riley shouted after her.
"What?" She turned around and continued a backward stride.
"Take one of the ponies." He laughs, picking his lighter back off the ground. She cocks her head slightly and smiles.
"You're adorable Riley, but you know that's not exactly my idea of horsepower." She winks.
"16 is unlocked." He smiles mischievously.
"It better be." She yells turning around to continue a faster walk to the back of the train.
Twenty minutes is a big head start on horseback but she was confident that she could catch up, or at least meet Emily on her way back. The worry came from the thought of her being alone in an area that she wasn't familiar with. She channeled that worry into adrenaline as she gripped the steel handle of car 16 and rolled the door open, her eyes falling lightly on the shiny black truck resting just inside. It was a shame that the ramp was in place already because it would be so much more fun driving off the edge without it.
She edged quickly around the side of the truck, forgetting it completely and setting her sights on a tarp in the back corner. Her hand latched onto the canvas and tugged it off, tossing it aside and taking in the cherry red paint. Her idea of horsepower...had nothing to do with a horse. She gripped the handle bars and kicked the wood block out from underneath before swinging her leg over the black leather of the seat. She balanced the bike between her legs as she switched the tiny button under her right hand to the on position then she leaned forward and slammed her right boot down hard into the kick-start.
A smile spread across her lips as the dirt bike sent vibrations through her body and the smell of gasoline reached her nose. She revved the throttle, sending the loud growl of the engine through her ears, spreading goosebumps across her skin. This was easily her favorite pastime and the best way for her to unwind, but right now... she needed to find Emily. She holds in the clutch and taps her foot into first gear then slowly releases her grip.
As it would turn out the ramp being there made no difference because she cleared it completely, kicking up a cloud of dust and gravel as the tires hit the ground and plowed over the tracks.
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