Circus Story, Chapter 4

Notes: I know this is the only thing I have been posting lately, but seems I am focused on it and I don't want to work on anything else. Hope you all enjoy it.


Chapter 4:

She twisted her fingers into his mane as she nudged him in the side, pushing him into a steady trot. Anna stayed far enough behind to not scare him and the lights were still bright enough to see where they were going. The back road was gravel around the edge of town and that was a good thing. Pavement would be harder on him and there wasn't a way of riding him through town without being seen. This was the only option. He stamped impatiently between his steps, shifting his weight awkwardly. Almost like he was trying to go forward and backward at the same time.

She gestured to Anna to fall back further, but even when she did his body remained tense beneath her. It was her fault for not riding him the last few days. His energy was overflowing and making him uneasy. An impatience in every step that was jostling her stomach. She trusted him and knew better than to think that he would throw her but the ache in her stomach was coming only from his discomfort, not hers. She did the only thing she could think of to ease him. Probably stupid and reckless given the lack of strong lighting on the road but it didn't really deter her. She focused on the long dark road ahead of them and the way she could barely see twenty feet past the headlights of the car, deciding that she didn't really need the light, trusting his instincts completely. She kicked her heel harder into his side, granting him permission to sprint forward.

She could hear the tires skid and falter behind her and then the quick acceleration as Anna fell back, allowing the light to fade around her and enclose them in darkness. Anna understood what she was doing. Anna knew that if she needed the headlights, or wanted the brightness, she would slow down. But she didn't want it. She wanted the night to be the example of what her life had become. Always running from brightness and submerging herself effortlessly in black.

Her breath caught in her throat as the cool air replaced it. Breathing for her and making it easy. She tightened her thighs as his muscles moved faster between her legs, leaning forward slightly to help him gain speed. The flatter she pressed against his body, the faster he'd go. Anna had fallen so far that the road ahead was pitch black. Anna knew what she was doing.

---

"What the hell is she doing?" Anna snapped in disbelief.

The tires skidded on the loose gravel then Anna tried to accelerate again to keep up with Emily, who was now fading in front of them. Her dress whipping up around her thighs as she leaned into his speed. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't watched every movement of her body. The graceful arch of her back as she kicked him faster.

"Give them room." She mumbled. "She knows what she's doing."

Anna turned her wide eyes to study her across the small space. She didn't even have to look at Anna to see her shock, and she couldn't have forced her eyes away from Emily if she wanted to, which she didn't.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? There's no way she can see!"

She rolled her eyes and kept her voice low and even. "She can see...because he can see." She pointed. Obviously an animal had better eyes and instincts than a human. Anna seemed to find common sense to be frustrating.

"Yeah that makes no sense. If she can't see she won't be able to steer him."

"Yeah, that would make a lot of sense if she was driving a car." She mumbled.

"Do you have something to say?" Anna snapped.

She sighed heavily at having to pull her eyes away from the slowly fading Emily, moving them to Anna instead. "Yes actually!" She shot back. "I've been around her for 24 hours and I think that if I can trust that she's doing what she needs to do, then someone that's been around her for most of her life should be able to do the same thing!"

Anna gasped lightly, a realization flickering in her eyes. "You like her! God, I'm so blind!"

"Well then the fact that you're driving is seriously questionable." she snapped back. "I trust her and I hardly know her. What does that say about you?" She flicked her eyes quickly to see the coral pink still ahead as Anna sighed.

"My driving is fine, and I can see clearly enough in the dark to tell that you're blushing!" Anna insisted.

"Again, questionable." She breathed

"My driving or you blushing?"

Anna groaned in annoyance when she didn't answer, clenching the steering wheel tightly.

Her blood was silently about to boil over and she quickly found herself calculating the speed of the ground flying by outside. Loose gravel, grassy ditch. Nothing compared to jumping from the train though. The height was to her advantage there. The car being so low to the ground only gave her the option to tuck and roll. What a shame. White shirts are hard to clean.

"Just say it. You like her." Anna insisted. Her voice was calmer after a few moments of silence.

"I do, but if I was planning on explaining it, it would be to Emily, not you." She breathed.

Anna looked at her sadly for a moment then quickly back to the road, dropping the topic and not a moment too soon. As the lights of the circus were moving closer, the moment felt precious suddenly. A loud ticking in her ears that was counting down too quickly. Like something forcing the hands on a clock to move forward when it was the opposite of what you wanted.

"Listen, just be there for her okay? Because I won't be here to walk her home next time."

Anna was silent beside her.

---

His mane whipped up and hit her cheek, leaving a sting across her skin and a burning in her eyes. Not because it was painful, not physically anyways, but because he would be gone soon.

A faint light appeared in the distance so she focused on it carefully. It was the only way to keep the tears from her eyes. The giant tent moving closer with each passing second. She pulled lightly on his mane gradually working him into a gallop, then a trot as she reached the edge of the parking lot. The street lights illuminated the area enough that Anna pulled around into a parking space near the tent, giving her a wide berth. She tugged his hair again and brought him to a stop.

Anna and Alex were already out of the car and waiting as she clicked her tongue and brought him down to his knees again, sliding carefully from his back. She leaned into him slightly as she stood. The ground shifting beneath her feet for a moment as she adjusted to the stillness. The air felt much warmer when it wasn't whipping across her exposed arms and legs yet she still shivered.

"Damn Em, ride much?" Anna smiled weakly as she appeared at her side.

She looked over her shoulder and let her eyes rest on Alex. Her face was peaceful and soft. Reluctantly she let go of his mane and stepped away, giving Alex room to step closer. He belonged to her now after all. But Alex didn't budge at all, instead she just studied her face.

"Can you lead him for me?" Alex asked softly.

She nodded after a second and touched his mane again, guiding him forward and following Alex around the outskirts of the tent towards the train tracks. Anna moaned and followed behind, still keeping a careful distance from the horse and muttering something about "accessories to fraud."

Alex stopped a few feet back from the steel train car. It was deep blue with swirls of color across the sides. Intricate patterns of swirls and ivy wound tightly together in lighter shades of blue, resembling lace. Small slits spaced evenly in a row across the top to allow air flow. Alex pulled a cell phone from her back pocket and punched in a number, turning impatiently towards them.

"Is there a reason 12 is still closed?" She said into the phone, picking at her finger nail. "Well, then he can complain to my face about it when he gets his ass down here." She snapped the phone shut and sighed. Kicking her boot into the ground as they waited. Within minutes a small storage truck appeared in the distance, moving towards them from down the tracks and going faster than necessary.

"Yeah, this isn't shady at all Em." Anna mumbled. "Isn't there at least an underground horse railroad?"

Alex walked towards the truck as it moved closer, probably to cut it off and create a wider space between it and Ember. Rocks flying from under the tires and smacking loudly into the steel of the train cars. It locked on the breaks when it closed in, sliding on the loose gravel and coming too close to hitting Alex. Only a foot to spare. Close enough to throw a cloud of dirt around her feet.

Alex didn't move and seemed unbothered, but she couldn't help but feel anger towards the driver as she watched her standing there, vulnerable. Her cheeks burned and she gripped tighter to Ember's mane. It was uncontrollable and unexpected over something so simple. It felt natural.

She recognized the burly man from earlier, Jack she thought was his name. He was the one that she had talked to about the horses and he had seemed harmless then but now there was a fire in his eyes as he climbed out of the truck. Two other men jumped down from the cab but they seemed unfocused and completely passive. Her body tensed as the larger man moved towards Alex. She released Ember and stepped forward, closer to her out of an instinct she didn't realize was there until now. Anna grabbed her by the elbow and stopped her.

"Don't, Em." She whispered. She pulled her arm away from Anna and moved anyways. Alex was completely relaxed before but as she stepped closer she watched her body tense. So she stopped.

"It’s 10 o'clock at night! What are we supposed to do with all the shit in there?" He snapped.

"When was the last time we touched anything in 12?" She retorted. "Load it up and dump it. We don't need it if we haven't used it in the last month."

The man's eyes darted over to where she stood, and over at Ember. "We don't have room for another animal." He groaned. Alex was already turning away but that brought her back around to him.

"We aren't going to have enough room for you if you can't get this shit done the first time I ask!" She snapped. "You're lucky you still have arms so why don't you just try to enjoy that fact that you do by using them." She shifted slightly and hesitated. "And we're gonna need some bales moved up from 13."

He huffed and signaled the other guys to pull the side door open. Alex turned and walked back towards them, her eyes softened instantly as she came to a stop beside her. She shivered again but not from the cold. From the electricity radiating from Alex's body as she stood close, almost protectively. Why couldn't the shiver just be from the cold?

Alex shook her head lightly, "It's gonna be a little while. You guys don't have to wait."

Anna breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" She mumbled, pulling lightly on her arm to leave. She looked sadly at Ember and took one step back before she froze again, turning to look at Anna.

"I'm gonna stay a little longer." She said, "You can go back and crash if you want." Anna's eyes flickered to Alex as she released her arm and sighed. A defeat that seemed to run deeper than just the topic at hand.

"Okay..." She breathed. "Can I trust you to get her home tonight without anymore 'Grand Theft Equestrian'?"

"Yeah, of course." Alex smiled. "No problem."

Anna nodded and turned away. "See you when the crazy is back in town, Circus Girl!" She called over her shoulder.

"Alex!" She shouted after her, shaking her head. Anna waved her hand dismissively over her head and disappeared into the darkness.

She shivered as the wind blew against her skin, reaching her hand up to stroke Ember's neck. Before she knew it Alex's hand touched her cheek lightly and then pulled away. Just a hint of heat that got her attention.

"You're freezing." She whispered, turning instantly and gesturing towards the Big Top. Alex stopped when she didn't move to follow, looking between her and the horse. "You can bring him too." Alex added.

She shook her head stubbornly and dropped her arm to her side, stepping away from Ember. "You should lead him...he's yours now."

Alex looked at him hesitantly and moved closer, stopping by her side. The sleeve of her white button up shirt was bunched up around her elbow and as Alex reached for Ember her forearm brushed against her the way it had outside of the bar. Fire against the ice of her own arm.

"No." she says matter-of-factly as she touches his mane. "He's yours."

When she still refused to budge, Alex clicked her tongue. He moved immediately, following Alex into the tent and leaving her staring after them. Her breath released in one gust. Relief and happiness for the first time in so long. A new calm that came with knowing he was going to someone good.

Trust is a funny thing sometimes. It can take years to build and be lost in a matter of seconds, or never found in a lifetime. But sometimes it has a way of appearing out of nowhere and in just a matter of moments. From soft eyes or a smile. From the right words being lightly spoken at just the right time or sometimes from the ones left unspoken. She trusted Alex to look after him and that put her mind at ease.

---

She stopped inside the archway and turned to Emily, watching as her expression relaxed. A peace on her face and a flicker of resolve she hadn't yet witnessed. After a moment Emily walked beside her into the tent. The air was warmer inside but she could feel Emily shiver beside her and it took everything in her to keep her eyes and arms away. She guided the horse through the stream of blue and into the room with the small horses, releasing him next to a hay bale, then walked over to the chair in the corner and grabbed her jacket that lay draped over the back. She turned to face Emily and stepped closer, not hesitating to wrap the red velvet around her shoulders. Emily tensed for a moment but slid her arms inside the warm sleeves.

"Better?" She smiled.

Emily nodded. "Thanks. And not just for the jacket, but for everything."

"I feel like I should be thanking you. You just gave me a horse." She joked, plopping down on a bale of hay. Emily smiles sitting down beside her.

"No, you're doing me a favor. Besides I threw up on your boots so I owe you." Emily shot back.

"Are we really gonna try to out-do each other on thank you's and apologies?" She teased.

"Only if you want to lose. I've barely started apologizing for Anna." Emily grinned. Another real smile.

"Okay I cave, but if it makes you feel any better you didn't throw up on my boots, just yours. I have fast reflexes."

Emily sighed in relief. "That does make me feel better actually. I was worried about that."

She watched the smile on Emily's face when it appeared but also as it vanished. It was gone too quickly. Part of her wanted to reach out and ask, but the larger part of her said no. She wanted to ask what had happened to her that had left her so broken. She wanted to ask her why she was still in this town. She wanted to tell Emily too. She wanted to tell her every detail surrounding her choice to leave Clearfield, even if it was small and trivial now. She wanted to tell Emily every thought in her head that involved her. But she couldn't bring herself to make this harder than it had to be. She couldn't give false hope to someone who was already so lost and she couldn't even bring herself to console her in any way because she knew nothing she said or did would be able to fix her. As much as she didn't want to, she had to leave it alone. She was leaving in a few hours and that couldn't be ignored or changed.

"So, why did you leave Clearfield?" Emily asked. Her tone was casual. Only an intention for small talk but hiding a genuine curiosity that was exactly what she wanted to avoid. She had left Clearfield seven years ago and she knew she had no right to touch Emily's life, especially not now.

She looked at Emily for a moment, watching her dark eyes that were waiting for an answer. "Uh, family business, obviously. It was a needed change."

"So do you like all of this? Leaving all the time? Always moving?"

So much for leaving it alone. The answers to those questions in truth were: yes, not anymore, and not since you. That wasn't going to happen.

"I love all of this. It's incredible and rewarding." She nodded. "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stop and stay in one place but...that didn't work out for me the first time. I don't think I could ever give it all up." Emily nodded beside her. An understanding in her eyes that showed only a deep emptiness.

It was proof that this should be left alone. All of it. In fact it angered her. She wanted to protect Emily from everything but she wanted to leave to spare herself from breaking any further. It needed to be up to Emily to change her life on her own without any input from her, and from the look in her eyes, she wasn't ready to. She was hesitant and distant. Lost in thoughts that were too far away for her to touch. And honestly she had no chance of reaching them by herself and no right to try. Emily may have fallen but she hadn't hit rock bottom just yet. Everybody has a rock bottom. A true limit to how much they can take before they decide whether to pick themselves up or stay down indefinitely. Watching Emily ride showed her that she hadn't completely fallen. No matter how bad things had been for her she would need to crash on her own before she would finally be ready to pick herself up again. And she couldn't make that choice for her. She was already forced to take Ember away...she couldn't be the one to inflict anymore pain. She wouldn't survive it herself.

"Are you hungry?" She asked standing to her feet. Emily was rolling one of the gold buttons on the jacket lightly between her fingers, but she looked up.

"Yeah." She smiled softly, pulling herself up. The proper thing would have been for her to help Emily up but she feared just the touch would hurt. Instead she shoved her hands in her pockets and used her head to gesture Emily to follow.

They walked together through the curtains to the main arena. Everything inside was always set up the same, just a different town. She knew exactly where to find the small old-fashioned popcorn maker that always sat in the corner next to the bleachers. She flipped a red button on the side and looked at Emily.

"You can sit down." She said, pointing at the row of seats beside her. Emily tugged the jacket closer as she walked and sat down. The smell of hot butter filled her nose and she realized she hadn't eaten all day. That was typical on show days and she would usually spend a good two days vegging out on the train afterwards anyways. Scooping two bags she sat down beside her, pushing a bag in Emily's direction.

"You're really good with him, you know?" She said softly, watching Emily's face as her smile appeared again, tugging just lightly at her lips. But it was there. "How long have you been riding him like that?"

"Like that? Two years. It didn't take long to work him out of ropes and saddles. He's smart and didn't like them to begin with." She nibbled on a piece of popcorn, licking the butter from her thumb and the salt from her lower lip. That act was innocent but it still had her looking away quickly, focusing on the popcorn in her own hand. Counter productive.

"Alex?" Pete appeared beside her in the archway. "It's ready if you wanna bring him back." That was quick, and quick was good.

She nodded and jumped up both reluctantly and gratefully, if that were even possible. She reached for Emily's hand without thinking and helped her up, releasing her the second she felt the heat burn into her skin. Her hands immediately found their way into her back pockets as she led the way back to the train car.

Emily stood back, allowing her to make the commands from here on out. She touched his mane, and he moved. It wasn't even necessary for her to keep her hand there. Just a light touch and he began walking beside her. She'd worked with animals a lot, in fact she trained all of the animal trainers herself, but she had never seen one like this. He was calm yet alert with an energy that radiated from his body and a peace in his eyes. She had watched in awe as Emily rode in front of the car. Her hair whipping off of her face and pink lace flowing behind her. This horse was the epitome of Emily's soul and it was intoxicating just being near him. The same drunken emotions that came with being near her. She poured everything she had into this animal and it was tangible in the air. Inspiring and majestic. A longing to be free but a desire to stay where he was wanted. Where he felt safe.

She glanced back at Emily walking quietly behind, still fumbling with the gold button and holding her popcorn in her free hand. Still lost in thoughts that she had no way of touching. No matter how much she wanted to.

The side of the blue train car stood wide open with a ramp leading up. She walked up carefully, brushing his neck to command him to follow. The inside was warm and dry, with a raw wood floor and scattered straw. Clean water and a bucket of feed. Traveling by train was much smoother than trailers. There weren't bumps in the road or sharp corners to throw you from your feet. He would be comfortable here. There was a door connecting it to the car in front of it and one to the car behind so it would be easy to get to him while in motion.

Emily walked up the ramp behind him and exhaled softly. Her eyes twinkled with a knowledge but it wasn't clear if even she knew what that was. Just a flicker of thought as she nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"Thanks." She breathed.

She wanted to joke with her about thank you's again but the moment felt entirely wrong now. Dire and sensitive. She nodded instead and moved towards her.

"He's yours." She assured her. "And I promise he'll be okay."

Emily glanced at him over her shoulder and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "I know." She said surely, but didn't move towards him at all.

---

She turned slowly from Alex and Ember and walked back down the ramp. There was already no hope of salvaging her life and if she stayed here any longer she would fall on the spot. She couldn't look at him again and part of her didn't even want to look at Alex. Her eyes on the other hand had plans of their own and somehow kept trying to find them. Her legs needed to move while they still could. To put as much ground between this moment and herself as possible.

She could hear Alex's footsteps following behind and was shocked at how much that did to comfort her. Her fingers still rolling over the gold button lightly and her lungs hurt from the short breaths she had been taking. Less orange clung to the jacket and more musk. A light floral with a hint of spice. It was soft and feminine with a note of strength and it was clouding her mind. She stopped as Alex caught up to her side, slipping the velvet from her shoulders and handing it back to her. Alex's breath hitched as she took it back, letting her arm drop down to her side and the fabric hang loosely in her fingers.

"Let me grab some keys and I'll take you home. I don't want Anna coming after me. I've seen what she's capable of and I'd rather not see it again." She smiled. They walked along the length of the train, Alex falling one step behind like she had outside of the stables. Something about that made her feel safe.

"Yeah, Anna has her extreme moments." She agreed.

"To be fair I think we all have those moments. Some just don't act on them so much." Alex grinned.

"Did she cause too much trouble? I'm really.."

"Don't say sorry." Alex pleaded. "And no, no trouble. I think everyone enjoyed it except for that poor woman. Though I have to admit I was a little upset with the 'bat-shit crazy' part. I thought I had a copyright on that term." She chuckled lightly.

She smiled as she listened to the laugh leave Alex's lips, unable to keep herself from laughing too. Also unable to silence the scream in her head that was telling her to stop. To slow down and memorize this moment because there was no telling when or if she would ever be here again.

They stopped near a side door. Alex pulled it open and stepped on the foot rail, kicking off the ground to climb up. She turned once she was inside and extended her arm towards her. She held her breath as she placed her hand in Alex's, allowing her to pull her up too and stumbling slightly as her body brushed against her in the tight doorway. Alex released her hand quickly once she had her footing, turning and moving left down a dimly lit hallway with rich red carpet and warm wood walls. Small windows to the outside lined the right side of the hall with a few doors spaced on the left side. The wood on the walls showcasing tiny pictures of animals and circus acts. She stopped near a window and touched her hand lightly over a carving of a stallion rearing back with a large feather in a crown on its head.

"It's really beautiful." She noted. Alex stopped a few feet ahead beside a wooden door, turning to follow her gaze.

"I've always loved that one. Go figure." She smiled.

"Can you put a feather on his head like this?"

Alex chuckled lightly as she pushed open the door. "Yeah, I can probably do that."

She dropped her hand to her side and followed Alex through the doorway. The red carpet continued into the space, which was larger than she had expected. The color of the floor slightly covered by a plush white rug. The walls were still the same rich wood and tiny carvings etched the ceiling. Alex walked over to a small door in the far right corner and flipped a switch on the wall. A small light turned on casting a warm dim glow over the room. She opened the door and slipped the red velvet jacket on a hanger, pulling out a brown leather bag instead. Another door rested in the far left corner separated from the closet by a small window with a vanity counter. Probably a bathroom. She moved her eyes to an arched door frame that stood flush against the one solid wall beside the closet. Heavy red curtains hung down the sides for the purpose of being pulled shut to hide the double bed that rested inside the tight enclosed space. The bed was pushed against the left side with a narrow space to the right where a small table sat with an alarm clock. It was nothing like she expected it to look. When she thought of sleeping or living on a train she pictured hammocks hanging from the ceiling and forming bunk beds over each other. This was beautiful and inviting. Her eyes went to the bed again. Maybe it was pirate ships that had hammocks.

Alex moved to her side, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Are you ready?" Her eyes changed as she spoke. The deep brown turning from soft to focused so quickly.

"Yeah." She mumbled, giving her a light smile. She backed out of the room into the hallway as Alex closed the door behind then led the way back outside. Alex jumped down first, again offering her hand to help her to the ground.

"So, where are you going next?" She asked, planting her feet on the ground. Alex released her hand again quickly and found her back pockets. They started walking towards the tents and she was surprised when she realized half of them had already collapsed to the ground. Workers scrambling in the darkness and packing up.

"West Virginia. We have a lag for a few days outside of Charleston." Alex frowned slightly.

"I'm guessing that's a bad thing?" She asked. Alex shook her head.

"Not really. We have quick stops sometimes, like this one, and then other times we get a longer spacing for shows. It let's everyone rest a little longer before leaving again. We just got stranded in a snow storm last time we were there."

She nodded in understanding. "That doesn't sound so bad. I love snow."

"Oh I do too. Just not on the tracks with a limited supply of shovels." Alex smiled.

"Are you gonna stop here again soon?" She asked. Her voice sounded strong but she felt weak. She knew what she wanted to hear but also accepted the truth even before the question left her lips. They stopped beside a black single cab pick-up. Old in age and very well-kept. One of those you would see at an antique car show. Alex kicked her boot hard into the ground as she stopped walking. Turning to face her even though she kept eyes cast to the dark sky as she mulled over an answer. Her hands still deep in her pockets.

"Probably not." Alex sighed, bringing her eyes back to meet with hers. She could feel her throat tighten. "Anna may have gotten us barred from the town." She smiled, pulling open the passenger side door and holding it open for her.

She smiled in relief at the joke and stepped closer. Brushing past her as she climbed into the cab of the truck. Alex closed the door behind her and walked around the hood to the driver's side.

She clenched her fists as she pulled the seat-belt across her lap, trying to still the tremble that had started there. A shaking deep within her that was being amplified by the cool air, among other things. She watched her slide in behind the wheel, dropping her bag to the seat between them and pushing the key into the ignition as she pumped her foot against the floor. The engine roared to life then quieted to deep purr. Alex wrapped her hand over the shiny gear knob and pushed it forward, pulling smoothly from the grass into the street.

She shivered lightly as she watched the wind blowing through the trees outside the window. Alex noticed, reaching her hand up to crank the heat on and flip the button on the radio. The oldies station belted out a static filled 'Let's Get It On.'. Her eyes widened as she slapped it back off.

"Shit." Alex breathed.

She smiled as she watched Alex's reaction. It was priceless. Alex looked at her and smiled sheepishly.

"I'm sorry." She said, shaking her head in disbelief. "This is one of three sets of keys and I haven't driven this truck since we've been here." The redness in Alex's cheeks made her laugh.

"I believe you." She insisted. Alex's smile widened as she watched her, only making her laugh harder.

"You don't believe me!" Alex accused. "Have you seen the men I work with?" Her mouth dropped as she shook her head.

She stopped laughing and rolled her eyes at the accusation, a smile still on her lips.

"I have...and I do believe you." She demanded. Alex threw a hand up in defeat, still not buying it.

She sighed and reached for the radio, turning it back on as Alex eyed her curiously. The song had ended and now a broken up Earth Angel filtered through. She shut it off again, sinking back into the seat as Alex pulled to a stop in front of her house. Anna's car was in the driveway but the house was dark. Her heart pounded from how fast the drive had passed. It was only a few miles but it was still over too soon.

Alex tapped an overhead light on the ceiling and reached for her bag, digging inside and pulling out a small book and a pen. She unbuckled herself and leaned forward to the dash-board, using its flat surface to write. The heat from the vent blew her hair off her shoulders and perfumed the air as she wrote, bringing a dryness to her throat. She clenched her fists tighter and after a few seconds Alex leaned back again, tearing a paper from the book and handing it to her. She took it slowly and studied the writing, surprised by what she saw.

"No." She said firmly pushing it back towards her. "I'm not taking this."

Alex locked onto her eyes stubbornly but she didn't move to take the check back.

"I'm not letting you just give me a five thousand dollar horse." Alex shook her head.

"You're right, you're not 'letting' me because I already did. It's done." She said firmly. Alex sighed.

"Please. I need to leave but I can't if I owe you like this." Her voice was pleading and defeated. The sadness in her eyes made her drop her hand to her lap. The way she said that she *needed* to leave. It was finally the truth that she had prepared herself for. Alex wasn't passing off sarcastic blame on Anna's behavior this time, or joking about being barred from Clearfield. She really did want to leave and it was clear in the desperation of her gaze.

She retracted her arm, still clutching the check in her fingers. A numbness working through her body and dripping morphine into her mind. It hurt but only for a moment because it was everything she had expected. It made sense.

Alex relaxed and threw open her door to walk around but there was no need for her help this time. She opened her own door and climbed out before Alex made it around the hood. Guilt at that decision cut through her as Alex reached her side. She had to force her eyes to find the ground to avoid the hurt on her face as she closed the door for herself. She kept her voice neutral and her words indirect. A decision that was hard but her stubbornness wouldn't allow her any other way.

"When are you guys leaving?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest as she shivered and stepped up onto the sidewalk.

"I don't know, a few hours probably. Depends on how fast we get packed up but we should be hours away by the time the sun rises."

She nodded and smiled weakly. "Well, thanks again for everything. What I saw of the show was amazing and I know Anna loved it."

Alex ducks her head and smiles, leaning against the door of the truck and kicking one boot back onto the side step. "I'm glad you guys liked it, all things considered. Even though Anna missed the tigers." Her smile widened.

"Yeah, she was disappointed about that." She agreed.

"Well, if we make it back this way tell her I'll make it up to her."

She nodded and moved towards the porch, ignoring the way that movement caused Alex to straighten herself off of the truck and step forward. She stopped and turned to face her again, now ten feet between them in physical distance and in reality so much further.

"Take care of him. He means a lot to me."

Alex breath hitched in her throat and even in the darkness she could see the melting of her chocolate eyes. Her words were soft and short but they were honest. "I will. And, I know."

She smiled weakly and walked to the porch, keeping her arms wrapped tightly across her chest for warmth. Or maybe to keep from falling to the ground. Both were important reasons in any case.

The door was unlocked and she even though she heard no movement from Alex, she couldn't bring herself to look back. She closed the door tightly behind her and flipped the lock, focusing on taking deep breaths and keeping the movement in her body as she forced herself upstairs immediately.

She faltered slightly when she heard the faint roar of the truck out front. Recovering to the best of her ability and forcing herself to push on. She tried to keep her thoughts away from the fact that the only thing that had been holding her together for the last three years, was now gone. Goodbyes are never easy but they are often inevitable. Even with that understanding she stumbled on the top step, crashing to her knees and sinking into the banister of the stairwell.

A dry sob escaped her throat and a sting pushed tears from her eyes. If she thought she had felt empty before she was severely wrong. The hopelessness now was untouchable to anything she had felt before. Knowing she wouldn't be able to see the one thing that pulled her from bed every morning and the one thing that had made her really smile again.

The scariest part was that her thoughts were not only on the horse. It played a role in pushing her further into the ground, but not completely. It was the clear images of a girl leaning across the bar. Of the spotlight in her hair and her face in the shadows of the stables. The furthest fall was somehow coming from the sound of the truck fading into the distance and the musk on her skin. Her mind was screaming at her to remember those images. Begging to go back and walk through them again. They were just ghosts now and maybe that's all they had ever been. A possibility in another place and another time. Like the flickering memory of a dream that slips away slowly until you can't remember if it ever happened.

She choked on the cry in her throat trying to pull herself back to her feet but failing every time as her body weakened and weighed her down, only now understanding the term 'rock bottom'. She was crumbled and broken and the floor spun beneath her. How much pain could one person handle? Because this was too much.

She gave up trying to move, instead she pressed her back against the railing, wrapping one hand around the wood to keep from falling any further, not that if it mattered if she did. Her throat was on fire from the dryness and the tightening in her chest had her struggling to breath. Nothing felt more wrong in her entire life than this exact moment.