Circus Story Chapter 5
Watching Emily walk away was conflicting. Praying she would turn around but begging her not to. Memorizing the way the moon made her hair and dress glow, but wanting to forget it. She had taken a step towards her, wanting to walk her to the door again but accepting that Emily didn't seem to want that. She wasn't needed here anymore and she couldn't stay. The only peace she found was in the way Emily seemed to feel that way too, albeit sadly. So many things are colliding in her mind and none of them can find a way to piece themselves together. It's disorienting to have your own mind telling you what to do while everything else in your body is wanting what you can't have. The only thing she could do was follow Emily's lead and turn away too. Even though she knew she had to do it, not even a small part of her wanted to. Emily needed to focus on herself. Emily needed to be able to decide for herself what she needed without having some circus girl here to be a reason for her decisions. Emily had enough decisions already and none of them involved her.
She forced herself around to the driver's side of the truck once the front door was closed, sliding into the seat and starting the engine. Her eyes flickered to the radio and "Earth Angel" repeated itself in her mind like a mantra that seemed to be taunting her incessantly. Rubbing the obvious in her face and picking at wounds that had begun to heal before her arrival back in Clearfield. Reminding her of why she had never come back before, why she kept herself away for so many years. She scolded herself for making the choice to come back now because she was so sure she had healed enough to be able to return and leave again without incident. Of course she couldn't have expected any of this but still, it was a reminder now and Pete was right. She was weak and being here was beyond foolish. Add that to the mantra, weak and foolish.
As she pulled into the fairgrounds she let the engine die, falling back heavily against the seat and letting her eyes close. They burned from finally being able to rest. She hadn't stopped moving all day and the stillness around her only made her more tense. If she was in any other state or even another town she would have found solace in the silence, but not here. Solace was never something she had been able to find in Clearfield. There had never really been a chance for her to truly find it and by the time she found the tiniest shred it was being shadowed by a nightmare of a girl.
She needed to be moving. She should be doing something to keep her mind away from Emily and the ruins that she was being forced to leave behind. Nothing good had come from the last few days. The girl she cared about was broken and she was on that path too. There was no way for her to protect what didn't belong to her in the first place.
That thought forced her to move again. She shifted and turned to grab her bag off the seat, dropping the keys inside and pulling the strap over her shoulder. A rustle on the seat beside her made her freeze. Her breath stopped short as her eyes fell on the paper with her writing. She snatched the check quickly and looked at it, letting her eyes fall on the top left corner. A sigh of sadness left her lips as pain ripped through her chest and her fingers ripped through the paper. Scattering all but one piece to the floor. Her cheeks burned as she choked back the tightening of her throat.
Immediately she threw the door open and kicked it shut. Beginning a determined pace towards the tents. Most of them had fallen and that was a shame. She needed the distraction. She needed anything to take her mind off of the paper in her hand. In fact, she needed the paper out of her hand.
She dropped the last piece of the check, letting it blow to the ground as she pushed on. Any distraction would work. Something involving a hammer or heavy lifting to keep her thoughts away from the fact that she was leaving a piece of herself behind. The worst thing about that thought? The part that hurt the most? It was watching the piece of the check fall knowing that it contained their only link to each other and that Emily had left it behind. The typed phone number below her name. Information that she hadn't even realized she had given her. Emily probably didn't realize it either but that wasn't the point. It was the universe telling her that leaving was the right thing and that coming here had been wrong. She had no right touching Emily when she had missed out on everything that had hurt her.
She stopped in her tracks as the Big Top fell to the ground before her eyes, revealing the silhouettes of the Pennsylvania hills in the distance. Just shadows in the night. If your eyes didn't know they were there you'd never see them. You had to know exactly where to focus your eyes and they'd appear. Black outlines of rolling hills against a lighter black sky. She knew exactly where to find Emily. The big gray house on a quiet street. Even knowing where she was didn't change that fact that she was unreachable. Just a shadow yet somehow Emily was still haloed in light.
Focus. Her skin burned as her body staggered. Even though she wasn't moving, the ground below her had other plans. She had to counter the movement with her own careful steps. The ground had never really been moving beneath her feet before. Not until now. Not until her.
Picking up a hammer from a tool box on the ground she walked the perimeter of the collapsed canvas, knocking the steel stakes from the ground. It took strength. They weren't the average ones used for camping and they had to be hit from all angles to loosen them from the packed dirt. It's a job usually left to the men because they were driven two feet into the ground and each one took a few minutes to get out. Luckily she was having an easy time channeling her strength at the moment, or what was left of it. The only thing that seemed to erase Emily from her mind was the vibration through her arm as the hammer hit metal.
"Emily?"
She opened her eyes slowly. There was a tightness around them from the dried tears and a slight stiffness from the wood of the banister digging into her back, but no pain where there should be. She hadn't fallen asleep, she had simply stopped feeling. An empty shell of the person she used to be without a reason to pick herself up. Her mind was so numb that the only thing she saw was the darkness of the stairwell. The only thing she heard was the deafening silence. Like being surrounded and held under a body of black water. Not needing to breathe because the natural craving for oxygen had vanished. She was suspended in nothingness. No feeling or thoughts...no pain. She couldn't feel sad or scared, and certainly not happy. She could remember enough to know that she had done nothing that entitled her to any of those feelings. She felt every sense of the word 'nothing'.
She didn't feel hot or cold, though slight movement in the air around her told her that something had changed. A tingle of air against her skin but an inability to react to it. Her body was heavy. Locked in place like the nights when you rest so uneasily on the edge of sleep, just knowing that any moment that feeling of falling will surface and startle you awake. There's nothing you can do to keep it from happening because you delude yourself into thinking that maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you'll be allowed to sleep without the anxiety and possibility of falling. Maybe this time you'll be spared and be finally able to rest peacefully. But then you fall again.
"Emily?"
Pay attention, Emily. Things are changing around you and nothing will be the same anymore. She swallowed weakly. It should hurt, but it didn't. She hadn't moved in so long. Hours, judging by the way the moonlight was two feet higher on the wall. What difference does time make when you're drowning? On any other day it would mean everything. Seconds could mean the difference between life and death. But time meant nothing now. It was lost. Evident in the way she barely noticed the rise and fall of her own chest, or the brush of warmth across her arm. Someone was touching her. So close to waking up. Focus Emily, you can't forget. Another voice beside her and another brush of warmth against her arm. Warm...not hot.
Heat...
Wake up Emily. The heat of velvet replacing her shiver from being cold. Heat moving across her back to soothe the wrenching of her stomach. Heat around her waist leading her home. Heat touching her cheek and grabbing her hand.
"Emily?" Anna whispered, sliding to the stair beside her. She knew the voice but she couldn't see her face.
Her eyes squeezed tightly shut as her tears poured over. Feeling snapping back into her body all at once. Overwhelming and strong. A desperate realization. A fire in her throat and a stabbing in her stomach. The chill against her skin and the wood floor beneath her. A painful cry sounding from someone nearby...from her?
Anna moved and wrapped her arms around her, holding her close. In all the years that Anna had been in her life it had been six years since she had seen her cry like this. One or two tears out of frustration didn't compare to the sound leaving her throat or the caving of her shoulders against the railing. The concern in Anna's eyes reflected the image of herself broken on the stairs.
"Em, it's okay." She soothed, rubbing her hand across her back. The only thing she could think of was how her hands weren't warm enough. Not as warm as... "What happened?" Anna asked, pulling away to look at her for an answer.
She choked on the air trying to work its way into her lungs. Sobs that were forcing air out but not allowing it in. The words just wouldn't come. She wrapped her arms across her chest and leaned into her bent knees in an upright fetal position, trying to hold pieces of herself together but failing as she watched them fall to the cold floor. She tried working herself into slower breaths but the first wave of air to hit her lungs made time stand still. A scent acting as fire in her throat and silencing her body. Freezing the cry in her throat and forcing her to hold her breath to stop the burn.
Heat from the vent in an old black truck that was heavily perfumed by...
She gasped and choked again, pulling away from Anna and using the banister to pull herself up. Her legs shaking beneath her body as she moved up the stairs. Anna reached for her but she pulled away, focusing carefully on the steps she needed to take on her own. The scent needed to leave her body. Her life was a mess because she had made it that way. Nobody else was responsible for her. Not Mia or Amy. Not Skyler or her parents or Aiden. Not Anna or Ember and certainly not...
You're almost there Emily... remember.
Her vision shifted around her. Various shapes and sizes of different people. Pulling canvas into piles and stacking crates. It was like one of those music videos where traffic blurred into a fast forwarded time-lapse and created a solid stream of light. Everything was running together and flashing by around her as she worked. Coming closer and then bleeding away into nothing.
Her legs were numb from the two hours of non-stop moving. A dull ache in her arms proving that at least she was still alive. That had to count for something. Or maybe it didn't. So many times since she had been here, her breath had been lost. Ripped from her lungs without her consent. And now it felt good to be panting and feeling the oxygen filling her lungs quickly. Expanding strongly in her chest.
Spotlights stood high off the ground. Casting enough light for everyone to see what they were doing. Safety first of course. The area around her was slowly returning to its original grassy field. She had paused to watch the strands of glass bulbs being wrapped into a tight coil and the deep red of the tent being folding in on itself. The bales of hay carried back to car 13 and the black truck being driven onto the ramp of car 16, the last car on the train. She always found that ironic because it was the last year she had spent in Clearfield. It seemed fitting that the train would end on the same number as the year her life had changed. Started over, so to speak.
Oh how far she had come since that day. She had thought about that outside of the bar. About how much she had grown. It was right in that moment and it made sense because she thought it was the truth. At least in her delusional world that she had created for herself. She should have known better than to believe it could stay that way. It all changed the second Emily walked out that door and she realized how lost she was. Seeing her pain undid everything inside her that thought she was strong enough to come back here. Her resolve was shattered instantly when she watched the flying pieces of trash hit the ground around Emily's feet.
Sighing, she dropped the hammer into a tool box and grabbed a bottle of water. The work had done a lot to distract her body but not to ease her mind. The only solace she found was that hopefully Emily would be sleeping peacefully as the train pulled down the tracks. Judging from the amount left to do. There was still a good two hours of work ahead of them if they took their time and she didn't intend to. Still there was time for a few more things before her body fell from exhaustion.
The walk back to the train was slower than she wanted but she was tired and each step pushed her further into the ground. Pretty much everything she was physically capable of doing was done. The only remaining things had to be done by the heavier lifters and it would take some time. She threw open the hatch to the train and climbed up, turning left down her familiar hallway and slipping into her bedroom. She pulled her radio from the belt of her black pants and unfastened the button on her white shirt. Well, it used to be white. Maybe jumping from Anna's car would have been okay after all. Not like it would have damaged the white cotton anymore than it was now. Grass stains, grease stains and dirt. Also some butter from the bag of popcorn she had taken time to shovel in her mouth on her thirty-second break. It was odd that there were stains on her shirt from that though, because she didn't recall using her hands at all. She tossed her clothing to the red carpet, ignoring the desire to pull the contract out of the back pocket to see the swirl in Emily's writing.
She turned her back to the pile and opened the small bathroom door. It was bigger than you'd think because the vanity stood outside of the bathroom door and gave extra space to already tight quarters. It was better to take a shower now because trying to take one while moving could be tricky. Nothing crazy as far as bumps or sharp turns, but just unsettling. Like the floor was shifting beneath you. Not much fun when naked and soapy and standing in a porcelain tub. What was more unsettling was how she had trained herself to only focus on the task at hand. A step by step process. Turn water on. Wait. Step in shower. Apply soap. Rinse. Don't listen to the voices in your head telling you that you're fucking things up. Don't listen to the voice telling you to sign this entire business over to someone else. Forget about doing the one thing you really want to do. Pass it off as impulsive behavior, something you used to be good at anyways. It should come naturally by now. Ignore the memory of Emily laughing. Ignore her sadness.
Yeah, that last one was the worst.
She stayed in the hot water until her body began to relax. The steam soothing the tension in her head and the dryness of her throat. Relaxing her sore muscles and clearing fog from her mind. And then the water turned to ice and all of those things came right back. Progress undone so quickly. She wrapped herself in a towel, red, seriously telling herself that she needed to change the color scheme on the train because red was now only reminding her of her jacket on Emily's shoulders. It suited her better. The color red...and sadly the jacket too. Maybe blue would be better for... No, not blue. Every color could find a way to remind her of Emily. Like the moonlight on raven hair or the rich wood on the walls that seemed to be burning into her like the warm brown of her eyes.
Goosebumps rose across her skin as the cooler air in her room mixed with the steam from the bathroom. She dried quickly and slipped into a pair of clean jeans, hugging tightly down her legs. She had a lot of jeans that fit this way because she was always wearing her boots. She slipped them on and pulled the zipper up her calf, then pulled her favorite deep blue v-neck t-shirt from a hanger. Her fingers brushed lightly against the crushed velvet, lingering too long.
"Alex?" A knock sounded at the door.
She pulled the shirt over her head and closed the closet, quickly grabbing a hair tie from the vanity counter, biting it between her teeth on her way to the door. Pete was leaning against the wall on the other side of the hall, a narrow two feet in width.
"Whathsup?" She mumbled. I lisp-like sound to her words because of the band that she held with her mouth. She began bunching her damp hair back into a sloppy pony-tail has he watched her in amusement for a moment. She raised her eyebrows impatiently before he started.
"You left your bag in the truck." He said, setting it by her feet. "They're finishing up out there and should be done in the next thirty minutes or so. Are you gonna hit the books?"
She pulled the tie from her teeth and wrapped it tightly around her hair. "Yeah just about to. Is that all that's left?"
"Uh, no we're still waiting on refueling and water so that might add another hour." She shook her head fervently.
"No, we should have enough of both to get to Charleston, right?" She asked. Pete just nodded in agreement. "Then we can get everything we need when we get there." Pete straightened himself off the wall.
"Yeah, okay. First things first though...hit the books." He smiled, turning down the hallway.
"You're supposed to be helpful!" She shouted. "Why can't you take half?"
He turned and started a backwards pace. "I have to go call and cancel the service trucks. And besides, It's your account Boss"
"You can have it!" Her words left her mouth without thinking. Pete was already through the door but it was too late because the damage had been done in her mind and anger was hovering too closely to her body.
She groaned in frustration, grabbing her radio and clipping it to her back pocket then bending to pick up her bag from the floor before leaving the room. The commons car was directly behind hers and as she approached the door she could hear the banter being shouted between everyone.
"Morrison!" They shouted as she entered.
They all sat around various tables and couches that lined the walls near the windows. It resembled a classy Victorian parlor with mahogany furnishings and just touches of western aesthetic, from the rustic leather sofas. A bar in one corner and a pool table in another. It wasn't used often. The pool table, not the bar. The bar was used daily. The table on the other hand sat a little close to the wall which made shooting tricky and everyone was so practiced that games were over too quickly. There was no challenge.
The group on the train wasn't as big as you'd think. Mostly performers and trainers and only a few workers. There were a good fifty workers outside yet only a few belonged to the team. All of the others were enlisted ahead of time from whatever town they would be stopping in. Kind of like a seasonal job. They'd come out and work for a few days, get paid and get left behind. It made for a more comfortable living environment in the already cramped quarters and saved money by not having to pay workers to sit on the train and not work. Every town also offered new talent that would line up just to play some small part in the show. An extra clown or mime or a vender at a table. Very rarely would a permanent performer be found. In fact the last and only time that it had happened since she had been a part of this...was 5 years ago. Mary.
There were thirty people on the train that were show-related. Ten of which were simply fillers for an act, extras so to speak. There were also five people who were for train purposes only. Engineers and maintenance. Gatherings in the Commons Car were rowdy but mostly only after shows. Days traveling were usually spent sleeping, but every now and then there would be a late night rumble in the kitchen over sugar or a dart competition that would send everyone dropping to the floor to avoid getting impaled.
"Victory shot!" Mary shouted, sliding a shot glass across the table. "Another town without incident." Everyone else cheered and clapped.
Her eyes locked with Pete's and at least he seemed to understand. He was the only one with a solemn look about him. Giving her a soft encouraging smile. Without incident...if they only knew.
Mary was one of three burlesque women. Faith and Sarah were the other two and they were often found chattering to each other excitedly about how they could improve their costumes. Mary on the other hand was tough on her own. She could hold liquor better than everyone on board and take down any one of them anytime. She joined 5 years ago at 25 when they had stopped in Albany and she had been her very own personal discovery. Mary was pure talent. All of the girls were. They could move their bodies in ways that were completely unnatural for even the above average person. Combine that with their voices and they became sirens beckoning men. Anyone that laid eyes on Mary would automatically be drawn to her...obvious assets, but they'd be missing out on her other traits. She's beautiful. A tall frame full of curves. Rich brown hair that flowed down her back and ice blue eyes. Unfortunately she was a fan of hugs once she had enough alcohol in her system. Hugs that often turned into choke holds. She was pretty sure, judging by the thin walls on the train, that Mary put on her fair share of private shows also.
She grabbed the glass from the table, weighing it heavily with her eyes. It was tradition before leaving a town that she christened their departure and often one shot turned into two which turned into waking up the next morning on top of the pool table in a pile of drool. Work wasn't done for her tonight though so it would have to be just the one. She shot it back quickly, vodka burning her throat.
"Amen!" Mary smiled, pouring a round for everyone else and sliding glasses across the table.
"Good shows guys!" She smiled, pushing through another door and leaving the party behind. The same red carpet and wooden walls. Three rooms on the left side and windows to the right. The first door was where she was headed and inside was a small office with a large wooden desk and filing cabinets. She grabbed her keys from her bag and unlocked the door, closing it behind her then flipping on a small lamp on the desk and dropping heavily into the upholstered chair.
She could still hear workers moving things around outside and she could feel the vibrations through the train as crates were loaded into the end cars. Using her key to unlock one of the drawers she pulled out a large black binder and a pen. Her logs for every person that had showed up to work for the last few days and a business sheet of checks. The one she had given Emily was personal. She shook her head lightly and began filling them out one by one as she went down the list of names. The payout amount ranging high three digits to lower four digits for two days of work. It was nonexistent at this point for her to ever have to worry about those numbers. Even without inheritance from four family members, the show paid for itself entirely with enough left over at the end of the year to buy several large homes. Over time and with each passing year the total would slowly rack up. It was another reason why she didn't hesitate to write Emily a check. There was no boundary to what she would have paid for Ember. He was Emily's.
After the checks had been filled out, all 46 of them, they were torn from the binder before she locked it back inside the drawer. Glancing at the world clock on the wall. The pacific time read just after 2 am. Emily had been home safe for over three hours and she was probably sleeping soundly. She would probably be lost completely in the unlimited possibilities of her mind as the train pulled away, leaving Clearfield behind. She pulled the pony-tail from her hair and loosened the long waves between her fingers. Separating the curls and relieving some of the tension. Her head hurt all of a sudden.
She swallowed back the trapped air in her throat and gathered the checks, leaving the room and locking the door behind her. Pete was talking on his phone in the Commons Car. He looked up as she approached, taking the checks off of her hands and standing up to deliver them.
She passed Mary and the others, now dealing cards across the table and placing bets on articles of clothing. Most were already missing jackets and shoes, several were down to just their pants. Mary on the other hand had managed to gain a sweater around her shoulders and a newspaper boy hat that sat lopsided on her head. Such a hustler for someone who detested clothing in general.
Once she pushed through the door into her quiet hallway she tried to focus on easy breaths. It was hard, impossible even. As long as the train continued to sit still on the tracks an uneasiness in her stomach would continue to weigh her down. The sadness and the loss for a person that she never had.
She stopped by her door hesitantly. A pulling at her body to look at the horse carving on the wall. She inched closer, tracing her finger over it lightly where Emily had touched earlier. Maybe if she looked close enough she could find a fingerprint or catch a whiff of her skin. Nothing was there. Just the warm colored wood that was cold beneath her fingertips. She stared at the crown and feather on the stallion's head for a moment then dropped her hand. Turning her body around and heading away from her room, towards the back of the train.
She flipped on the light in her bedroom and opened the top drawer of her dresser. Pulling out clean shorts and a tank top. Anna was right behind her. Glancing at her nightstand clock she learned that she had been on the stairs for almost three hours and yet she couldn't remember a second of it. It was just after 2 am now and her body ached from being cold and tired. The scent on her dress felt like fire in her lungs and it very well could have been. It hurt just the same.
"Em, talk to me." Anna pleaded.
She froze and looked sheepishly down, avoiding Anna's prying eyes.
"It's been a long day, Anna. I'm cold and I'm tired and I just want to take a shower and go to bed." Anna sighed and shook her head.
"Don't lie to me Emily. I'm not as dense as you think I am and contrary to popular belief, hair color is not always a factor." Anna’s voice remained soft.
"I don't want to talk about it okay? Not tonight and maybe not ever." She whispered.
"Did she..." Anna started. Emily lifted a hand. Pain cut through her body. An endless cycle picking at her flesh and rubbing salt into new wounds. The scent brought the image of a face and the image brought...pain. It was a whole new level of hurt.
You're so close. Don't forget the details. They aren't small. Her mind became detached completely as numbness worked through her veins again. Details Emily...details.
"She drove me home. She didn't try anything. She wasn't rude and she didn't overstep boundaries. Just drop it." Her voice sounded foreign now. Distant and empty. Her body became agitated as the burning in her throat raged on. She didn't want to stand here and listen to Anna point fingers of blame at someone who had done nothing wrong. If Anna wanted to be mad at anyone it should be her, not...
She turned towards the bathroom with clean clothes in her hands.
"Em, that's not what I was gonna say!" Anna's voice was cut off by the slamming of the bathroom door and the clicking of the lock.
This shouldn't hurt so much. This nameless face played such a vague role in her past and she had only been near her for one day. None of it made sense and at the same time it all felt right. Maybe it was just because she had been alone for so many years and the attention was a fresh change.
No, even that made no sense. There had been girls before over the last several years that had attempted to pay attention to her but they had been faded and blurry in the distance. Moving at fast pace around her while she remained frozen in place. The way movies show a girl sitting at the bar alone. Drowning in a ringing silence as everyone around her continued to move forward. Finally giving up the hope that she would smile back.
She turned on the shower and stripped her body of the dress, stepping under the stream of hot water. At least she assumed by the steam in the air that it was hot, because she couldn't really feel it. Musk reached her nose, floral and spice, caving her lungs and buckling her knees beneath her. Making her arms brace against the tile wall as she fell weakly to the cold porcelain. Falling twice today was enough, but three times? First with Ember in the stables, then on the stairs from the fading of the truck in the distance and the plain emptiness of being alone. Now this...this was...all of the details surrounding that truck driving away. The stairs and this moment were caused by the same truth and her mind was failing to protect her from it because of that scent.
There was no separating the heat of her tears from the hot water. There was no barrier and there was no break from the onslaught this time. There was no morphine from her mind to coat the searing in her veins and no way to slow her breathing. The air slammed hard from her chest like a wall smashing into her stomach. Breaking every bone in her body in the process and forcing her down. She was raw and exposed. Torn open completely by the scent being washed down the drain. She prayed for the numbness to return to her body. To cloud her mind and paralyze her again. The hours on the stairs seemed like a dream compared to this. It had been her mind's way of shutting down completely and protecting herself from the pain. She wanted that to happen now because she could feel absolutely everything. She couldn't stop the images from lingering before her eyes. It was like a projector casting pictures on the tile wall and bringing out everything she had felt in that moment. Finally every detail of the truth she was refusing to see.
Alex.
Alex leaning into her to look at the circus flyer in her hands and the challenge in her soft voice: Breathless.
The waitress of the bar brushing her fingers across the heat she knew to be Alex's hand: Jealousy.
Watching Alex smile as she walked away from her porch and faded into the night: Hope.
The moment the spotlight appeared above Alex's head and lit up the glow of her skin: Desire.
How Alex stilled the shaking of her hands and knew exactly what she was asking of her without the need for words: Trust.
When Alex touched Ember and he followed without doubt: Peace.
The tensing of Alex's body as she stepped between her and an angry man: Safe.
Alex's red velvet jacket around her shoulders: Home.
Alex watching for every reaction and tentatively seeking out every feeling: That was the most important one of all. There wasn't a word good enough for that.
Everything was there. Clear and bold and as she replayed the moments in her head the pain numbed from her body. The hurt disappeared and the tears slowed. A second of clarity, before panic ripped through her body and forced her back to her feet. She shut off the water and wrapped a towel around her body, throwing open the bathroom door and stopping in her tracks as she took in what Anna was doing. Confusion and knowledge at the same time.
"Anna, what are you doing?" She asked weakly, taking in the sight on her bed.
"I'm going home, Em." She replied firmly, throwing clothes into her suitcase on the bed. "And you're going too." Her eyes were fierce and demanding.
Anna knew more than she gave her credit for. Part of her wanted to continue to deny this truth and this decision but she couldn't anymore. She knew Anna's plan for both of them even without her saying it. It was inevitable.
The door next to the office was unlocked and she slipped inside quietly, closing the door shut behind her and flipping on the light. Colors covered every wall with floor to ceiling racks showcasing costumes and gowns. Everything from leather to lace in every color imaginable. Bright indigo and emerald green, encrusted with sequins and diamonds. Sparkling glitters that refracted the light and casts rainbows on the walls. She shifted through boxes that lay stacked on the floor beneath the racks, pulling a smaller one out from the back and opening it up.
She reached her hand through the spools of different colored ribbon, retrieving a gold that shimmered with flecks of tiny crystal beading. Nothing was simple when it came to costume designs. Pretty much everything had some form of intricate detail even if it was slight. She pushed the box back and grabbed another, sliding off the lid and pulling out a handful of feathers and beads in the colors she was after, placing them carefully in her bag as she left the room. The hallway was still quiet with the sound of faint laughter from the party nearby. The further she walked towards the back of the train the more silent it became.
She passed through hallway after hallway of doors and carvings in the walls. First the kitchen and then the sleeping quarters for everyone else. The bedrooms were all the same size as hers and the only reason she was further to the front was to handle work and travel issues if they should arise. She needed to be accessible. Just another barrier between her and everyone else.
The next car she entered was the lounge. Deep purple replaced the red carpet and plush white velvet chaise chairs rested along the walls. It was one of her favorite rooms on the train because it was always empty and was also the last stop before the animals. The walls were the same rich wood halfway up and then turned into a deep purple woven wallpaper with carved crown molding along the ceiling. The space was open and bright during the day because of the larger windows draped in purple satin, though now it was only dimly lit by the crystal sconces on the walls. The silence in the room slowed her movement instantly as she pushed through the door into 12.
The light of the moon through the spaced windows reflected on the shiny steel walls, creating a blue light that bounced off particles of dust in the air and the black of his hair. It was warm and dry and as she watched Ember standing with his head bowed, sadness crept in. Pinching her lungs and stinging her eyes.
She swallowed hard and walked towards him slowly, careful not to startle him in any way. He shifted his weight slightly, acknowledging her presence as he lifted his head. She reached, letting her fingers slip lightly up his neck and into mane. He ducked his head, nudging into her shoulder as she ran her hand down his nose. He was so peaceful and warm and yet his eyes had a knowing look that told her that he was missing someone too. He was scared just like she was.
Dropping her hand to her side she stepped back, ignoring the burn in her eyes as she sat down on the straw floor. She pulled a small pocket knife from her bag and went to work with the gold ribbon. Cutting it in long strands and braiding it in on itself. Being careful to showcase the tiny glass beads as she twisted it into a long woven rope. Ember nudged her in the shoulder making her stop and look at him. His eyes were sad and pleading and she had to look away from him quickly to keep her blurry eyes under control. Focusing only on steps. Right ribbon over left ribbon over middle ribbon. He nudged her again. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek with her shoulder and continued the weakening movement of her fingers. Right over, left over...
Ember shifted his weight and bent his front legs. Laying down lightly on the hay beside her. She froze and glanced at him. He was watching her and the gold in her hands. She was too stunned by his actions to move just yet. Horses don't often lay down because they don't actually need to. Their legs lock while they stand to allow them to sleep without falling. But when they do lay down it can be a sign of illness or because they...
Tears fell steadily from her eyes now, clouding her vision completely as she leaned back into the steel wall for support. Letting her shoulders sink and her eyes fall closed. Trying her best to ignore the shaking in her hands.
...they lay down because they feel safe.
It took a few moments before her head was clear enough to open her eyes and even then it was a struggle when she looked at him, still watching her sadly. Reining herself in, she tied off the end of the braid then shifted herself up onto her knees. She reached lightly into his mane behind his ear and began braiding the gold into his hair, forming an intricate design of twists through the black silk and closing it off by wrapping the remaining ribbon into a tight knot at the end. She rested back onto her legs to look at her work. The gold caught the moonlight and sparkled against the black of his mane.
"I miss her too." She whispered, running her hand down his neck soothingly. She opened her bag and pulled out the final touches. Soft in her fingers and just the right shade. Gently she separated the coral feathers and worked them into the braid. Starting at the top and arranging them by size. Smaller and then getting bigger as she went. She tucked the biggest feather under the knot at the end and pulled her hands away to look at him again.
It was nothing as grand as the feather crown in the carving. It was detailed and simple at the same time. Effortlessly beautiful and flawless and impossible to look away from. Like Emily.
"I'm sorry it's pink but something tells me that you like it too."
The engine started and vibrated the floor beneath them. Ember shot to his feet and she followed him immediately, stroking his neck to keep him calm and steady even though her own panic was ripping through her body just as much. She swallowed the tightness in her throat as the train lurched forward at a quick-growing pace. Anxiety at the idea of the ground moving. Something she always found solace in. Not this time.
The tracks screeched and she stumbled into Ember as the train slammed to a halt just as quickly as it had started moving. The loud sound of metal hitting metal as the car buckled into the one before it. She braced herself against the steel wall as her shoulder cracked hard into the metal from the force, struggling to keep her footing as the straw on the floor rolled beneath her feet. Her heart pounded and Ember stamped nervously but she managed to keep one hand on him. She found her balance quickly and soothed him while she reached for the radio clipped on her back pocket. The second her fingers wrapped around it a beep sounded from its speaker. She pressed the button in automatically to silence it and brought it to her lips.
"What the hell was that?" She snapped.
She didn't want to startle him any further so she stepped away from Ember and pulled open the heavy side door, leaning out to look towards the front of the train. It was too dark to see further than a few cars up so she had no chance of seeing the engine. She held in the button and brought the radio to her lips again.
"Pete if I give you a fucking radio it would be great if you could actually use it."
Static sounded and a voice called over the line. One of the engineers.
"Alex, we have a problem up here!" His voice was urgent.
"Okay, I'm heading up from 12."
She turned to Ember before jumping down. He looked calmer now and hopefully she wouldn't be gone long anyways. Her feet landed soundly on the loose gravel and she turned, pulling hard on the heavy door and slid it closed. Somehow the breeze felt warmer than before as it brushed across her arms, blowing her now dry waves off of her shoulders as she walked quickly. She ducked her head down by each car that she passed, looking underneath for anything that was unusual and checking each coupling for damage. Her mind puzzled and annoyed that there was an issue somewhere. Everything always ran so smoothly until they had stopped in Clearfield.
When she drew closer to the Commons Car something made her stop. Laughter was still coming from inside along with the cracking of the pool balls. All of those things were normal, but the large shadow looming in front of the train was not. She squinted her eyes and picked up her pace into a steady jog. Her hair whipping around her face as the shadow grew closer and more clear. The shadow of a very familiar car bottomed out over the tracks and the ground that was completely torn apart.
Her heart stopped. Every feeling and every thought ripped from her at once. The ground was motionless beneath her feet and she heard nothing over the ringing in her ears. Nothing.
She forced herself around to the driver's side of the truck once the front door was closed, sliding into the seat and starting the engine. Her eyes flickered to the radio and "Earth Angel" repeated itself in her mind like a mantra that seemed to be taunting her incessantly. Rubbing the obvious in her face and picking at wounds that had begun to heal before her arrival back in Clearfield. Reminding her of why she had never come back before, why she kept herself away for so many years. She scolded herself for making the choice to come back now because she was so sure she had healed enough to be able to return and leave again without incident. Of course she couldn't have expected any of this but still, it was a reminder now and Pete was right. She was weak and being here was beyond foolish. Add that to the mantra, weak and foolish.
As she pulled into the fairgrounds she let the engine die, falling back heavily against the seat and letting her eyes close. They burned from finally being able to rest. She hadn't stopped moving all day and the stillness around her only made her more tense. If she was in any other state or even another town she would have found solace in the silence, but not here. Solace was never something she had been able to find in Clearfield. There had never really been a chance for her to truly find it and by the time she found the tiniest shred it was being shadowed by a nightmare of a girl.
She needed to be moving. She should be doing something to keep her mind away from Emily and the ruins that she was being forced to leave behind. Nothing good had come from the last few days. The girl she cared about was broken and she was on that path too. There was no way for her to protect what didn't belong to her in the first place.
That thought forced her to move again. She shifted and turned to grab her bag off the seat, dropping the keys inside and pulling the strap over her shoulder. A rustle on the seat beside her made her freeze. Her breath stopped short as her eyes fell on the paper with her writing. She snatched the check quickly and looked at it, letting her eyes fall on the top left corner. A sigh of sadness left her lips as pain ripped through her chest and her fingers ripped through the paper. Scattering all but one piece to the floor. Her cheeks burned as she choked back the tightening of her throat.
Immediately she threw the door open and kicked it shut. Beginning a determined pace towards the tents. Most of them had fallen and that was a shame. She needed the distraction. She needed anything to take her mind off of the paper in her hand. In fact, she needed the paper out of her hand.
She dropped the last piece of the check, letting it blow to the ground as she pushed on. Any distraction would work. Something involving a hammer or heavy lifting to keep her thoughts away from the fact that she was leaving a piece of herself behind. The worst thing about that thought? The part that hurt the most? It was watching the piece of the check fall knowing that it contained their only link to each other and that Emily had left it behind. The typed phone number below her name. Information that she hadn't even realized she had given her. Emily probably didn't realize it either but that wasn't the point. It was the universe telling her that leaving was the right thing and that coming here had been wrong. She had no right touching Emily when she had missed out on everything that had hurt her.
She stopped in her tracks as the Big Top fell to the ground before her eyes, revealing the silhouettes of the Pennsylvania hills in the distance. Just shadows in the night. If your eyes didn't know they were there you'd never see them. You had to know exactly where to focus your eyes and they'd appear. Black outlines of rolling hills against a lighter black sky. She knew exactly where to find Emily. The big gray house on a quiet street. Even knowing where she was didn't change that fact that she was unreachable. Just a shadow yet somehow Emily was still haloed in light.
Focus. Her skin burned as her body staggered. Even though she wasn't moving, the ground below her had other plans. She had to counter the movement with her own careful steps. The ground had never really been moving beneath her feet before. Not until now. Not until her.
Picking up a hammer from a tool box on the ground she walked the perimeter of the collapsed canvas, knocking the steel stakes from the ground. It took strength. They weren't the average ones used for camping and they had to be hit from all angles to loosen them from the packed dirt. It's a job usually left to the men because they were driven two feet into the ground and each one took a few minutes to get out. Luckily she was having an easy time channeling her strength at the moment, or what was left of it. The only thing that seemed to erase Emily from her mind was the vibration through her arm as the hammer hit metal.
"Emily?"
She opened her eyes slowly. There was a tightness around them from the dried tears and a slight stiffness from the wood of the banister digging into her back, but no pain where there should be. She hadn't fallen asleep, she had simply stopped feeling. An empty shell of the person she used to be without a reason to pick herself up. Her mind was so numb that the only thing she saw was the darkness of the stairwell. The only thing she heard was the deafening silence. Like being surrounded and held under a body of black water. Not needing to breathe because the natural craving for oxygen had vanished. She was suspended in nothingness. No feeling or thoughts...no pain. She couldn't feel sad or scared, and certainly not happy. She could remember enough to know that she had done nothing that entitled her to any of those feelings. She felt every sense of the word 'nothing'.
She didn't feel hot or cold, though slight movement in the air around her told her that something had changed. A tingle of air against her skin but an inability to react to it. Her body was heavy. Locked in place like the nights when you rest so uneasily on the edge of sleep, just knowing that any moment that feeling of falling will surface and startle you awake. There's nothing you can do to keep it from happening because you delude yourself into thinking that maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you'll be allowed to sleep without the anxiety and possibility of falling. Maybe this time you'll be spared and be finally able to rest peacefully. But then you fall again.
"Emily?"
Pay attention, Emily. Things are changing around you and nothing will be the same anymore. She swallowed weakly. It should hurt, but it didn't. She hadn't moved in so long. Hours, judging by the way the moonlight was two feet higher on the wall. What difference does time make when you're drowning? On any other day it would mean everything. Seconds could mean the difference between life and death. But time meant nothing now. It was lost. Evident in the way she barely noticed the rise and fall of her own chest, or the brush of warmth across her arm. Someone was touching her. So close to waking up. Focus Emily, you can't forget. Another voice beside her and another brush of warmth against her arm. Warm...not hot.
Heat...
Wake up Emily. The heat of velvet replacing her shiver from being cold. Heat moving across her back to soothe the wrenching of her stomach. Heat around her waist leading her home. Heat touching her cheek and grabbing her hand.
"Emily?" Anna whispered, sliding to the stair beside her. She knew the voice but she couldn't see her face.
Her eyes squeezed tightly shut as her tears poured over. Feeling snapping back into her body all at once. Overwhelming and strong. A desperate realization. A fire in her throat and a stabbing in her stomach. The chill against her skin and the wood floor beneath her. A painful cry sounding from someone nearby...from her?
Anna moved and wrapped her arms around her, holding her close. In all the years that Anna had been in her life it had been six years since she had seen her cry like this. One or two tears out of frustration didn't compare to the sound leaving her throat or the caving of her shoulders against the railing. The concern in Anna's eyes reflected the image of herself broken on the stairs.
"Em, it's okay." She soothed, rubbing her hand across her back. The only thing she could think of was how her hands weren't warm enough. Not as warm as... "What happened?" Anna asked, pulling away to look at her for an answer.
She choked on the air trying to work its way into her lungs. Sobs that were forcing air out but not allowing it in. The words just wouldn't come. She wrapped her arms across her chest and leaned into her bent knees in an upright fetal position, trying to hold pieces of herself together but failing as she watched them fall to the cold floor. She tried working herself into slower breaths but the first wave of air to hit her lungs made time stand still. A scent acting as fire in her throat and silencing her body. Freezing the cry in her throat and forcing her to hold her breath to stop the burn.
Heat from the vent in an old black truck that was heavily perfumed by...
She gasped and choked again, pulling away from Anna and using the banister to pull herself up. Her legs shaking beneath her body as she moved up the stairs. Anna reached for her but she pulled away, focusing carefully on the steps she needed to take on her own. The scent needed to leave her body. Her life was a mess because she had made it that way. Nobody else was responsible for her. Not Mia or Amy. Not Skyler or her parents or Aiden. Not Anna or Ember and certainly not...
You're almost there Emily... remember.
Her vision shifted around her. Various shapes and sizes of different people. Pulling canvas into piles and stacking crates. It was like one of those music videos where traffic blurred into a fast forwarded time-lapse and created a solid stream of light. Everything was running together and flashing by around her as she worked. Coming closer and then bleeding away into nothing.
Her legs were numb from the two hours of non-stop moving. A dull ache in her arms proving that at least she was still alive. That had to count for something. Or maybe it didn't. So many times since she had been here, her breath had been lost. Ripped from her lungs without her consent. And now it felt good to be panting and feeling the oxygen filling her lungs quickly. Expanding strongly in her chest.
Spotlights stood high off the ground. Casting enough light for everyone to see what they were doing. Safety first of course. The area around her was slowly returning to its original grassy field. She had paused to watch the strands of glass bulbs being wrapped into a tight coil and the deep red of the tent being folding in on itself. The bales of hay carried back to car 13 and the black truck being driven onto the ramp of car 16, the last car on the train. She always found that ironic because it was the last year she had spent in Clearfield. It seemed fitting that the train would end on the same number as the year her life had changed. Started over, so to speak.
Oh how far she had come since that day. She had thought about that outside of the bar. About how much she had grown. It was right in that moment and it made sense because she thought it was the truth. At least in her delusional world that she had created for herself. She should have known better than to believe it could stay that way. It all changed the second Emily walked out that door and she realized how lost she was. Seeing her pain undid everything inside her that thought she was strong enough to come back here. Her resolve was shattered instantly when she watched the flying pieces of trash hit the ground around Emily's feet.
Sighing, she dropped the hammer into a tool box and grabbed a bottle of water. The work had done a lot to distract her body but not to ease her mind. The only solace she found was that hopefully Emily would be sleeping peacefully as the train pulled down the tracks. Judging from the amount left to do. There was still a good two hours of work ahead of them if they took their time and she didn't intend to. Still there was time for a few more things before her body fell from exhaustion.
The walk back to the train was slower than she wanted but she was tired and each step pushed her further into the ground. Pretty much everything she was physically capable of doing was done. The only remaining things had to be done by the heavier lifters and it would take some time. She threw open the hatch to the train and climbed up, turning left down her familiar hallway and slipping into her bedroom. She pulled her radio from the belt of her black pants and unfastened the button on her white shirt. Well, it used to be white. Maybe jumping from Anna's car would have been okay after all. Not like it would have damaged the white cotton anymore than it was now. Grass stains, grease stains and dirt. Also some butter from the bag of popcorn she had taken time to shovel in her mouth on her thirty-second break. It was odd that there were stains on her shirt from that though, because she didn't recall using her hands at all. She tossed her clothing to the red carpet, ignoring the desire to pull the contract out of the back pocket to see the swirl in Emily's writing.
She turned her back to the pile and opened the small bathroom door. It was bigger than you'd think because the vanity stood outside of the bathroom door and gave extra space to already tight quarters. It was better to take a shower now because trying to take one while moving could be tricky. Nothing crazy as far as bumps or sharp turns, but just unsettling. Like the floor was shifting beneath you. Not much fun when naked and soapy and standing in a porcelain tub. What was more unsettling was how she had trained herself to only focus on the task at hand. A step by step process. Turn water on. Wait. Step in shower. Apply soap. Rinse. Don't listen to the voices in your head telling you that you're fucking things up. Don't listen to the voice telling you to sign this entire business over to someone else. Forget about doing the one thing you really want to do. Pass it off as impulsive behavior, something you used to be good at anyways. It should come naturally by now. Ignore the memory of Emily laughing. Ignore her sadness.
Yeah, that last one was the worst.
She stayed in the hot water until her body began to relax. The steam soothing the tension in her head and the dryness of her throat. Relaxing her sore muscles and clearing fog from her mind. And then the water turned to ice and all of those things came right back. Progress undone so quickly. She wrapped herself in a towel, red, seriously telling herself that she needed to change the color scheme on the train because red was now only reminding her of her jacket on Emily's shoulders. It suited her better. The color red...and sadly the jacket too. Maybe blue would be better for... No, not blue. Every color could find a way to remind her of Emily. Like the moonlight on raven hair or the rich wood on the walls that seemed to be burning into her like the warm brown of her eyes.
Goosebumps rose across her skin as the cooler air in her room mixed with the steam from the bathroom. She dried quickly and slipped into a pair of clean jeans, hugging tightly down her legs. She had a lot of jeans that fit this way because she was always wearing her boots. She slipped them on and pulled the zipper up her calf, then pulled her favorite deep blue v-neck t-shirt from a hanger. Her fingers brushed lightly against the crushed velvet, lingering too long.
"Alex?" A knock sounded at the door.
She pulled the shirt over her head and closed the closet, quickly grabbing a hair tie from the vanity counter, biting it between her teeth on her way to the door. Pete was leaning against the wall on the other side of the hall, a narrow two feet in width.
"Whathsup?" She mumbled. I lisp-like sound to her words because of the band that she held with her mouth. She began bunching her damp hair back into a sloppy pony-tail has he watched her in amusement for a moment. She raised her eyebrows impatiently before he started.
"You left your bag in the truck." He said, setting it by her feet. "They're finishing up out there and should be done in the next thirty minutes or so. Are you gonna hit the books?"
She pulled the tie from her teeth and wrapped it tightly around her hair. "Yeah just about to. Is that all that's left?"
"Uh, no we're still waiting on refueling and water so that might add another hour." She shook her head fervently.
"No, we should have enough of both to get to Charleston, right?" She asked. Pete just nodded in agreement. "Then we can get everything we need when we get there." Pete straightened himself off the wall.
"Yeah, okay. First things first though...hit the books." He smiled, turning down the hallway.
"You're supposed to be helpful!" She shouted. "Why can't you take half?"
He turned and started a backwards pace. "I have to go call and cancel the service trucks. And besides, It's your account Boss"
"You can have it!" Her words left her mouth without thinking. Pete was already through the door but it was too late because the damage had been done in her mind and anger was hovering too closely to her body.
She groaned in frustration, grabbing her radio and clipping it to her back pocket then bending to pick up her bag from the floor before leaving the room. The commons car was directly behind hers and as she approached the door she could hear the banter being shouted between everyone.
"Morrison!" They shouted as she entered.
They all sat around various tables and couches that lined the walls near the windows. It resembled a classy Victorian parlor with mahogany furnishings and just touches of western aesthetic, from the rustic leather sofas. A bar in one corner and a pool table in another. It wasn't used often. The pool table, not the bar. The bar was used daily. The table on the other hand sat a little close to the wall which made shooting tricky and everyone was so practiced that games were over too quickly. There was no challenge.
The group on the train wasn't as big as you'd think. Mostly performers and trainers and only a few workers. There were a good fifty workers outside yet only a few belonged to the team. All of the others were enlisted ahead of time from whatever town they would be stopping in. Kind of like a seasonal job. They'd come out and work for a few days, get paid and get left behind. It made for a more comfortable living environment in the already cramped quarters and saved money by not having to pay workers to sit on the train and not work. Every town also offered new talent that would line up just to play some small part in the show. An extra clown or mime or a vender at a table. Very rarely would a permanent performer be found. In fact the last and only time that it had happened since she had been a part of this...was 5 years ago. Mary.
There were thirty people on the train that were show-related. Ten of which were simply fillers for an act, extras so to speak. There were also five people who were for train purposes only. Engineers and maintenance. Gatherings in the Commons Car were rowdy but mostly only after shows. Days traveling were usually spent sleeping, but every now and then there would be a late night rumble in the kitchen over sugar or a dart competition that would send everyone dropping to the floor to avoid getting impaled.
"Victory shot!" Mary shouted, sliding a shot glass across the table. "Another town without incident." Everyone else cheered and clapped.
Her eyes locked with Pete's and at least he seemed to understand. He was the only one with a solemn look about him. Giving her a soft encouraging smile. Without incident...if they only knew.
Mary was one of three burlesque women. Faith and Sarah were the other two and they were often found chattering to each other excitedly about how they could improve their costumes. Mary on the other hand was tough on her own. She could hold liquor better than everyone on board and take down any one of them anytime. She joined 5 years ago at 25 when they had stopped in Albany and she had been her very own personal discovery. Mary was pure talent. All of the girls were. They could move their bodies in ways that were completely unnatural for even the above average person. Combine that with their voices and they became sirens beckoning men. Anyone that laid eyes on Mary would automatically be drawn to her...obvious assets, but they'd be missing out on her other traits. She's beautiful. A tall frame full of curves. Rich brown hair that flowed down her back and ice blue eyes. Unfortunately she was a fan of hugs once she had enough alcohol in her system. Hugs that often turned into choke holds. She was pretty sure, judging by the thin walls on the train, that Mary put on her fair share of private shows also.
She grabbed the glass from the table, weighing it heavily with her eyes. It was tradition before leaving a town that she christened their departure and often one shot turned into two which turned into waking up the next morning on top of the pool table in a pile of drool. Work wasn't done for her tonight though so it would have to be just the one. She shot it back quickly, vodka burning her throat.
"Amen!" Mary smiled, pouring a round for everyone else and sliding glasses across the table.
"Good shows guys!" She smiled, pushing through another door and leaving the party behind. The same red carpet and wooden walls. Three rooms on the left side and windows to the right. The first door was where she was headed and inside was a small office with a large wooden desk and filing cabinets. She grabbed her keys from her bag and unlocked the door, closing it behind her then flipping on a small lamp on the desk and dropping heavily into the upholstered chair.
She could still hear workers moving things around outside and she could feel the vibrations through the train as crates were loaded into the end cars. Using her key to unlock one of the drawers she pulled out a large black binder and a pen. Her logs for every person that had showed up to work for the last few days and a business sheet of checks. The one she had given Emily was personal. She shook her head lightly and began filling them out one by one as she went down the list of names. The payout amount ranging high three digits to lower four digits for two days of work. It was nonexistent at this point for her to ever have to worry about those numbers. Even without inheritance from four family members, the show paid for itself entirely with enough left over at the end of the year to buy several large homes. Over time and with each passing year the total would slowly rack up. It was another reason why she didn't hesitate to write Emily a check. There was no boundary to what she would have paid for Ember. He was Emily's.
After the checks had been filled out, all 46 of them, they were torn from the binder before she locked it back inside the drawer. Glancing at the world clock on the wall. The pacific time read just after 2 am. Emily had been home safe for over three hours and she was probably sleeping soundly. She would probably be lost completely in the unlimited possibilities of her mind as the train pulled away, leaving Clearfield behind. She pulled the pony-tail from her hair and loosened the long waves between her fingers. Separating the curls and relieving some of the tension. Her head hurt all of a sudden.
She swallowed back the trapped air in her throat and gathered the checks, leaving the room and locking the door behind her. Pete was talking on his phone in the Commons Car. He looked up as she approached, taking the checks off of her hands and standing up to deliver them.
She passed Mary and the others, now dealing cards across the table and placing bets on articles of clothing. Most were already missing jackets and shoes, several were down to just their pants. Mary on the other hand had managed to gain a sweater around her shoulders and a newspaper boy hat that sat lopsided on her head. Such a hustler for someone who detested clothing in general.
Once she pushed through the door into her quiet hallway she tried to focus on easy breaths. It was hard, impossible even. As long as the train continued to sit still on the tracks an uneasiness in her stomach would continue to weigh her down. The sadness and the loss for a person that she never had.
She stopped by her door hesitantly. A pulling at her body to look at the horse carving on the wall. She inched closer, tracing her finger over it lightly where Emily had touched earlier. Maybe if she looked close enough she could find a fingerprint or catch a whiff of her skin. Nothing was there. Just the warm colored wood that was cold beneath her fingertips. She stared at the crown and feather on the stallion's head for a moment then dropped her hand. Turning her body around and heading away from her room, towards the back of the train.
She flipped on the light in her bedroom and opened the top drawer of her dresser. Pulling out clean shorts and a tank top. Anna was right behind her. Glancing at her nightstand clock she learned that she had been on the stairs for almost three hours and yet she couldn't remember a second of it. It was just after 2 am now and her body ached from being cold and tired. The scent on her dress felt like fire in her lungs and it very well could have been. It hurt just the same.
"Em, talk to me." Anna pleaded.
She froze and looked sheepishly down, avoiding Anna's prying eyes.
"It's been a long day, Anna. I'm cold and I'm tired and I just want to take a shower and go to bed." Anna sighed and shook her head.
"Don't lie to me Emily. I'm not as dense as you think I am and contrary to popular belief, hair color is not always a factor." Anna’s voice remained soft.
"I don't want to talk about it okay? Not tonight and maybe not ever." She whispered.
"Did she..." Anna started. Emily lifted a hand. Pain cut through her body. An endless cycle picking at her flesh and rubbing salt into new wounds. The scent brought the image of a face and the image brought...pain. It was a whole new level of hurt.
You're so close. Don't forget the details. They aren't small. Her mind became detached completely as numbness worked through her veins again. Details Emily...details.
"She drove me home. She didn't try anything. She wasn't rude and she didn't overstep boundaries. Just drop it." Her voice sounded foreign now. Distant and empty. Her body became agitated as the burning in her throat raged on. She didn't want to stand here and listen to Anna point fingers of blame at someone who had done nothing wrong. If Anna wanted to be mad at anyone it should be her, not...
She turned towards the bathroom with clean clothes in her hands.
"Em, that's not what I was gonna say!" Anna's voice was cut off by the slamming of the bathroom door and the clicking of the lock.
This shouldn't hurt so much. This nameless face played such a vague role in her past and she had only been near her for one day. None of it made sense and at the same time it all felt right. Maybe it was just because she had been alone for so many years and the attention was a fresh change.
No, even that made no sense. There had been girls before over the last several years that had attempted to pay attention to her but they had been faded and blurry in the distance. Moving at fast pace around her while she remained frozen in place. The way movies show a girl sitting at the bar alone. Drowning in a ringing silence as everyone around her continued to move forward. Finally giving up the hope that she would smile back.
She turned on the shower and stripped her body of the dress, stepping under the stream of hot water. At least she assumed by the steam in the air that it was hot, because she couldn't really feel it. Musk reached her nose, floral and spice, caving her lungs and buckling her knees beneath her. Making her arms brace against the tile wall as she fell weakly to the cold porcelain. Falling twice today was enough, but three times? First with Ember in the stables, then on the stairs from the fading of the truck in the distance and the plain emptiness of being alone. Now this...this was...all of the details surrounding that truck driving away. The stairs and this moment were caused by the same truth and her mind was failing to protect her from it because of that scent.
There was no separating the heat of her tears from the hot water. There was no barrier and there was no break from the onslaught this time. There was no morphine from her mind to coat the searing in her veins and no way to slow her breathing. The air slammed hard from her chest like a wall smashing into her stomach. Breaking every bone in her body in the process and forcing her down. She was raw and exposed. Torn open completely by the scent being washed down the drain. She prayed for the numbness to return to her body. To cloud her mind and paralyze her again. The hours on the stairs seemed like a dream compared to this. It had been her mind's way of shutting down completely and protecting herself from the pain. She wanted that to happen now because she could feel absolutely everything. She couldn't stop the images from lingering before her eyes. It was like a projector casting pictures on the tile wall and bringing out everything she had felt in that moment. Finally every detail of the truth she was refusing to see.
Alex.
Alex leaning into her to look at the circus flyer in her hands and the challenge in her soft voice: Breathless.
The waitress of the bar brushing her fingers across the heat she knew to be Alex's hand: Jealousy.
Watching Alex smile as she walked away from her porch and faded into the night: Hope.
The moment the spotlight appeared above Alex's head and lit up the glow of her skin: Desire.
How Alex stilled the shaking of her hands and knew exactly what she was asking of her without the need for words: Trust.
When Alex touched Ember and he followed without doubt: Peace.
The tensing of Alex's body as she stepped between her and an angry man: Safe.
Alex's red velvet jacket around her shoulders: Home.
Alex watching for every reaction and tentatively seeking out every feeling: That was the most important one of all. There wasn't a word good enough for that.
Everything was there. Clear and bold and as she replayed the moments in her head the pain numbed from her body. The hurt disappeared and the tears slowed. A second of clarity, before panic ripped through her body and forced her back to her feet. She shut off the water and wrapped a towel around her body, throwing open the bathroom door and stopping in her tracks as she took in what Anna was doing. Confusion and knowledge at the same time.
"Anna, what are you doing?" She asked weakly, taking in the sight on her bed.
"I'm going home, Em." She replied firmly, throwing clothes into her suitcase on the bed. "And you're going too." Her eyes were fierce and demanding.
Anna knew more than she gave her credit for. Part of her wanted to continue to deny this truth and this decision but she couldn't anymore. She knew Anna's plan for both of them even without her saying it. It was inevitable.
The door next to the office was unlocked and she slipped inside quietly, closing the door shut behind her and flipping on the light. Colors covered every wall with floor to ceiling racks showcasing costumes and gowns. Everything from leather to lace in every color imaginable. Bright indigo and emerald green, encrusted with sequins and diamonds. Sparkling glitters that refracted the light and casts rainbows on the walls. She shifted through boxes that lay stacked on the floor beneath the racks, pulling a smaller one out from the back and opening it up.
She reached her hand through the spools of different colored ribbon, retrieving a gold that shimmered with flecks of tiny crystal beading. Nothing was simple when it came to costume designs. Pretty much everything had some form of intricate detail even if it was slight. She pushed the box back and grabbed another, sliding off the lid and pulling out a handful of feathers and beads in the colors she was after, placing them carefully in her bag as she left the room. The hallway was still quiet with the sound of faint laughter from the party nearby. The further she walked towards the back of the train the more silent it became.
She passed through hallway after hallway of doors and carvings in the walls. First the kitchen and then the sleeping quarters for everyone else. The bedrooms were all the same size as hers and the only reason she was further to the front was to handle work and travel issues if they should arise. She needed to be accessible. Just another barrier between her and everyone else.
The next car she entered was the lounge. Deep purple replaced the red carpet and plush white velvet chaise chairs rested along the walls. It was one of her favorite rooms on the train because it was always empty and was also the last stop before the animals. The walls were the same rich wood halfway up and then turned into a deep purple woven wallpaper with carved crown molding along the ceiling. The space was open and bright during the day because of the larger windows draped in purple satin, though now it was only dimly lit by the crystal sconces on the walls. The silence in the room slowed her movement instantly as she pushed through the door into 12.
The light of the moon through the spaced windows reflected on the shiny steel walls, creating a blue light that bounced off particles of dust in the air and the black of his hair. It was warm and dry and as she watched Ember standing with his head bowed, sadness crept in. Pinching her lungs and stinging her eyes.
She swallowed hard and walked towards him slowly, careful not to startle him in any way. He shifted his weight slightly, acknowledging her presence as he lifted his head. She reached, letting her fingers slip lightly up his neck and into mane. He ducked his head, nudging into her shoulder as she ran her hand down his nose. He was so peaceful and warm and yet his eyes had a knowing look that told her that he was missing someone too. He was scared just like she was.
Dropping her hand to her side she stepped back, ignoring the burn in her eyes as she sat down on the straw floor. She pulled a small pocket knife from her bag and went to work with the gold ribbon. Cutting it in long strands and braiding it in on itself. Being careful to showcase the tiny glass beads as she twisted it into a long woven rope. Ember nudged her in the shoulder making her stop and look at him. His eyes were sad and pleading and she had to look away from him quickly to keep her blurry eyes under control. Focusing only on steps. Right ribbon over left ribbon over middle ribbon. He nudged her again. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek with her shoulder and continued the weakening movement of her fingers. Right over, left over...
Ember shifted his weight and bent his front legs. Laying down lightly on the hay beside her. She froze and glanced at him. He was watching her and the gold in her hands. She was too stunned by his actions to move just yet. Horses don't often lay down because they don't actually need to. Their legs lock while they stand to allow them to sleep without falling. But when they do lay down it can be a sign of illness or because they...
Tears fell steadily from her eyes now, clouding her vision completely as she leaned back into the steel wall for support. Letting her shoulders sink and her eyes fall closed. Trying her best to ignore the shaking in her hands.
...they lay down because they feel safe.
It took a few moments before her head was clear enough to open her eyes and even then it was a struggle when she looked at him, still watching her sadly. Reining herself in, she tied off the end of the braid then shifted herself up onto her knees. She reached lightly into his mane behind his ear and began braiding the gold into his hair, forming an intricate design of twists through the black silk and closing it off by wrapping the remaining ribbon into a tight knot at the end. She rested back onto her legs to look at her work. The gold caught the moonlight and sparkled against the black of his mane.
"I miss her too." She whispered, running her hand down his neck soothingly. She opened her bag and pulled out the final touches. Soft in her fingers and just the right shade. Gently she separated the coral feathers and worked them into the braid. Starting at the top and arranging them by size. Smaller and then getting bigger as she went. She tucked the biggest feather under the knot at the end and pulled her hands away to look at him again.
It was nothing as grand as the feather crown in the carving. It was detailed and simple at the same time. Effortlessly beautiful and flawless and impossible to look away from. Like Emily.
"I'm sorry it's pink but something tells me that you like it too."
The engine started and vibrated the floor beneath them. Ember shot to his feet and she followed him immediately, stroking his neck to keep him calm and steady even though her own panic was ripping through her body just as much. She swallowed the tightness in her throat as the train lurched forward at a quick-growing pace. Anxiety at the idea of the ground moving. Something she always found solace in. Not this time.
The tracks screeched and she stumbled into Ember as the train slammed to a halt just as quickly as it had started moving. The loud sound of metal hitting metal as the car buckled into the one before it. She braced herself against the steel wall as her shoulder cracked hard into the metal from the force, struggling to keep her footing as the straw on the floor rolled beneath her feet. Her heart pounded and Ember stamped nervously but she managed to keep one hand on him. She found her balance quickly and soothed him while she reached for the radio clipped on her back pocket. The second her fingers wrapped around it a beep sounded from its speaker. She pressed the button in automatically to silence it and brought it to her lips.
"What the hell was that?" She snapped.
She didn't want to startle him any further so she stepped away from Ember and pulled open the heavy side door, leaning out to look towards the front of the train. It was too dark to see further than a few cars up so she had no chance of seeing the engine. She held in the button and brought the radio to her lips again.
"Pete if I give you a fucking radio it would be great if you could actually use it."
Static sounded and a voice called over the line. One of the engineers.
"Alex, we have a problem up here!" His voice was urgent.
"Okay, I'm heading up from 12."
She turned to Ember before jumping down. He looked calmer now and hopefully she wouldn't be gone long anyways. Her feet landed soundly on the loose gravel and she turned, pulling hard on the heavy door and slid it closed. Somehow the breeze felt warmer than before as it brushed across her arms, blowing her now dry waves off of her shoulders as she walked quickly. She ducked her head down by each car that she passed, looking underneath for anything that was unusual and checking each coupling for damage. Her mind puzzled and annoyed that there was an issue somewhere. Everything always ran so smoothly until they had stopped in Clearfield.
When she drew closer to the Commons Car something made her stop. Laughter was still coming from inside along with the cracking of the pool balls. All of those things were normal, but the large shadow looming in front of the train was not. She squinted her eyes and picked up her pace into a steady jog. Her hair whipping around her face as the shadow grew closer and more clear. The shadow of a very familiar car bottomed out over the tracks and the ground that was completely torn apart.
Her heart stopped. Every feeling and every thought ripped from her at once. The ground was motionless beneath her feet and she heard nothing over the ringing in her ears. Nothing.
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