Circus Story Chapter 6
Chapter 6:
Seconds ticked by. For all she knew it could have easily been hours. Like the ground was pushing her in reverse even though she pushed forward.
She saw Pete and a few of the maintenance guys crowding around the vehicle. They were blocking her and keeping her from seeing the scene. Her pulse hammered in her veins as she ran closer. A stabbing in her lungs and a heavy confusion in her mind...a fear. Yet even with those feelings she was somehow incapable putting pieces together. Everything was moving slowly around her and keeping her from making sense of what was going on. None of it made sense.
As she got closer Pete turned, hearing her approach. His eyes were soft and hesitant, waiting for a reaction from her for whatever was happening. He stepped aside to make room and allowed her eyes to fall on Anna's car laying over the tracks. She could see the tire marks in the grass leading up to them and the gravel was thrown from the ground exposing the wet dirt below. By how much the ground was destroyed it was easy to say that the car was going considerably fast before locking on the brakes. She swallowed hard as her hands began to shake, forcing herself to focus.
Focus.
Her eyes moved to find Anna sitting on the hood and she looked okay. The pieces came together quickly when she became lost in the sight of the girl leaning on the car beside her.
Emily.
She watched Anna continue to throw clothing in the suitcase. It took a few minutes for her to admit what was happening but she didn't fight it for a second. Anna was her best friend and nothing had been lost on her. She found movement in her legs and walked back to the bathroom to trade the damp towel for the bra and underwear that she left in there during her panic. Then she walked to the closet and exchanged the flannel shorts she had picked for a pair of jeans and a white long sleeve thermal, slipping her tall stable boots over her feet.
She followed Anna's lead silently and began pulling clothing from hangers. Shirts mostly and a few other things. Jeans from the top shelf. Her fingers brushed against crushed velvet and made her freeze, hesitating for a moment before she gripped the fabric tightly and pulled it from a hanger. A scarf, deep red and so soft. She ran her fingers over it lightly and draped it around her shoulders as she carried her armful of clothing to the bed and began packing them into the suitcase. Touching the velvet only made time more urgent and helped move her body faster. Anna was silent and determined. It wasn't until three suitcases were packed that she spoke.
"Okay, well let's go." She smiled and grabbed a bag, moving towards the door.
"Anna, I'm sorry about snapping at you..." She felt her eyes sting but her words were cut off by Anna's arms wrapping around her. She returned the embrace, squeezing her tightly and burying her face in the familiar scent of strawberry in her hair. It had never changed over the years and neither had Anna. She had always been there for her. Always constant.
Anna pulled away to look at her. "You were right." She admitted. "I doubted her intentions for walking you home and I shouldn't have... so you have every right to think that I was gonna do it again."
She nodded lightly, accepting the sincerity without hesitation. "What were you gonna say...before?"
Anna sighed. She looked defeated and that wasn't normal for her. "I wanted to know if she had said anything to you, or.."
"Anna, what do you think she would have said? I mean...if you weren't suggesting that she crossed a line or.."
Anna sighed again. "In the car when you were riding and just took off like a crazy person, which by the way 'crazy' doesn't look good on you.."
She sighed impatiently. "And I can tell you honestly right now that it doesn't look good on you either."
Anna frowned. "I was trying to stay close and she told me that I should trust you more."
"Alex told you to stay back?" She asked, trying to clarify the thoughts in her head that were twisted together. When Anna nodded they slowly began to unravel. She thought Anna was trusting her and that Anna knew what she was doing. It was Alex.
"Yeah, and then I asked if she liked you and her cheeks looked like that stupid sexy jacket but she wouldn't say it. She just told me to be there for you and I thought maybe she said something."
Flames were growing in her veins now, like a lit river of fuel snaking its way through her body. Alex hadn't told her anything. She was close while staying distant. Caring and cautious. When Alex said she needed to leave not one part of her doubted it was the truth and that's probably because it was the truth. But maybe it was for other reasons. Maybe it ran deeper then just wanting to be out of this town.
"Can we go?" She breathed, trying to hide the sting in her eyes and the anxious shaking in her hands. She clenched her fists in her pockets but quickly pulled them back out. Alex did that.
Anna's eyes glazed over but she nodded and choked it back, turning to grab the suitcase again. She followed Anna’s lead quickly, throwing her purse over her shoulder and grabbing the other two bags before carefully working her way down the stairs. She dropped the bags by the door and turned to the rest of the house. Quickly she walked down the hall, flipping the thermostat off on the wall and taking a moment to glance into the kitchen. All of the memories here of her mom cooking while she sat on the counter and nibbled on ingredients. Green bell peppers for spaghetti or chocolate chips for cookies. Those memories were so far away now. They didn't even seem to belong to her anymore.
She backed out of the kitchen and picked up the suitcases. Anna was already loading the other into the trunk and after one last glance into the darkness of the house she closed the door and locked it behind her. She bent down and pulled the spare key from under a tight piece of molding beside the door, nearly forgetting that it was there. Anna should have it. She turned from the door and walked down the stairs of the porch, sighing as the familiar creak sounded from the bottom step.
The night felt warmer and as she turned to look at the big grey house it felt unreal. All of the sudden it wasn't so familiar anymore. Just an empty house that could easily sit on any other street in any other town. Nothing hurt about seeing it and there was no pain in leaving it behind. It hadn't been home in so long.
Once she had loaded the suitcases in the car she slid into the passenger seat beside Anna. "They might be gone already." She mumbled, butterflies forming in her stomach and a trembling beneath her skin.
"Well, then we find out where they're going next." Anna said surely.
"Charleston." She said automatically and she smiled lightly. Just a hint of pride and even more relief that she had asked Alex for that information.
"Nice!" Anna nodded, impressed. "I have that circus song on my iPod and we can play it on a loop!" She flipped on the headlights and backed out of the driveway, starting down the dark street. "But Em, can you promise me something?"
She nodded instantly. "Yeah of course." she breathed. The trembling in her body made her voice feel weak.
"This better not be like that 'we bought a zoo' shit. But you know...with a circus." She clarified. "Because I saw that movie and the damn tiger died." Anna's eyes were so serious that it made her smile.
"First of all I don't have enough money to buy a circus or a zoo and I'm sure the tigers won't die just by me being around. At least I hope not." She smiled.
Anna raises her eyebrows. "You laugh but if you distract a certain person and that certain person forgets to feed them.."
"Your reasoning is seriously questionable." She smiles.
Anna rolls her eyes. "God, you even sound like her. Why does everyone think I'm questionable? You two hijacked a horse!"
"What do you mean I sound like her?" She studies Anna, confused about what she is referring to. Then again there were many times when Anna didn't make sense.
"Nothing."
She shook her head to clear it. Trying to make sense of what Anna was saying. "Okay you're making no sense right now."
Anna nodded her head like she was proving a point. "Just don't get the tigers killed. They already got bumped from the show for Alex's nude dance number and I don't think they'd survive if they starved to death."
"You're right, because they'd already be dead from starving to death." She shook her head and laughed at the direction of this conversation. If she didn't need Anna to get her to their destination she would probably consider jumping from the car and sparing herself.
"And there's the witty sarcasm." Anna mumbled.
Her skin flushed when she thought harder about what Anna was saying. A blush on her cheeks and fire in her veins when she focused on how different she felt suddenly. How much stronger she felt. It was all about making the decision and once her mind was made up...everything shifted. Everything became clear. Full of clean lines and bright colors of reds and blues. No more shadows or feelings of emptiness. Alex made her feel like that. Alex made her feel stronger and now everything Anna was saying was right. She was changed by this girl in such a short amount of time and it was scary and liberating. She ran her fingers across the velvet around her neck. Beautiful and bold against the white of her shirt.
"Hell yes!" Anna shouted, slapping her hand on the steering wheel and snapping her from her thoughts. She looked at Anna curiously.
"What?" She asked, scooting up in her seat.
They were approaching the fairgrounds and Anna was pointing her finger to the windshield. She squinted her eyes and looked ahead of them. It was barely visible in the darkness but definitely there. The moonlight was reflecting off the steel of the train in the distance. Her heart raced and the shaking in her body increased. So did the butterflies in her stomach. She was so close.
She pulled her seat belt off as Anna approached a parking space in the lot, immediately putting it back on when the car failed to slow down and missed the space completely.
"What are you doing?" She snapped. Anna pressed the gas pedal to the floor with a loud thud.
The car skidded slightly as the pavement changed into field. The tires trying to grip the ground, but it was difficult from the high-speed.
"Anna!" She snapped.
"What? Do you want to park? Hold hands and skip over singing show tunes? Because I promise you that you'll be watching the train leave before we're even halfway across this field."
She watched the speedometer climb higher, adrenaline coursing through her body and clearly through Anna as well judging by the smile on her lips.
"Are you crazy?"
Steam pillowed from the engine now as the car closed in. Only a hundred yards away.
"Anna stop!" She shouted, eyeing the emergency brake in the center console.
Anna ignored her, steering towards the tracks in front of the train. The ground softened beneath the tires as she skidded into the gravel. She braced herself as the train lurched forward just as the tires plowed over the steel rails. Anna stomped on the brakes hard and her eyes slammed shut as the sound of screeching metal coming from the train sending vibration through the car.
Everything went silent.
"Holy shit!" Anna panted
She opened her eyes slowly. The butterflies in her stomach had flown coop, probably to safety and away from the possibility of being pulverized by a train. The shaking in her body had increased tenfold though and the air leaving her lungs was ragged as she looked at Anna and the train stopped three feet from her door.
"You should not be driving!" She yelled.
"Yeah circus girl already pointed that out too!" Anna shot back.
She groaned and pulled her seat-belt off, throwing open the door and climbing out. Anna followed immediately.
"What the hell was your back up plan?" She shouted, glaring at Anna over the roof of the car.
Anna slammed her door and shrugged her shoulders. "Gap insurance!" She retorted, shaking her head like it should be obvious.
Of course Anna's back up plan would be the destruction of her Prius. It was the third one she'd been through in seven years.
"You know you should really look into getting a Hummer."
"Ew no! Do you want me to kill the planet?" Anna shook her head in disgust.
"No, I don't want you to kill us!" she clarified. "Look at the grass Anna, your car already killed part of the planet!"
Anna squinted her eyes in the darkness as she looked at the grass torn from the ground. "Damn, it's supposed to be environmentally friendly." Anna pouted.
"It is! You're not!" She shot back slamming the car door.
"What the hell are you guys doing? Do you have a death wish?"
They jumped and turned to see a large grisly of a man climbing down from the engine side rail, followed by three others. The only light they had was emitting from the headlights of the car. As her eyes adjusted she recognized one of the men as Pete. The other two were possibly workers for the train judging by their coveralls and tool belts. She swallowed hard as they approached and not because she was intimidated or scared. Well, maybe scared but only because it was sinking in that Alex was nearby. Her eyes darted around behind the men, hoping to see her appear but also afraid that this was just another bad idea. Worried that she would be upset by the stunt they had just pulled.
"What are you doing?" the man snapped again
Anna sighed and started ticking off a list on her fingers. "I decided this would be the perfect spot to bird watch. I wanted to drag race a train. I would love a new car, and apparently I'm a bad driver!" Anna hardened her eyes, sliding on to the hood.
They looked at her in confusion for a few seconds, except Pete. Pete's eyes were only on her. His attention wasn't even phased by Anna. He was amused, yes, but something about him also seemed relieved, and he quietly watched.
"You need to get your car out of here, we're running late already." The engineer snapped.
"Then moved it!" Anna urged, crossing her arms over her chest and making herself comfortable.
She walked around the car to Anna's side and leaned on the car beside her. Her nerves a jumbled wreck in her stomach but the least she could do was put on a brave front.
The man turned to Pete for backup, but he was still watching her, with a slight smile tugging at his lips.
"Can you call Morrison and get her up here?" The engineer asked. Pete shook his head firmly but smiled as the radio in his back pocket began to beep.
"Looks like she's already ahead of you." Pete smiled, handing his radio to the engineer. "And I'm not touching this one."
Her breath hitched as she heard snippets of Alex's voice break through the speaker. She couldn't make out the words but the tone of her voice didn't sound happy.
"Alex, we have a problem up here!" The engineer's voice was irritated and pressing. Static sounded for a second.
"Okay, I'm heading up from 12." A voice answered through the speaker.
Her pulse hammered. She heard the words that time. Blood racing through her body from hearing her voice and her palms began to sweat. Something else though too. A warmth across her skin and pulling at her chest when she heard Alex say where she was. She was with Ember.
Anna picked at the purple nail polish on her nails as they stood silently by. A standoff between them as nobody made a move to back down. She looked at Anna who seemed perfectly content to stay there indefinitely, then she looked at Pete who had his arms crossed and relaxed over his chest, kicking his foot lightly into the gravel. She watched as he turned to look behind him, hearing footsteps approaching quickly. He stepped aside to make room and her whole body tensed. Her breathing stopped completely as Alex ran up beside him.
She stared, noting the rise and fall of Alex’s chest and pink of her cheeks. Her long waves whipped from her shoulders. The silence was deafening as she took in the scene, starting with the tire tracks on the ground. She watched the worry pass through her eyes and a knife stabbed into her when she saw fear and pain surface. Alex's eyes glided slowly over the car, moving closer, searching for something. So many emotions flickering in her eyes that it was heart wrenching to watch, yet she couldn't bring herself to move or speak. Her body weighed her down and pressed her into the hood of the car. Everything stopped and changed the instant Alex finally found her. The fear was gone and replaced by the exhale of her lungs and a relief in her eyes. Seconds ticked by slowly.
Emily was here. Everything clicked in her mind as she saw the desperation in Emily's eyes. Everything made sense and yet she couldn't wrap her mind around it because at the same time...none of it made sense. Everything she was seeing was conflicting so quickly with what she knew to be logical. Emily wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be safe at home sleeping and dreaming and moving on. Focusing on doing what she needed to do to regain control of her life...but not here.
She swallowed the dryness in her throat and turned to Pete. "Can you give us a minute?" He nodded and called the other guys back as she looked at Anna now. "Anna, do you still want to see the tigers?"
Her face lit up as she squealed and jumped from the hood of the car. "Hell yeah!"
Pete waited patiently for her to catch up to his side as Anna gave him a sideways glance.
"I have a stun gun in my purse, just so you know." She smiled.
He nodded and turned back to roll his eyes. Giving her a silent sarcastic 'thank you' before leading Anna away.
She kept her distance from Emily until they were left in silence and even then it took a moment for her to find movement and words, but their eyes never left each other.
"Emily, what are you doing?" She breathed.
Her voice may have been too soft for her to even hear, but when her eyes melted at her words she knew exactly what Emily was thinking. She was being flooded from the inside out with overwhelming feelings that continued to collide in a battle for dominance. The step by step plan wasn't working anymore. It failed her the second Ember had nudged her shoulder and if she was being honest with herself it had failed her the second she saw Emily standing outside of the bar with her picture in her hands. The pain she felt when she was forced to drive away from her and knowing that she wasn't really ever planning on coming back. She had cemented that decision the second she had opened the truck door on her own. It was innocent but it was a reminder that she wasn't needed here.
Emily stepped forward, closing the gap. Her hands were trembling slightly and her first instinct was to reach out and calm them like she had before. She shoved her hands into her front pockets instead as she waited for Emily to speak. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully for a moment until they finally started pouring out like an open flood gate.
"When I saw your picture on the flyer I recognized you. I didn't know you when you lived here and for some reason I felt like I should have. Like I missed out on knowing you. Everyone around you in the bar was happy to be around you and it was so easy to see why. You were worried about me enough to voice your concerns to Anna and you don't even really know me. You took Ember for me without hesitating. You knew what I needed without having to ask and you made me smile and laugh and those are things I haven't done in a really long time."
Emily's eyes glistened and her voice was struggling to fight back the tears. Refusing to grant them permission to fall. A fierceness and determination in her eyes that was like nothing she had seen there before. Something had changed in Emily. Something strong and ground breaking in her life. She was still lost but the change in her made every difference. Like she was holding a flashlight now as she worked her way through the dark. Emily couldn't see where she was going before, but she could now and as her voice became more urgent she moved closer.
"I've fallen apart. My life is a mess and I thought it couldn't get worse. I thought it couldn't get worse than giving away the only happiness I have left. I've watched friends move on without me, I've watched my family move on and I've lost people that I love... but giving him away was hard because he's the only thing that has held me together after all of it. And then after you dropped me off it hit me that he was gone. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to because I knew he would be okay with you. It didn't hurt because I trust you to take care of him. It hurt more knowing that he would get to be around you and I wouldn't."
She reached then, grabbing Emily's hand to still the shaking but all too quickly she pulled away. A fight raging within her as she watched Emily change before her eyes. She didn't see Emily leaning into her as she walked her home. She didn't see her sitting broken beside her on a bale of hay. She saw a glimpse of her standing on her own.
"The only thing I know, the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to be around you. I don't know what it means or anything past right now but for the first time in six years...I really want something." Emily took a deep breath, hugging her arms around her chest as she looked at her, waiting.
"Okay." She breathed.
Just Emily being here was surreal. Learning that she was responsible for being the person to help pull Emily back to her feet, even unintentionally, was something all on its own. She thought she'd hurt Emily by coming back here but in reality she had given her a reason to save herself and just hearing her say it made her decision come easily. Pete was more than fit to take over from here on out, and it had crossed her mind before.
"I'll stay." She added, keeping her hands away from Emily this time and watching as her eyes changed. They lost their strength and luster immediately.
"No." Emily said lightly, shaking her head. "No that's not what I'm asking."
"Emily, you asked me if I liked all of this. I do. I'm completely loyal to it but if you want me..."
"I want to come with you." Emily breathed. "I can't keep Ember here and I can't send him away if you're not there. I also can't let you just leave so please, you have to let me come with you."
She waited as Alex's head tilted back, her eyes looking to the dark sky. She knew the second her mind had unlocked and forced the images of Alex in front of her eyes that something was going to change. Something had already changed; she had just been trying to stifle it. And the moment she saw Anna packing she realized that she hadn't been fooling anyone but herself. She shifted her eyes to the ground, digging her boot lightly into the wood beam of the track, counting each beat of her heart that sounded loudly in her ears as minutes passed too slowly.
"We should go check on Anna." Alex whispered. She looked up to see that Alex’s eyes were back on her, studying her face. Her head spun uneasily from the change of subject. It was disheartening and confusing and knocked the air from her lungs. She swallowed hard and nodded.
"What about the car?" She asked. Alex looked at it and smiled lightly.
"I already told Anna she shouldn't be driving. I'll have the guys push it back." Alex turned slightly and waited for her to follow, allowing a slow pace beside her as they walked down the side of the tracks past the engine and the car she remembered to house Alex's room. Laughter began filtering through the windows of the next car and Alex stopped quickly by the door. Listening.
"Oh great." She sighed. A flicker of amusement buried deep under a layer of hesitancy.
"What?" She asked, looking between Alex and the car door.
"You'll see." Alex smiled, pulling open the door and holding it for her. The gesture made her heart race after having denied it the last time.
She grabbed the bar and pulled herself up. Alex was right behind her and she couldn't help but feel disappointed when she didn't touch her. A nagging of confusion pulling her in different directions. She knew what she wanted but she didn't stop to think that maybe it wasn't the same thing Alex wanted. She pushed it back though because all that mattered was that she knew. It didn't matter because once that decision had been made in her mind it couldn't be ignored. She wouldn't let it disappear and she couldn't go back to what her life had been for the last six years because her life had been the epitome of nothing.
Those thoughts vanished quickly as she turned a corner into a room that looked like a common area. Plush leather couches, a bar and tables. She recognized Pete again sitting on a couch talking with a guy that instantly pushed her mind back to the night at the bar. He had the same tight black shirt and a giant snake tattoo running down the length of his arm and a series of others that she couldn't make out. Not an alcohol induced illusion, still quite possibly a lifelong regret.
The room was crowded but a familiar voice caught her attention and held it instantly.
"Seriously, I'm gonna need those back!"
She followed the voice to a large crowded table and spotted Anna with a handful of cards. It took a moment for her to realize what was going on but it clicked quickly as Alex edged around her with a smirk on her lips. She watched her walk over to Pete and hunch down to talk to him before she brought her eyes back to Anna. Her jacket was missing and she had just handed over her heels to a girl wearing only tight jeans and a satin violet bra that was barely holding in her...
"Uh, Anna?" She called, walking to her side. Anna looked up from her cards grinning.
"Emily! Hey pull up a seat I'm winning so far because I joined in the middle of a game!" She bounced proudly in her seat. "Don't look under the table though because some of them have already lost." Anna made a pouty face.
"I thought you were going to see the tigers?" She asked, keeping her eyes carefully fixed only on Anna's face. It was the only safe place to look except for Alex but even that was risky at the moment. She didn't want her eyes to get caught in a cross fire if someone decided to stand up unexpectedly. Anna's face was safe.
"Pshh I tried, but it growled and I'm sorry but this is more fun than being threatened by a giant cat that wants to eat me. I don't even like cats. I guess I should have thought about that beforehand." She shrugged and slammed her cards down on the table. "Someone needs to shuffle better, straight flush! Hand it over baby!" Anna pointed at the purple clinging to the girls chest and waited as she reached around to unclasp it.
"Anna!" She snapped, grabbing her arm and ripping her from the table and dragging her to the other side of the room.
"What? Those things are real! Really, why do my parents hate me when her’s clearly loved her enough to give her good genes? And look at her profession!" She sighed enviously and shook her head in disbelief as she scooted up onto the pool table. "I think I should reevaluate my..."
She'd be lying if she said she was listening to anything Anna was saying at the moment. And the high heels flying through the air at Anna's face didn't phase her either. In fact even when Anna's jacket hit her in the stomach all she could do was hand it over numbly. Her eyes were too busy staring at Alex as she knelt beside the couch talking to Pete, wishing she was better at reading lips. Her hair already seemed longer than she had remembered and the red in it was more prominent. The waves were bolder and turned to large ringlets on the end and the way her shirt clung to her...
Pete nodded suddenly and stood up, following Alex as they walked towards them.
"Anna, they're gonna go move your car back. Are the keys out there?" She asked. Anna nodded and jumped down from the pool table.
"Yeah, I'll go with them to make sure nothing happens to it. That car is my baby."
"And yet you parked your baby in front of a moving train." Alex quipped. Anna shrugged her shoulders.
"So I'd be a bad mom too. Add that to the list under bad driving!"
"Putting your baby on train tracks should actually come before bad driving." Alex cocked her head slightly and raised her eyebrows.
She had to look away because something about the way Alex did that increased the flutter in her stomach and the tightening in her throat and it was only distracting her. She was also growing quickly frustrated that Alex hadn't given her a clear answer and suddenly she just wanted to be doing anything but standing by waiting.
"No, I'll go help." She said flatly, slipping by Alex and out the door behind Pete.
Her hands were shaking again and her stomach was knotted. She needed air. The cool night breeze hit her face and helped to clear her head but did nothing to calm the nerves and unfortunately as she caught up with Pete at the front of the train she heard Anna and Alex exiting the train behind her.
Anna turned to her after Emily slipped out the door.
"I want you to do better than I did." Anna said firmly. Her eyes were sad but she was holding herself together. "She's been through a lot and I love her so please...please just promise you'll take care of her."
She swallowed weakly and tried to speak but her voice cracked and all she could manage was a weak nod.
Anna studied her but smiled, seemingly satisfied with that as an answer.
"Yeah yeah I knew you liked her." Anna smiled proudly and turned towards the door. "I love being right!"
"Why because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity?" She shot. Anna turned and rolled her eyes as she jumped down to the ground.
"Har har, you're funny. Does the circus make you crazy too or is that just all you?"
"All natural, unlike the blonde." She smiled, jumping down beside her. Her eyes darted quickly to see Emily stopping by the front of the train. The guys were already pushing the car off of the tracks.
"Thank you circus girl, would you like the number?" Anna smiled reaching over to flip one of her auburn curls. She ducked her head away and smiled, swatting Anna's hand.
"Alex." She corrected "And I'm good thanks."
"Your loss." Anna shrugged.
"Yeah not really." she breathed, slipping her hands into her back pockets.
Alex and Anna stopped beside her and waited as the car was pushed back. Once the guys were done they stepped away and let Anna through.
She looked at Alex in the darkness for a moment, watching her as she looked down at her feet, kicking her boot into the ground thoughtfully with her hands shoved deep into her back pockets. The blue of her v-neck t-shirt was deep against the cream of her skin and the moonlight caught onto the highlights of red in her long hair. But the waves fell around her face, masking her in shadow. Her throat tightened and she only began doubting herself more. Alex had never actually said anything that would lead her to believe she was wanted except that she would stay for her. But there was no way she could let Alex give up her life just to stay in a town that she left for a reason. She understood perfectly, because now all she wanted was to leave Clearfield too. It didn't even matter where she was going as long as she was near this girl that made her smile again.
She swallowed hard and looked back at Anna standing beside the car, forcing her legs into movement to join her all the while trying to ignore the heat radiating from Alex's body as she walked away.
Then that heat was on her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back gently. The heat that she craved. Even through the fabric of her sleeves she could feel it burning into her. She turned back to face Alex, meeting those warm eyes and nearly buckling to the ground when she released her arm too soon. Alex tucked her hair behind her ear before she spoke.
"I know why you want to leave. I get it, I do. But you can't make that decision until you know why I left. It wouldn't be fair of me to let you without knowing the truth." Alex's breath trembled lightly past her lips.
Nodding weakly she swallowed the dryness in her throat. She shivered and hugged her arms across her chest, letting her fingers stroke lightly over the red velvet scarf as Alex continued. Even in the darkness, with just the lights from the moon and Anna's car twenty feet away, she could see the struggle in her eyes and the pain on the surface. It was heart wrenching and new. Alex had smiled so much in the last 24 hours, always trying her best to make her smile too. That was gone now.
"You asked me before why I left and I gave you a short answer. You asked me outside of the bar if you knew me and I dodged it. You didn't know me but seven years ago I'd see you smile with your friends and I really wanted to know you. Things got tough for me because someone knew more about me than I did about myself. I didn't know what it meant then, I didn't learn it until a year later but by that time it didn't matter because I couldn't see you smile anymore. This life had come around and I forgot everything about this town, except for you. I grew up and I got stronger and I've lost people too."
Her eyes burned as she listened, her palms sweating as she gripped tightly to the scarf. Keeping herself together by tightening her arms around her chest. She tried to fight the moisture in her eyes but with every word Alex spoke it kept returning.
"You're right with what you said before. I care about you and I don't know you." Alex's lip shook slightly and seeing that made a tear slip down her cheek. " What right do I have to touch your life now when I wasn't there for everything that hurt you?"
She let it fall, not wanting to wipe it away because doing so felt wrong. Like she was ashamed of it and she wasn't. Alex's breath hitched for a second but she pushed on, too determined to stop now.
"I know that I want you to be happy and I know that I won't hurt you. Not ever. But I can't let you come without knowing the truth. I cared about you seven years ago. I possibly never stopped. And I trust you to do whatever it is that you need to do to be happy again. I want..."
"I want to come with you." She repeated, cutting off Alex's words. She'd heard enough and none if it was what she had expected or what she deserved but all of it was right. All of it was what she hoped for and all of it made her feel strong and whole again. It made her forget about Clearfield, even though it stood a mile behind her. It made her forget about the cluster of photos on her dresser that were now layered in years of dust. "Please trust me." she pleaded.
Alex looked up to the black sky for a moment, a sigh leaving her lips that reflected relief and a flicker of fear. She shook her head lightly, clearing the remnants of a fog, and looked back at her.
"Okay." Alex breathed, a smile tugging at her lips.
The flutter increased in her stomach as she watched Alex smile. That was the main reason for the flutter that she had such a hard time placing. It would seem odd considering Alex just agreed to something life changing, but it wasn't. It was the first smile outside of the bar that had planted the first seed of hope in her mind. That first smile had started the flutter.
"Uh no. That one's mine." Anna snapped behind her. She turned to see her leaning against the side of the car watching as Pete pulled two suitcases out of the trunk. "Emily has something against fashion and I'm not wasting those heels on her."
She turned away from Alex and walked to Anna quickly. Pete was already dragging the bags to the train. Anna stumbled back as she threw herself into her, wrapping her arms tightly around her and burying her face into the strawberry of her hair.
"I love you." She whispered, pressing her lips to Anna's shoulder. She could feel Anna smile against her neck.
"I love you too...But please don't let the tigers starve." She joked, pulling away to look at her.
"You said you don't like cats." She pointed out, dropping her arms to her sides. Anna just shrugged.
"I just don't want you being responsible for them becoming extinct."
"I'll do my best." She smiled, reaching into her back pocket and pulling out the spare key to the house. "You should probably have this in case you're in town and do you think you could..."
"Yes, I'll call your mom and tell her you ran away with the circus. She won't freak out at all and probably won't blame me or threaten my life and it all will be okay." She smiled reassuringly and stepped away to the driver's door, grabbing her purse that she had left on the passenger seat and handing it to her. "Here, I put your phone and charger in here, but I'm guessing you won't be able to use it a lot, so just call me when you can please." She nodded and took her bag from Anna.
"Yeah, of course." She smiled weakly.
"My stun gun is in there too, just in case..." She smiled cutting off her own words as her eyes darted over to Alex and back. "I am gonna crash in your bed because it's four in the morning and I'm not young and carefree like you two."
"Anna, I know I haven't been..."
Anna moved and wrapped her arms around her again. "Don't." She whispered. " I love you and I want you to be happy."
She squeezes her eyes shut as the tears overflow. So much of her already missing the girl in her arms that had always been her best friend. Anna pulled back first and stepped away, wiping her own tears away.
"Call me soon and let me know when the circus is back in town." She turned her eyes in Alex's direction as she moved to the car door. "Alex?" Anna called.
She turned to see Alex still standing in the same spot and her breath caught instantly in her throat. She looked surprised and smiled, probably because Anna had used her actual name.
"Yeah?"
"Keep your promise." She shouted.
"My pleasure." Alex smiled, taking a set step closer.
Anna smiled and turned back to her one more time as she climbed in the car. "She likes you so please don't forget about the stun gun."
She bit her lower lip and her cheeks flushed as she watched Anna close the door and drive back across the field, the red of the tail lights disappearing in the distance. The engine of the train roared to life behind her, so loud against the silence of the night that it should have startled her but it didn't. She turned to see Alex standing by the door of her car, leaning against the side with her boot kicked up on the step. The same way she had leaned against the old black truck. The light from inside the doorway lit up the softness of her face in the darkness and the steam from underneath the train blew the auburn waves around her shoulders. All of these things made her smile as she walked to her side. As she drew closer the hot steam blowing through Alex's hair brushed across her face and perfumed the air that now slipped easily into her lungs.
Alex stepped up first and turned to her, extending her arm to help her up. "All aboard?" She smiled.
She smiled back and didn't hesitate because she wanted the heat more than anything and when their hands met flame licked at her skin. She felt excited and protected and finally happy as she stepped up beside her. Alex didn't release her hand like she had every time before. She let it continue to burn in hers as she reached with her free hand to the radio in her back pocket, pressing the button and bringing it to her lips. She couldn't take her eyes away from them as they parted.
"Give us five minutes." She smiled. Static sounded for a second before he replied.
"Walk fast." Pete said.
Alex smiled and moved immediately, pulling her behind as she started a quick pace down the hall, passing by her room and through the commons area that was now mostly empty. They passed a kitchen and a dining room and several cars of carved wood hallways lined with doors. They slowed slightly as they broke into a room colored in a deep purple. It was beautiful but she didn't have time to appreciate it because Alex was already pulling her through another door and once inside...her heart stopped. She didn't let go of Alex's hand but she stepped in front of her, reversing their roles and pulling her instead as she crashed her body into Ember's neck.
She thought she had really seen Emily smile but it was nothing compared to the way she smiled as she took her hand and gave her the chance to pull her close again. Trust resting in her fingertips. Emily's smile now, as she took in the gold and coral in Ember's mane, made everything worth it. Every battle she had fought since she was 16 years old had brought her to this moment and this time Ember didn't jump as the train lurched forward. He stayed steady and strong as Emily's hand soothed him. Her anxiety didn't course through her body like it had before because Emily was soothing her too.
Carefully she slipped her hand away from Emily and walked to the side door, gripping the handle and sliding it open. The ground was moving still slow enough to focus on individual pieces of gravel. She thought she had enjoyed the feeling of the ground moving beneath her feet but she didn't fully appreciate the sensation until Emily had become the reason for it.
The ground moved faster as Emily appeared at her side, grabbing onto the handle opposite from her in the doorway, a smile on her lips as she leaned out slightly to watch the lights of Clearfield disappearing through the dark trees. Her long raven hair shimmered blue in the moonlight and whipped around her face. The white of her shirt glowed and for the first time she noticed the red velvet scarf around her neck, blowing out behind her. That color was so much better on her. Every color was.
Heat appeared in her hand and she looked down to realize that Emily had found her in the dark, squeezing it tightly as they watched the silhouettes of trees flash past and the hills engulf the town of their past.
Emily was now moving forward with the same trust she had in Ember's eyes on a black gravel road.
Unwavering.
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