Probably Not Okay.
I started with the title on this post Tuesday right after a kind of tough therapy session. I was really tired, because the night before I had a really terrible dream. I won't go into the details, but it was one of those where you wake up and it takes a full minute to remember where you are and that you're okay and not in fact being attacked. Then it takes about 20 more minutes to calm back down and get it out of your head enough to try to get some sleep.
I am used to being tired. I almost never get enough sleep. That day...it was more than just tired. My body was angry at me, my mind could not focus. and I wanted to talk about it. I guess in some ways it was lucky that I had therapy to go to. It was brutal though. Trying to explain the feelings I get when I am alone is difficult. Honestly...I am not even sure how to type it, but I will try.
When I am alone, I am afraid. If anyone else is just around I feel much better. Even if we aren't talking or in the same room...just nearby is all I need. Much better if it is a 'safe' person. Every noise becomes scary. Every thought is negative and full of anxiety. I become obsessive and will check all the rooms and all the locks many times just to try and feel okay for a moment. I have many tools for calming myself and not allowing myself to become overwhelmed, but they do not alway work and they are not all healthy.
Bad ways that I deal with overwhelming stress:
Self-harm: This one is so deeply ingrained that sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it. That is scary right? To have dug my nails so deep into myself that I don't notice till I see blood...I can't pretend that I don't still make the choice to do it sometimes too. Not as much as I used to, but the urge is so strong sometimes that I find myself just laying on the floor not moving in hopes that I'll be able to calm down enough to just breathe. It is really hard to admit this. I am a grown ass adult and can't get out of a terrible habit that started as a kid.
Strangers: This one will upset my friends. Whom I do reach out to sometimes, but probably only about 20% of the time. By strangers, I don't mean calling a hotline with helpful people or just going to a coffee shop so I am not alone. Although I have done those things too. What I mean is looking for those people that are dark and messed up. Those people who would hurt me if I gave them the chance. Putting myself in dangerous situations because the thrill and fear makes sense at least. I 100% realize this is crazy and I should not do it...most of the time I can stop myself, but...not every time. These are dark stories that I might never tell, because that is a level of shame I am not ready to deal with and even as I am typing this wonder if I won't delete it...
Running Away: I am really good at this one. I have ran many, many times. It's not even hard. Just pack up and go somewhere else. Starting over is hard, but it is sure easier than dealing with all the this pain and shit I piled up. I never stay still for too long and that is a habit that I feel is both good and bad. Means I am often lonely and that I hurt people that I don't mean to. In the moment it is almost impossible not to think that things will be better for those who no longer have to deal with me. Ironically I am not suicidal. Not because I have an overwhelming urge to live...just that I am stubborn and made a promise so while I can run all over I am stuck being alive as long as the Universe sees fit to have me.
This is harder than I thought. Just typing it up. Shame is tough. Sharing is hard. Being alone is scary. I simply do not trust myself at all. I am trying though. I have to hope that counts for something.Going to share this...even though a huge part of me feels I might regret it. Took me two days to type it. *sigh* All I have in me.
Sharebear
I am used to being tired. I almost never get enough sleep. That day...it was more than just tired. My body was angry at me, my mind could not focus. and I wanted to talk about it. I guess in some ways it was lucky that I had therapy to go to. It was brutal though. Trying to explain the feelings I get when I am alone is difficult. Honestly...I am not even sure how to type it, but I will try.
When I am alone, I am afraid. If anyone else is just around I feel much better. Even if we aren't talking or in the same room...just nearby is all I need. Much better if it is a 'safe' person. Every noise becomes scary. Every thought is negative and full of anxiety. I become obsessive and will check all the rooms and all the locks many times just to try and feel okay for a moment. I have many tools for calming myself and not allowing myself to become overwhelmed, but they do not alway work and they are not all healthy.
Bad ways that I deal with overwhelming stress:
Self-harm: This one is so deeply ingrained that sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it. That is scary right? To have dug my nails so deep into myself that I don't notice till I see blood...I can't pretend that I don't still make the choice to do it sometimes too. Not as much as I used to, but the urge is so strong sometimes that I find myself just laying on the floor not moving in hopes that I'll be able to calm down enough to just breathe. It is really hard to admit this. I am a grown ass adult and can't get out of a terrible habit that started as a kid.
Strangers: This one will upset my friends. Whom I do reach out to sometimes, but probably only about 20% of the time. By strangers, I don't mean calling a hotline with helpful people or just going to a coffee shop so I am not alone. Although I have done those things too. What I mean is looking for those people that are dark and messed up. Those people who would hurt me if I gave them the chance. Putting myself in dangerous situations because the thrill and fear makes sense at least. I 100% realize this is crazy and I should not do it...most of the time I can stop myself, but...not every time. These are dark stories that I might never tell, because that is a level of shame I am not ready to deal with and even as I am typing this wonder if I won't delete it...
Running Away: I am really good at this one. I have ran many, many times. It's not even hard. Just pack up and go somewhere else. Starting over is hard, but it is sure easier than dealing with all the this pain and shit I piled up. I never stay still for too long and that is a habit that I feel is both good and bad. Means I am often lonely and that I hurt people that I don't mean to. In the moment it is almost impossible not to think that things will be better for those who no longer have to deal with me. Ironically I am not suicidal. Not because I have an overwhelming urge to live...just that I am stubborn and made a promise so while I can run all over I am stuck being alive as long as the Universe sees fit to have me.
This is harder than I thought. Just typing it up. Shame is tough. Sharing is hard. Being alone is scary. I simply do not trust myself at all. I am trying though. I have to hope that counts for something.Going to share this...even though a huge part of me feels I might regret it. Took me two days to type it. *sigh* All I have in me.
Sharebear
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