Cake in a Cave

I have a bunch of posts that are in my drafts, but I think this rant/letter is going to have to jump the line.

I don't know how to write out my feelings without sounding like I am whining or complaining. I'll just start with what I know. I know I am tired. I am pretty sure I am angry or at least frustrated. I cannot figure out if I am mad at myself or if I have just lost my ability to deal with others.

I think I am sad. I know I am lonely. I worry that I am sabotaging my own friendships. I am totally incapable of cultivating romantic relationships. I want to give up on it. To just accept a solitary life and be happy with that, but I can't. I am never happy when I am alone too long. Alone me is the worst. It is not that I hate myself . I don't. I work hard to be kind and to take care of myself. I read a lot and enjoy learning new skills. I like working out and love nature. I just hate being alone...

When I am alone I forget the things that make me happy. All I can think about is how alone I am and how much I do not matter to others. Intellectually I know that I am okay and that being alone is fine. Emotionally I hate every moment of it.

The problem. For someone who craves people like an addict, I have built an insane wall of unrealistic expectations and impossible to meet standards. That is just emotionally. Physically I am awkward at best and hostile at worst. I am so aware of every touch that I have shared with another person that I can replay them in my mind and pinpoint the level of discomfort.

I just want to find the balance. To feel okay alone and to be comfortable around others. Right now I just torture myself. When I'm alone I distract myself as long as I can. I also keep myself stupid busy with activities and making plans so that at least I am around people...even if I am just creeping on the sideline.

I just want to understand. I want to confront myself and stop hiding. I also want to just go live in a cave and never talk to anyone again...maybe eat cake (My hypothetical cave would have a nice kitchen.)

I feel like I should say that I am sorry to everyone. Sorry for being a bad friend. Sorry for being a bad partner. I am mostly sorry that I don't know how to be better, but I'll try and I am working on it.

I will say that I think people should be more understanding and patient with me too. It is never my goal to hurt anyone. I never want to make others feel bad. I didn't mean to push you away. I don't flinch at your touch because I don't want it. I have not hidden my feelings or thoughts in a very long time. It is not wrong to expect kindness or patience from people that say they love you or care about you.

People make mistakes and they get angry. I can except that. I can also forgive it. I think people don't understand forgiveness though. You can't conditionally forgive. Not if you want to move past it. You can't bring up the thing you forgave. You can't hold it over the head of your loved one that you have forgiven them and now they owe you. You can either forgive or not.

I think that is where I start. I will forgive myself my mistakes and move on. Hopeful that I will not make the mistakes again. Knowing that I will make some. Forgiving myself again. Because of course I have to. If I want to move forward.

I forgive you too. If you want. Probably even if you don't. Can join me in my cave with the super nice kitchen if you're craving some company or cake. I am always happy to share.

Take care,
Sharebear