Empty Chair

This is an exercise I wrote a little while ago in an attempt to move past possibly the worst trauma in my life. I called it empty chair because that was the point, to imagine that the person who hurt me was sitting in an empty chair and say all the things I had always wanted to say. Knowing that it was safe to do so. I debated quite a bit about sharing it. This is super personal, but writing it helped me a lot and I figure if it helps even one person it is worth sharing.

Many trigger warnings. (Not sure which ones to put...just proceed with caution)

Things I want to say to you:

• Why? Maybe I know why. I sure think about it a lot. That question. We are from the same family after all. Patterns like this never really go away... but I can’t shake the question. Just keeps playing in my head...Why?
• How could you use my sister against me like that? Did you know that she was the only person that I cared about? That I would protect her over myself...always.
• Would you have had both of us if you could have? Did you go after her later? I could never ask her. If the answer is yes I think a part of me would die. I don’t think you did and I am grateful for that thought.
• Did you have a plan that day? Had you thought about what you were going to do? How you would keep it quiet? Did you care?
• Did you know I wouldn’t tell? That I would feel ashamed? Did you have a threat planned?
• Did it matter that I was only 10? That she was 9?
• I am sure you knew I was afraid, I don’t have to ask that one. I had always been afraid. One hit was all it took for me to remember just how afraid to be. You knew one more bruise would go unnoticed. I practically had a target on me. 
• Did you know I wouldn’t fight? Or just guess it? That is the part I always feel the worst about. I didn’t fight you. I never did. Even later when you would scare me, when you grabbed me or hit me. I never fought. I always saw myself as wrong. I can’t fully blame you for that, but you took the most from me and you took the most advantage. 
• You took what little childhood I might have had left. You made me feel ruined. I still can’t find it in myself to trust the touch of anyone. I flinch from people I love, because people who were supposed to love me did it wrong.
• I don’t trust myself either. I can’t. Every choice feels like a battle and I hate it. 
• You know what I hate more? How not angry I am. I should be mad at you. I should be mad at a lot of people, but I can’t bring myself to be mad either. I think I am more afraid now. Not of you. You don’t scare me anymore. I know what kind of person you are and how much of a coward you really are. No, I am afraid that if I am angry and let it out...I won’t be able to stop. That I will take that anger out on the only person I can. That I will hurt myself because that is what I know best. That is the only feeling I think I understand.
• I relive the first time the most. I think because of the pain. I remember how much it hurt and crying. I remember you saying, “Don’t worry, you can’t get pregnant. You’re too young.” I remember your running commentary on my body, like you were studying for an exam and I was the subject. You told me it would hurt, but then it was supposed to feel good after that. 
• I remember you knew there would be blood...I think about that at lot. I think because it’s what makes me think you planned it. That you had wanted to know if that part was true.
• I want to tell you about my nightmares. The ones before you and the ones after. Before you there was a monster. I knew who the monster was and I knew how to hide and what to say to keep that monster at bay. It didn’t always work, but at least I usually had a chance. After you they changed, I still tried to run and to hide but I couldn’t get away anymore. And I didn’t just dream about being hit or punished anymore. It was all fear, all the time. You were everywhere, every man became you. It hurts, the dreams hurts, thinking about it hurts. The pain I feel in my chest, the way my heart still pounds out of my chest in fear just thinking about the nightmares let alone what you actually did. I think you liked that I was afraid of you. That when I saw you I would stop breathing. I wonder if you were ever afraid?
• I know you were a child too. One who was tormented by awful older sisters and also had a dad that treated you all terribly. I don’t think that is an excuse. I just think about the reasons why.
• I never lost track of you. Maybe I should have. I should let this all go. I want to or I think I want to. It sure isn’t fair. You get to be happy and live the life I have dreamed of, while I sit here trying to see the value of my life.
• And still I am not angry, maybe because I don’t know how to feel properly. I don’t think I can blame you for that one either.
• I am just tired. Tired of being controlled by someone who doesn’t care at all about. Who never did. Tired of feeling afraid and untrusting. Mostly just tired.
• 20 years is a long time. It feels like I wasted so much of it blaming myself and being mad at myself and hurting myself. I still hear you sometimes in the back of my mind telling me that no cared and that I should be quiet. I don’t know if that’s still true but I don’t want to be quiet anymore.
• This is for me. I don’t care about you. I don’t even hate you. I’m just tired and I don’t want to give you any more of my nights. 

Thanks for reading this...know it helped me to write it. All the sharing I have in me for now.

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