Funeral Etiquette
Not sure if death is the first topic I should cover but it is one that follows me around like a very persistent ghost so I think I will acknowledge it.
My boss lost his father this last weekend. By all accounts he was a kind and caring man. I know his son loved him very much. His funeral is today. I will not be attending. I have many reasons for not attending including holding down the fort at work and the fact that I have never met the man in question. Of course funerals are not for the dead though are they? They are for those of us left behind. I would like to offer support. My boss is a great guy that I like very much. I do not like funerals though and do not think I would be needed or helpful in that setting. I am going to explain my dislike and reasons I struggle with funerals. Not death mind you, but that is a different topic.
My own father died when I was 15. He was not a great man. At his best he was lazy and a drunk and at his worst he was mean and abusive. I have many feelings and thoughts on him but today I just want to talk about his funeral. It was one of the worst days of my life. Not because he was dead, but because I had to pretend that I cared about any of the people that came to his funeral.
Okay I guess I do need to back up a little. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was glad. Proud of my mom for walking away from a man who couldn't keep a job, sold drugs, was mentally and physically abusive, and never did anything to help her take care of my sister and me. Of course the courts still mandated visitations. So my sister and I had to go with him every other weekend. We did just that, for three years we would have to deal with his depression and drinking. His druggy friends and girl friends. Sleeping in whatever place he was staying at, at the time. I would find ways out of it. Plan trips with friends those weekends. Join every club or group I could and make my sister do it too, so I could make sure she was safe. I don't remember the line he crossed or the moment I was done, but I think it was when my sister and I were in his truck and he went to the drive-thru liquor. He bought his normal bottle of Jim Beam and a Pepsi. The moment he pulled a way he took a huge drink from both bottles then proceeded to berate my mom for her new husband and me for being just a little copy of her.
I was done, more than done, I was angry and hurt and convinced that one day he would snap completely and it would be me or my sister who paid the price. At the end of that weekend I told him that I wouldn't be visiting him anymore, unless he promised to give up drinking or at the very least would stop when we were visiting. He was pissed and you can imagine the names I was called, but 15 year old me stood her ground and thankfully my sister agreed with me.
Two months later he was gone. I suspected suicide but my grandparents refused to tell us the details of his death, but they 100% blamed me. Telling me that I broke his heart. I mean fuck them right?
Okay back to the funeral. When at a funeral I think people in general act one of two ways. They are stoic and unemotional. I don't mind these people. I am usually one of these people. Or they are the other kind...the emotional roller-coaster kind. Those people are tough to deal with. If you have ever spent time around heavy drinkers or drug addicts you know that they are dramatic shit shows at best and destructive ego-maniacs at worst. I might need to work on my best and worst scales.
I should point out that my father's funeral was my first. He had already been cremated so there was no body. Also no one in my family is religious so it was in a funeral home. My mom, my sister and I sat in the middle of a small room filled with folding chairs. His parents where in the front, far away from us. In retrospect I don't even know why we went. Maybe I do know, my sister loved our dad very much and was devastated by his death. I also suspect my mom who had been married to him for 13 years was shocked and some part of her wanted the goodbye. Not me, I was mad at him and my grandparents and all the people there. I hated every moment of it. From people saying things like, "Now he is drinking in Heaven with Jesus." to "He loved his girls more than anything in the world." I have never been more angry then I was that day or since probably.
I have since his been to many more funerals and memorials, including: a high school friend (suicide), my grandpa (accident), my uncle (murder), and a college roommate (car accident). All of which were hard and unpleasant for me. I think in part because all of these deaths were sudden and terrible, but also because I never felt the closure of saying goodbye. I do still believe that funerals are a way for the living to honer and remember the dead and I am not saying they are bad and we shouldn't do them.
I guess what I am saying is...they are just not for me. They don't help me say goodbye or move on. I hope when I die that people wont feel the need to gather and be sad or say things that aren't true to make me look good. However, if that is what helps them then I guess more power to them. I don't know. Maybe I will have to think more about this weird ritual and what it means to me.
Back to death for a second. Death is a ghost that feels like both friend and foe to me. It lingers in my thoughts reminding me that it is there, never too far from me or anyone I know. I am not afraid of dying and I don't dwell on what comes next. I do however worry for those I love, not because I want death to stay away but because I love them and I want them for as long as I can.
My favorite quote on the topic is from the author Mary Roach, she said, "I don't fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach."
I think my point, the reason I wanted to write this and why I called it funeral etiquette is because I think grief is hard and people will need different things. I can't bring myself to go to a funeral for someone I didn't know, even to support someone I care about. But I will tell him I care later. How sorry I am for his loss. I will ask what he needs. I will support him in anyway I can without compromising my own needs. I will not feel guilty for not being able to do more.
I think that is all I have in me for now. I'll be sharing more soon.
Sharebear
My boss lost his father this last weekend. By all accounts he was a kind and caring man. I know his son loved him very much. His funeral is today. I will not be attending. I have many reasons for not attending including holding down the fort at work and the fact that I have never met the man in question. Of course funerals are not for the dead though are they? They are for those of us left behind. I would like to offer support. My boss is a great guy that I like very much. I do not like funerals though and do not think I would be needed or helpful in that setting. I am going to explain my dislike and reasons I struggle with funerals. Not death mind you, but that is a different topic.
My own father died when I was 15. He was not a great man. At his best he was lazy and a drunk and at his worst he was mean and abusive. I have many feelings and thoughts on him but today I just want to talk about his funeral. It was one of the worst days of my life. Not because he was dead, but because I had to pretend that I cared about any of the people that came to his funeral.
Okay I guess I do need to back up a little. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was glad. Proud of my mom for walking away from a man who couldn't keep a job, sold drugs, was mentally and physically abusive, and never did anything to help her take care of my sister and me. Of course the courts still mandated visitations. So my sister and I had to go with him every other weekend. We did just that, for three years we would have to deal with his depression and drinking. His druggy friends and girl friends. Sleeping in whatever place he was staying at, at the time. I would find ways out of it. Plan trips with friends those weekends. Join every club or group I could and make my sister do it too, so I could make sure she was safe. I don't remember the line he crossed or the moment I was done, but I think it was when my sister and I were in his truck and he went to the drive-thru liquor. He bought his normal bottle of Jim Beam and a Pepsi. The moment he pulled a way he took a huge drink from both bottles then proceeded to berate my mom for her new husband and me for being just a little copy of her.
I was done, more than done, I was angry and hurt and convinced that one day he would snap completely and it would be me or my sister who paid the price. At the end of that weekend I told him that I wouldn't be visiting him anymore, unless he promised to give up drinking or at the very least would stop when we were visiting. He was pissed and you can imagine the names I was called, but 15 year old me stood her ground and thankfully my sister agreed with me.
Two months later he was gone. I suspected suicide but my grandparents refused to tell us the details of his death, but they 100% blamed me. Telling me that I broke his heart. I mean fuck them right?
Okay back to the funeral. When at a funeral I think people in general act one of two ways. They are stoic and unemotional. I don't mind these people. I am usually one of these people. Or they are the other kind...the emotional roller-coaster kind. Those people are tough to deal with. If you have ever spent time around heavy drinkers or drug addicts you know that they are dramatic shit shows at best and destructive ego-maniacs at worst. I might need to work on my best and worst scales.
I should point out that my father's funeral was my first. He had already been cremated so there was no body. Also no one in my family is religious so it was in a funeral home. My mom, my sister and I sat in the middle of a small room filled with folding chairs. His parents where in the front, far away from us. In retrospect I don't even know why we went. Maybe I do know, my sister loved our dad very much and was devastated by his death. I also suspect my mom who had been married to him for 13 years was shocked and some part of her wanted the goodbye. Not me, I was mad at him and my grandparents and all the people there. I hated every moment of it. From people saying things like, "Now he is drinking in Heaven with Jesus." to "He loved his girls more than anything in the world." I have never been more angry then I was that day or since probably.
I have since his been to many more funerals and memorials, including: a high school friend (suicide), my grandpa (accident), my uncle (murder), and a college roommate (car accident). All of which were hard and unpleasant for me. I think in part because all of these deaths were sudden and terrible, but also because I never felt the closure of saying goodbye. I do still believe that funerals are a way for the living to honer and remember the dead and I am not saying they are bad and we shouldn't do them.
I guess what I am saying is...they are just not for me. They don't help me say goodbye or move on. I hope when I die that people wont feel the need to gather and be sad or say things that aren't true to make me look good. However, if that is what helps them then I guess more power to them. I don't know. Maybe I will have to think more about this weird ritual and what it means to me.
Back to death for a second. Death is a ghost that feels like both friend and foe to me. It lingers in my thoughts reminding me that it is there, never too far from me or anyone I know. I am not afraid of dying and I don't dwell on what comes next. I do however worry for those I love, not because I want death to stay away but because I love them and I want them for as long as I can.
My favorite quote on the topic is from the author Mary Roach, she said, "I don't fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach."
I think my point, the reason I wanted to write this and why I called it funeral etiquette is because I think grief is hard and people will need different things. I can't bring myself to go to a funeral for someone I didn't know, even to support someone I care about. But I will tell him I care later. How sorry I am for his loss. I will ask what he needs. I will support him in anyway I can without compromising my own needs. I will not feel guilty for not being able to do more.
I think that is all I have in me for now. I'll be sharing more soon.
Sharebear
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